


Die For You

by softkilluas99



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Drama, Fanfiction, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 11:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 79,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9232067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softkilluas99/pseuds/softkilluas99
Summary: "The distance and the time between us, it'll never change my mind 'cause baby I would die for you."3 years after Gon and Killua part at the World Tree, they're brought together by a sweet but meddling Alluka Zoldyck. Killua thinks his cards show a royal flush but he doesn't know someone ahead the road has several cards up his sleeve to tear everything down. Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck.





	1. CHAPTER 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Most of this story has been pre-written, I hope you all enjoy it. Don't be afraid to leave comments/messages/critiques!
> 
> Also, of course DISCLAIMER: I don't own HunterxHunter or any of it's characters, just this little story I'm making up!

**WORLD TREE**

_Alluka tightened her hold around her brother’s fingers, small droplets of water splattering and trickling their way over and down the back of her palm._

“ _O-onii-chan, it’s okay. I’m here for you, now.” She spoke with a kind tone, her heart feeling heavy as she sat by her silent weeping brother._

“ _I--” Killua spoke quietly and then stopped, sucking in a harsh breath and letting out a slight whimper. He squeezed her hand softly in appreciation and closed his eyes as several tears were let out against his will._

Gon.

Gon...

“ _We can go back, onii-chan. I-I’ll share you with Gon, I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I’m sorry.” His baby sister tried to appease him, truly feeling at a loss over what to do in order to help him but take him back to what he wanted most._

 _And Killua stopped. Realizing the pain he was now putting his sister through, how altruistic her motives because_ if it made him happy then it would make her happy too.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this to her.

_He let out a shaky sigh, using his free hand to wipe his tears and lifted his head to face Alluka._

“ _It’s okay, Alluka. We’re going on an adventure, remember? Me and you. I’ll see him later but for now it’s just going to be us, I’m sorry. Onii-chan will do better, okay?” And he gave his baby sister the best smile he could muster, a few moments later she beamed and laughed._

“ _Onii-chan is already the best! I love you!” She wrapped her arms around the strong but fragile boy and he leaned into her._

An adventure for me and you, Alluka.

 

**X-X-X**

 

3 YEARS AFTER….

 

“Serinuma Akane.”

Killua tapped his sister’s elbow, gaining her attention and both siblings rose from their seats in the office waiting room.

A nurse with purple hair and green eyes greeted both Alluka and Killua with a soft smile, none the wiser that the siblings she considered herself fond of, were not who they said they were. The nurse led them down a brightly lit hallway and for a moment Killua felt amusement at the fact he had this process memorized so completely, he could possibly walk the entire floor with his eyes closed.

The nurse would check Alluka’s weight and height where-after they would be led into another room, the nurse would make light conversation with Alluka while taking her blood pressure and checking her temperature with a thermometer.

“The doctor will be in with you in just a few short moments.” The nurse always said, though Killua knew it was more than just a ‘few short moments’. _The damn bastard took his time._

“I think they’re gonna do blood tests on me this time, onii-chan, will you hold my hand?”

 The idea that Nanika could ask someone to rip out an internal organ and not bat an eyelash but Alluka could not withstand the prick of a needle was enough to make Killua laugh any time of day. However, fearing his younger sister’s ire, he kept his mouth shut on that front. He also just could not resist making his little sister happy, which is why they were here in the first place.

Killua held onto Alluka’s hand tightly and Alluka smiled at him. _Yeah, that’s what I_ _live_ _to see_ , Killua thinks to himself.

There were two brief knocks at the door before Alluka’s doctor came in—the one guy Killua could not rid himself of—Leorio Paladiknight.

“Well, good evening to my favorite person!” Leorio, smug as shit, walked straight towards Alluka and gave her what he must have thought was a dazzling smile—but came off a little creepy, to Killua.

“Hi Leorio.” Alluka blushed and Killua nearly rolled his eyes out of his head.

“How are you feeling today? Any more headaches? Nausea? Tell me how the medication is treating you, it’s your 1 and a half year mark, you know.” Leorio smiled kindly at the 14 year old girl.

“I’m good! I get the headaches every so often but not as bad as they once were. Umm.. I haven’t had any nausea but I do enjoy the medication you put me on, I have seen changes within the past year I’m happy about.” The pale girl smiled at Leorio, and Killua shivered at the mentioning of _changes_ Alluka had undergone. He remembered one particular day she was excited about her… her… growing feminine body.

“ _Onii-chan! I have boobs! Look, I have boobs, now!” She had giggled and pointed straight to her shirt covered chest, she jiggled a little for effect. Killua thought he would die right then and there, knowing his face was reddening and was feeling a roller coaster of emotions shock, fear, confusion, horror, horror, fear, shock again. He wanted to gouge his eyes from their sockets that day._

“Mhm, mhm. I see.” Leorio nodded while checking her paperwork left by the nurse, completely unaware of Killua’s trauma. “Okay, we’ll take some blood like we did last time and then we’ll do a physical exam. I don’t know that you want Kill—I mean--” Leorio cleared his throat. “I don’t know that you want your brother in here while we do that. You will have to undress.”

“You’re not seeing my sister naked, you old perv.” Killua glared at Leorio, irritated he made the mistake of slipping up with Killua’s fake identity.

_How many times do I have to tell this idiot fake identities must be upheld even in private!?_

Leorio was wide eyed, sputtering and completely red faced. “O-oi! That’s not what this is, baka! I’m her doctor, this is vital for her transition!” He turned to Alluka, “O-of course we’ll have a female nurse inside the room to make you feel more at ease. Okay?” He reassured her and she smiled, nodding because he’d actually already done this several times before.

Killua just liked to watch him squirm.

“I’ll go ahead and take some blood, then you can leave the room.” Leorio was up and setting up a syringe as well as vials for Alluka’s blood but his words were directed at Killua. “Serinuma, I will give you time before and after to undress and then dress in privacy, I’ll wait outside your door so just come out and call me to let me know when you’re done, okay?” His voice was like cotton candy, sickeningly sweet.

Alluka’s face scrunched and her hand tightened around Killua’s when Leorio took her blood and Killua rubbed circles over her knuckles to soothe his little sister.

“Okay, all done. See? Your brother and I will leave the room, just come out and get me, okay?” Leorio turned his back to walk out the door and Killua gave Alluka’s hand one more squeeze and a soft smile before he left. Killua was about to make a snide remark about the use of fake identities but stopped with his mouth open when Leorio spoke over him.

“So how is she doing? I mean, really?” Leorio asks of Killua as they lean against either side of the hallway walls.

“She’s doing as well as she said she’s doing, I haven’t seen anything bad. Though she never tells me half the time when there’s a side effect anyway.” Killua sighs, thinking she got the _‘suffer in silence’_ trait from him. “She is happier though, I do know that.” He begins finding his shoes interesting as he continues, “And it’s because of you, really. Leorio, I--”

“Ready!” Alluka called and Leorio excused himself for a few minutes as he and a nurse entered the room to examine Alluka.

Alluka was transitioning with hormone therapy for over a year and a half now, the check ups used to be nearly every other month but had since gradually slowed down to about three times a year once she got passed the 1 year mark. Killua wanted nothing more than to give everything he could to his sister, make her feel as comfortable as needed, make her feel as normal as everyone else which is why they were here.

Over the last 3 years, Killua had slowly lost most communication with those he was once close to, including Gon. After they parted at the World Tree, the phone calls and text messages were incredibly frequent. Not just from Gon but Morel, Knuckle and even Ikalgo. But real life gets in the way and over time, the length between receiving anything became longer until it was practically non-existent. It didn’t bother Killua much, there were only so many things he could speak about with Morel, Knuckle and Ikalgo but Gon… Gon was another entity entirely, Killua had come to the conclusion of several things about his relationship with his best friend and it scared the hell out of him. Which is why, for the most part, Killua’s been ignoring most of the boy’s texts and calls for near half a year now.

For the most part.

Whether he liked it or not, he truly couldn’t resist Gon for long, his breath hitching every single time there was a notification on his phone from the boy. Gon was still incredibly giving, kind, talkative and would text Killua multiple times within a few hours span most days when he didn’t receive a reply. The silver haired boy had a record, he ignored Gon for a total of 2 weeks before he gave in and replied with a made up excuse for his absence. It’s not that he didn’t want to speak to Gon, it was the opposite. He wanted to speak to Gon all the time, near every second of the day his fingers twitched in his pockets to send texts or to call Gon and just ask how his day was because he wanted to hear the sound of his voice. _The way he laughed._

This is what scared the shit out of Killua. He watched enough of Alluka’s soap box dramas to understand that his feelings for his best friend, had in fact, gone over the line of friendship completely.

_He was in love with Gon._

“Alright, come out whenever you’re ready. I’ll see you next time, doll!” Leorio smiled at Alluka in the room, allowing the nurse to step out with him as well and closed the door behind him.

“What’s the diagnosis, doc?” Killua asked, eager to take his mind completely away from _that_ train of thought.

“She’s transitioning well.” He replied, standing across from Killua as he had earlier. “As you and she said there aren’t too many side affects via the estrogen and androgen, watch out for her headaches though, will you? If they become too frequent, I need you to contact me immediately. The same with too much vomiting, she’s doing really well on them but you can never be too careful.” Leorio used a smile on Killua that he reserved for the rest of his patients, one that said ‘don’t worry _too_ much.’

Killua looked away, swallowing and nodding as he wanted to pick up from where he left off in the conversation earlier. While he had never been good with kindness or expressing his emotions, being with Alluka had softened his nature. Dealing with a girl who was in her preteen’s without emotion or communication was a failed venture, he quickly found.

“Leorio, I wanted to thank you. For all of your help and for my sister, being her personal doctor. She doesn’t really have any friends, probably feels lonely—but at least she has you.” He gave Leorio a look of true sincerity and gratitude. “Thank you.”

Leorio blushed, shifting from foot to foot. “No, no, it’s fine. This is the career I’ve chosen, it’s what I would do for anyone.” He sighed and spoke in a hushed tone, “but Alluka is something special, you know that? That girl is nothing like you, are you sure you’re siblings?” Leorio chuckled and Killua scoffed. “You’re wrong, though. She doesn’t really feel lonely, she’s grateful to you, Killua, has told me as much. In fact she couldn’t stop chattering in there about your next trip, back to Padokia, huh?”

“Yeah. She brought it up a few weeks ago and couldn’t stop going on about it, I don’t know, perhaps she’s restless. We have been in Yorknew for about 4 months now, that’s our longest bout anywhere.” Killua mused as he shifted his gaze to the ceiling, the flickering white lights in his view.

“Padokia is where you’re both from though, right? That’s where your home is. Have you spoken to anyone in your family?”

_HA!_

“No. It could put Alluka’s life in danger and I’ll never risk that.”

Leorio sighed at the tall boy, thinking of how much had changed since meeting. 5 years ago Killua was a little shrimp, stronger than Leorio without a doubt but still a damn shrimp. And now, Killua had shot up to 6 feet, had grown into his wide set shoulders, hair past his ears since he hadn’t gotten a hair cut. Leorio sometimes thought when Killua smirked he truly did look like someone who could kill you if you said the wrong thing. However, even though Killua had the sinister look and the skill of an assassin, he was still just a teenage boy who had been dealt a heavy hand at too young of an age—though Leorio thought no one should be dealt with the type of hand Killua had. Killua had seen many dark things that Leorio himself didn’t know if he’d be able to stand up after going through and to add onto that the teenage boy had rescued his little sister and taken care of her without a second thought all those years ago without asking for help. Killua had more heart than he’d ever let anyone see, more than Leorio thought he had when they first met, at least.

“You ever think it’s time to stop hiding? To stop running? I’m not trying to tell you how to take care of your sister but a young girl needs stability in her life, constantly jumping--”

“We’re not running from anything.” Killua’s icy blue eyes are fixed on Leorio across from him and the doctor stands taller, bristling from the tone Killua had taken with him.

“Really? Because you haven’t spoken to anyone in your family. What about Gon? Have you even seen him once? Or are you still ignoring him?” Leorio knew he shouldn’t be so cross but he wanted to shake the shit out of Killua and tell him it would be so easy, so simple to rest and live and be happy forever. But saying and doing were two entirely different things.

Killua glared, gritting his teeth as he began to regret allowing Leorio in as a confidant. Truthfully, beyond Alluka and sometimes Gon, Killua had no one else. And he couldn’t exactly tell Gon via text that he was sure he was in love with him, nor could he tell his sister as she would surely insist on telling him. And it was also just _weird_. His last resort had been Leorio, though he would have to remember this the next time he considered the doctor trustworthy or not in the future.

Leorio pushed his glasses higher on his nose, shoulders shaking as he chuckled to himself. “So even Gon doesn’t know how you feel about him. You’re running from a lot more than just your family these days aren’t you?”

“What the hell do you know about it?!” Killua was careful not to raise his voice as so to garner attention but his temper was flaring, these were personal things he had told Leorio only for him to throw them back in such an insulting manner.

“What I _know_ is things like that? Killua, they can’t be outran. Not for long, anyway.”

“Okay! I’m ready to go, onii-chan!” Alluka came bustling out of her room like a kid on crack, speaking with a sing song voice.

Leorio pushed himself off the wall, giving a small wave to both of them as he began to step away.

“Call me to let me know where you both are in a few months time, so I can refill your medication and check up, again.” Leorio gave a meaningful look to Killua and the boy turned away, sighing as he understood and began to calm.

_I meant no harm, I’m sorry._

Alluka paused when she saw the look on Killua’s face.

“Onii-chan, what’s wrong?” Alluka’s voice full of concern.

“Nothing, little sister.” He raised his hand to muss her hair and smiled as he heard her fret below him about tangling it. “Come on, let’s finish packing and get some food. The plane leaves tomorrow and it’s several days long, let’s get some rest okay?”


	2. Chapter 2

_Gon’s birthday is in a few days…_

 

Killua was hard at work with his favorite activity as of late.

Staring at pictures of Gon with longing.

Throughout their 3 year separation, Gon had sent him dozens of photos. Of himself, of his adventures with Ging, of his regained Nen abilities and Killua was half grateful and half saddened for it. The pictures in chronological order showed a growing and aging Gon.

Killua was currently admiring stubble formed on the boy’s jaw.

_Thank whoever made High Definition cameras_ , he silently thought to himself. He scrolled through his saved photos of his best friend and felt pangs in his heart. He missed Gon more than he willingly admit to anyone.

“Onii-chan?” He heard Alluka call from beside him, making him jump and blush as he rushed to put away his phone. His sister tilted her head at him, long hair waving in the sunlight shining through the plane window and after a moment, his head mimicked her movement.

“Alluka, what do you have in your arms?”

“Hmm? Oh! This nice lady at the store inside recommended all of these items, they’re so handy!” She beamed and rattled off everything the retail associate scammed her into buying including a blanket, two neck pillows, a ridiculously expensive thermos and several magazines to entertain her over their long journey. “And I got you some choco-robos!” She waved the box in front of him and he chuckled, taking them gratefully. Alluka took the empty seat beside him and began to set up the items she had purchased, throwing the blanket over the both of them, placing the pillow around Killua’s neck and then her own, opening one of her many magazines while placing the thermos in their shared cup holder.

The rest of their 5 day trip went along much in this fashion, the siblings squabbling and watching movies or Killua chasing Alluka around the large plane--as she was a giant ball of renewable energy--stopping her from committing endless possibly illegal acts.

 

**X-X-X**

“Is it time yet?! It’s time for us to get off the plane, right, onii-chan?!” Alluka was bouncing in her seat, watching as the passengers in front of them rose and formed a line, waiting to deboard. The excitable young girl began to bite down on her thumb, a nervous habit she formed as she waited for--what felt like--eons.

“Alluka, sit down. Be patient. What’s going on with you? You’ve been antsy all day.” Killua sighed to himself as he watched his brunette haired sister. _She’s usually animated but today she seems to be overdoing it._

She groaned and kept herself still for exactly 6 seconds before becoming excited again, smiling and giggling to herself.

“Have you been drinking coffee? Or accepting candy from strangers?” Killua was really only half joking.

“Nee, onii-chan.” Alluka removed the thumb from between her lips, “You’re going to love this!” She had the biggest smile Killua had ever seen, but before he press about what she meant, the girl gave a short “Yay!” and was out of her seat, fishing for her carry-on bag and near sprinting out of the plane.

It was no effort for Killua to keep up with his kid sister, but she was vibrating—literally vibrating as they speed walked through the connected hallway together.

_She’s been to Padokia before, especially this area,_ Killua thought to himself. _Wh_ _y is she_ _so excited?_

The opening of the airport came into view and Alluka squealed loudly, grabbing Killua’s hand and yanking him forward.

“Come on! Come on! Oh my god, I’m so excited, onii-chan you’re going to be so happy! _He’s_ going to be so happy, I can’t wait for you guys to see each other again!”

_He?_

_What?_

They were in the airport, Alluka rooted herself in front of the door even as other passengers tried to make their way out from behind them, her head going this way and that.

“Alluka, who are you looking--”

“I’m sorry but can you two please remove yourselves from the entrance? You’re in the way of those trying to get out.” An airline worker requested of them and Alluka was on the move, charging forward and through the crowd before stopping abruptly again.

“Where is he? Where. Is. He?!” Alluka urged more to herself than her brother and Killua began to look around himself, wondering who his little sister could be looking for. It had to be a mutual friend, a face he would recognize, Alluka wasn’t familiar with many others.

_Ikalgo? Morel? Knuckle? Leorio…?_

But he found no sign of the men he knew, only stopping when he heard Alluka gasp, he turned to follow her gaze.

In the middle of the crowd, a lone standing figure. A teenage boy he hadn’t seen in 3 years, a teenage boy he had been near completely avoiding, a certain teenage boy who he realized turned 17 today. A teenage boy he was completely and utterly in love with, and if he wasn’t sure before then he was now. _I_ _s this love at first sight?_

Short spiky hair, the warmest brown eyes and the brightest smile _._

“G-Gon..?” At a loss for words, at a loss for what to think, at a loss for anything and everything besides his best friend yards away from him.

“Killua!” A deep voice boomed and suddenly Gon was sprinting full speed toward Killua, arriving in front of him in mere seconds and jumping onto him, both boys falling over as Killua wrapped his arms around Gon to catch him.

For Killua, time—the world—had stopped in that moment.

_Gon… Gon?? Gon?!_

He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his vision blurring as tears formed and fell over his cheeks.

“Killua, it’s really you?!” Gon whispered, his eyes roaming Killua’s figure from head to waist and back up. Gon noticed Killua had grown several feet, could tell he trained often from the hard body beneath him, and Killua’s hair was almost down to his shoulders. “Killua!” Gon laughed almost hysterically, feeling joy and sadness and pain all at once as he wrapped his arms around Killua’s neck and held him tightly.

It fully hit Killua that time had changed them both so much. Time had truly gone by, 3 whole years had truly gone by where they were both apart.

Killua heard more than felt his breath come out heavy and shaking, resting his head on Gon’s shoulder. Feeling like another simple touch could crack him wide open, everything he was holding inside would come spilling out and Gon and Alluka would see how truly lonely and heartbroken he was over being separated for so long. How happy he was that Gon was here. _Gon_ _is_ _here._

“Happy Birthday, Gon!” Alluka smiled above the two reuniting boys and laughed.

“Oh, Alluka!” Gon wiped his tears with one arm while keeping hold of Killua with the other, he slowly removed himself from Killua’s hold and raised himself up. “Thank you. Thank you so much for this!” Gon stood, extending a hand to Killua. Killua accepted. Gon turned to give Alluka a big hug, “This is already the best birthday I’ve ever had!” Gon laughed, letting her go and the Zoldyck siblings couldn’t help but laugh with him, their utter joy taking over.

“Come on, come on! We need to get our baggage and people are starting to stare.” Alluka insisted and the best friends looked around to find that several people were in fact staring at them, they moved quickly through the terminal and to baggage claim. The entire time Gon kept a hand on Killua’s bicep and Killua had to stop himself from wrapping his hand around Gon’s, had to snap himself out of the daydream of intertwining their fingers and holding on tightly. Killua wanted to pinch himself, make sure this moment was real and not some dream he’d wake up from.

_Gon is here.. Gon is here!!_

“Nee, Gon!” Killua shouted though he hadn’t meant to, he was still stuck in his bliss. The boy he called turned to him with a smile, “H-how—did you and Alluka--?”

“Mm! It was Alluka’s doing, actually. A month ago she sent me a message asking if we should meet. Truthfully, I was glad she did, this has been long overdue. I guess I was just really scared.” Gon laughed, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he felt ashamed.

“Honestly, onii-chan. You two move slower than clouds do.” Alluka chimed in and shrugged, “besides, I decided it was okay to share you, now.” She giggled.

Killua felt overwhelmed, _how could he thank Alluka for this?_

They arrived at baggage claim, waiting for the carousel to spit out their suitcases among the masses when Gon smacked Killua in the back of the head.

“E-ehhh!?”

“That’s for ignoring me for half a year!” Gon yelled in Killua’s face, and his eyes narrowed.

“I wasn’t ignoring you, I was busy!” Killua yelled back.

“Liar!”

“Baka!”

“Takes a baka to know a baka!”

They stared long and hard at each other, eyes narrowed and nostrils flared. Alluka could almost see the steam coming from their ears. It lasted for a few moments before both boys erupted into raucous laughter, feeling almost how it used to.

They simmered down, catching their breaths and Killua’s deep blue met Gon’s brown warmth.

_Time may have passed, but those eyes? I’d know them anywhere, anytime._

The boys straightened, smiling to themselves and standing side by side. Gon leaning into Killua, lulled into an almost trance as he stared at the spinning carousel and the boy beside him felt a measure of calmness—of wholeness? And yet.. The air felt slightly thick. What could he say to Gon? How were they to go about, now? Texts and phone calls while they were sparse were one issue but now that they were together in person…

_What now?_ Killua had thought as they retrieved the two suitcases they packed and moved towards the entrance of the airport.

“W-where are you guys staying? I have a place. It’s all mine and you guys can stay for however long you want!” Gon offered excitably, breaking the silence between the trio.

“Uh, we’ve already booked a hotel, there’s a shuttle that takes us right to it.”

“But onii-chan can stay with you and I can stay at the hotel by myself!” Alluka smiled.

“Alluka, I don’t think you shou--”

“Aww, come on, onii-chan! I think 14 is old enough to watch over myself! Besides, you should spend time with Gon, I’ll be fine!” She insisted and Killua couldn’t refuse his little sister, not just because she gave eyes he was a sucker for but also because he truly did want to be with and near Gon.

“There’s no rush for Killua to decide right now. Let’s just drop your things off at your hotel and then we can decide what to do from there!” Gon supplied an option, though he was hoping deep down inside that Killua would choose to stay with him.

_I missed Killua, I missed Killua, I missed Killua!_

Killua sighed, nodding and they packed themselves into a shuttle, checking in and dropping their items off in their hotel room before taking off in a taxi with Gon and heading over to a restaurant he had suggested.

“Nee, Gon.”

“Nee, Killua.” Gon smiled brightly, eyes closed and Killua felt his cheeks redden, something inside of him so happy but unused to Gon looking at him like _that._

“So, you really got your Nen back, huh?”

“Mm! I’ve been training with Ging these past years. It was definitely difficult at first, but I’m much stronger now. What about Killua? Your electricity was so incredible before! Killua has to be so much stronger now!”

“Onii-chan can call it at will now, he doesn’t even have to charge up anymore!”

“Ehh?! How did Killua manage to do that?”

“Well, I--” Killua chuckled, feeling embarrassed about the story he was about to relay to Gon. “I was training out in a storm once and I—I kind of--” His hand went to the back of his neck to alleviate his emotional foolishness he felt but Alluka interrupted him before he could speak.

“He got struck by lightning!” Alluka cackled, as she always firmly believed it is exactly what he deserved for being stupid enough to train with electricity in a storm. Killua glared at her.

“Getting struck by lightning really hurts, okay!? No amount of torture could have prepared me for that.” Killua shivered violently as he remembered the pain, “Ever since then I don’t have to charge up, anymore.” He raised his hand and a blue orb of electricity formed inside his palm. “I can call it at will.” Killua closed his hand and the ball shrank before disappearing completely, Gon was in awe.

“Amaazing!” Gon said as he stared at Killua’s closed hand and then shook his head to snap himself out of his stupor. “Nee, Killua never told me he got struck by lightning…? Are you okay, Killua?”

“Y-yeah, ‘course. Sorry I didn’t tell you, I guess it just didn’t seem like something I wanted to brag about.” Killua shrugged, feeling ashamed that he had ignored Gon for so long.

_But how could I have spoken to you, Gon? I… I…_

Their food arrived and before anything else could be said, the boys dug in with fervor. Stacking up bowls and plates as if they hadn’t eaten in weeks.

Alluka laughed at the two boys, thinking they were more alike than she ever knew. And she felt the moment was bittersweet as she looked at her brother laugh and snort noodles out of his nose, because she had not seen him this happy before.

_His eyes_ , she thought, _his smile reaches his eyes and they shine._


	3. Chapter 3

“Y-you live in Heaven’s Arena?”

“I’m a floor master.”

“Ehhhh????!!”

“Ging suggested this, actually. It’s a way to train while he’s away, I get to fight incredibly tough opponents and it helps with my Nen, as well. Like training with Bisky before.” Gon strolled through the entrance, pausing for Killua to pick his jaw up from the floor and follow him in.

“We didn’t even make it past the 200’s and yet you became a damn floor master.” Killua chuckled, in absolute awe of Gon’s strength.

“Wait until you actually get to see it all!”

They rode the elevator up together towards the top floors and ran side by side, up and down the long hall that belonged to Gon.

“Gon, this is amazing!”

“Check out the room!” Gon insisted, inserting his keys and opening the door for Killua.

Gon’s apartment was gigantic, for lack of a better word. His kitchen and living room were probably as big as the current hotel suite he booked alone, on top of that the place was clean. Ridiculously clean. So clean Killua wasn’t sure a teenage boy actually lived here.

“This place is immaculate..” Killua’s eyes were shining, his finger swiped over a shelf just to see if it had dust hiding somewhere but it came back completely clean.

“Oh, yeah Mito-san makes the trek down here sometimes to see me. She usually smacks me if it isn’t clean like this, so I’m just used to it now.” Gon chuckles.

“This place is great, Gon.” Killua was in awe, looking all around himself at what Gon had accomplished for himself in just 3 years.

“Thanks. Take your time and explore if you want.”

“Yeah, okay.” Killua nodded in a daze, “I just really want to check in on Alluka first.”

After an entire day of exploring the city with Gon, Alluka had in fact convinced Killua to let her stay in their hotel—for one night. That was Killua’s compromise. Truthfully, Killua and Alluka had not been separate since the World Tree, they were always a mere shout away from each other so being miles apart made Killua anxious.

“Hello?”

“Alluka!”

“Onii-chan! Hi! Miss me already?” She was amused.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes?” Slightly confused, now.

“Is the door locked? Are you hungry? Did you do the mirror test?” Killua fretted over his sister through the phone like a mother hen.

“Onii-chan!”

“Alluka.” Killua regarded her with a quiet but serious tone that made her back straighten, knowing her brother was absolutely serious at this point.

“The door is double locked, I have leftovers in the mini fridge and yes the mirror test has been done. Okay?”

Killua sighed. “Okay. But call me immediately for any reason. Anything, I mean it.”

“I promise.” She soothed him and he nodded, knowing that she couldn’t see him through the phone.

“Okay. Goodnight, Alluka.”

“Make sure Gon has a birthday he’ll never forget!” Alluka hung up the phone, sighing in relief and smiling at having their hotel suite to herself, away from the prying eyes of her overprotective brother.

“How is she?” Gon appeared by his side like a goddamn ninja.

Killua tensed at his sudden appearance and proximity, working to relax his muscles. “Sh-she’s fine.”

Gon hummed in acknowledgment and then...

_Shit._

_What do we do now?_

“I-I set up my room. You can have my bed. I set up something on the couch for me, so..” Gon trailed off, feeling how stifling the air was around them.

“D-Do you-I mean, can I shower? Sorry, just all this travel.” Killua asked, thinking quickly for an excuse to have privacy to process today’s events and also because he did feel slightly grimy.

“Oh of course! Let me show you to the bathroom.” Gon turned away from him and Killua followed down a hallway coming to a stop before a beautiful granite and stone bathroom, Gon fetching a towel from cabinets inside for Killua. “I-I have some clothes, like sleep pants you can wear and stuff. I’ll bring those, too.” And Gon was gone, leaving Killua to stare unabashedly at the awesome amenities this luxury afforded his best friend.

Without too much hesitation the silver haired boy stripped down, jumping into a steaming hot shower.

_When did things become this complicated?_ He thought to himself. _Being with Gon was effortless before, it was like breathing but now every moment feels_ _\--_

_Feels what?_

_Heavy?_

Killua wondered if it was because of the way he felt for Gon, that being in love with him somehow tainted each moment since Killua couldn’t be honest with the way he felt. But no. No. Even if Gon didn’t feel the same, maybe that was okay anyway. Killua could be happy with just this, him and Gon side by side again.

_What, then?_

“Ki-Killua?”

_Shit!_

“Uh, yeah?”

_Holy damn._

_I’m naked and Gon is on the other side of this curtain._

_Me. Naked._

_Gon. Behind the curtain._

“I’ll leave the clothes right here, sorry, just wanted you to know. Take your time.”

But before Killua could awkwardly thank the boy he was thinking about whilst in the shower, he was already gone.

Killua turned the cold water on after that.

 

**X-X-X**

 

Gon’s clothes fit Killua exceptionally well, he hadn’t realized they were practically the same height, though technically Gon was the taller due to the height of his hair.

_Taller than me and he’s a floor master._

_I’m not bitter._

He was nestled warmly in Gon’s bed—which also proved to be huge, it was like a double queen bed and Killua was cocooned tightly in the middle.

However, he couldn’t sleep. All he could think about was Gon.

Something had changed about the dark haired boy, Killua saw it that day when Gon thought no one was looking or perhaps when he wasn’t aware of some facade dropping. But Killua recognized that Gon walked as if he carried a weight on his shoulders, sometimes when he was looking away his gaze would darken and he wasn’t the overly joyous and optimistic kid he was before.

On top of that, Gon was a simple shout away. Laying out on his couch in the living room, Killua hadn’t been so close to him in years. Gon was close, so so close but not close enough. Killua realized he craved more.

_Damn._

_Damn, damn!_

Killua groaned, attempting to toss this way and that in a small fit, however he rolled too hard or too fast overestimating the wide berth he thought had in the bed and fell face first into Gon’s carpet, letting out a small yelp before eating shaggy wool. He laid there for a few moments, wallowing in his stupidity before moving side to side like a worm trying to remove himself once more.

_The fuck!_

_What are these sheets made of?!_

There were a few soft pats outside of the bedroom and Killua froze, the door opening and light flooding the dark room.

“Killua…?” Gon’s hesitant voice called out into the room, seeing an empty bed.

_Fucking hell._

“Uh, d-down here.”

“What is Killua doing?”

“I--” He swallowed hard, still facing Gon’s floor. “I’m stuck in these stupid blankets! Baka! Baka!” He flopped like a fish out of water and Gon couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. Killua growled.

“I-I’m sorry, Killua! You’re just so funny!” Gon continued to laugh as he knelt beside Killua and they both worked to free him from the confining space. “There, better?” Gon sat cross legged next to Killua who sat up against the mattress.

“Y-yeah. Thanks.” Killua swallowed hard and they lapsed into silence for a few moments.

“Killua.”

“Hmm?”

“Can I sleep with you?”

_Shitfuckshit!_

“W-what?”

“I-I can’t sleep on the couch, it’s actually too small for me. Kind of uncomfortable.” Gon rubs the back of his neck and lets out a small laugh _._

_Oh. No, of course that’s what he meant. Baka!_

“It’s your room, Gon. I don’t really care.” Killua tried to sound nonchalant but he wondered if in the stillness of the room Gon could hear how hard and fast his heart was pounding.

“Okay! It’ll be like a sleep over!” The newly turned 17 year-old boy dashed out of the room and was back with his own pillow and blanket, fluffing it to prepare the bed. “Nee, Killua. The edge or the wall?”

“Huh?”

“Do you like the edge of the bed or inside by the wall?”

“Oh. Then, the edge?”

Gon quickly crawled across the large bed and began to get comfortable as Killua sat staring at him for a few moments, watching as the white tank Gon was wearing moved pleasantly around his chest. From here he could just see his strong collar bones and the top of his pecs but that was enough to make Killua think he should jump in the shower again.

A few moments ago he was thinking about how to get close to Gon and now that a situation had presented itself, Killua was wondering if he could even lay down beside Gon without having the urge to jump him.

“Is Killua going to lay down…?”

“Mm.” Killua hummed, not trusting his voice as he settled into the bed, making sure to keep a near foot of space between himself and Gon. He realized then he had cast himself in the shadows while Gon was bathed in the doorway’s light, _hadn’t it always been this way?_ He thought idly.

“What’s bothering Killua?”

_Fuck!_

_What’s bothering me?_

_What is truly bothering me?_

_I’m in love with you and all I can think about is sticking my tongue down your throat!_

However, he opted to bring up another issue that had been plaguing him.

“3 years, Gon. It’s been 3 years.” His voice nearly fell into a whisper as he stared at Gon’s ceiling. “I don’t even know how to act around you.”

“Act?”

“Be.”

“Killua’s my best friend, all he has to do is _be_ himself.”

“How can you still say we’re best friends when we don’t even know each other anymore? Maybe you’ll think this 16 year old version of me is an absolute asshole! Or maybe I’ll think you’re the asshole!”

_Maybe you won’t love me back._

_Even so,_

_if I tell you,_

_would you still stay by my side?_

“No matter how much time has passed, no matter where we go or what happens, Killua will always be my best friend.” Gon spoke with confidence, no doubt or hesitation, he was absolutely sure of the words he spoke.

Killua felt something in his chest, he tried to breathe calmly but all that came of it was a sob. His vision blurred as tears formed in his eyes without his willing them to.

“Ah! Killua!”

“Shit, damn! I’m-I’m fine!” Killua said, sitting up as he wiped the tears from his face and gritting his teeth.

Gon was at his side immediately, not bothering to listen to poor excuses, he wrapped an arm around Killua’s shoulders and laid a comforting hand on his arm. Killua couldn’t bare to show his face, opting to cover it with both hands as he knew he was blushing from the embarrassment.

“It’s—you’re just so damn embarrassing and I’m exhausted, it’s the days getting to me!” Killua tried to explain, though even he didn’t really believe his own words.

_No matter where we go or what happens--_

“It’s okay, Killua.” Gon said, his words incredibly soft and sincere.

_But I wasn’t truly okay before, Gon. I missed you every moment._

_\--Killua will always be my best friend._

_I don’t know if I can tell you.._

Killua’s frame shook in Gon’s hold and he told himself to pull it together, taking a few more moments before he regained control of his emotions and sighed. Killua lowered his hands from his face and Gon was wadding up his shirt to clean his tear streaked face.

“Baka, I’m fine.” He sighed through his mouth as his nose was plugged and Gon tried not to smile when he heard Killua’s voice sound more like a duck’s might. Killua sniffled a few times before sighing and lying back down, Gon followed but this time he was closer and shifted to face Killua. He blinked, trying to muster the courage to speak his next words.

“Nee, Killua?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything that happened. Kite, Pitou, it was all my fault.”

“Gon, it’s--” Killua tried to stop Gon from going any further, this talk was perhaps needed but he didn’t want it to happen tonight.

“Killua.” Gon cut him off in a stern voice and reached for Killua’s hand, interlocking their fingers and Killua laid still, his fingers hanging limply while Gon held him tight. “I know that it’s in the past, I can’t go back and change any of it but I think about it, a lot. I think about how selfish I was and how I hurt you—not just you but everyone. Killua’s always coming to save me, Nanika saved my life. I never apologized the right way, I’m never good at that.” He squeezed Killua’s hand and Killua sighed, squeezing back. He craved the contact and the calm and maybe even this apology. “Ging told me there was one rule when apologizing to your friends, and it was to make a promise to do things differently.” Gon paused, taking a deep breath. “Killua, I hope nothing like that happens, ever again. But if it does, I promise to do things differently.” Killua could hear exactly how serious Gon was, could hear how upset Gon was with himself. That silent darkness and anger in his soul. _The weight he carries on his shoulders..._

Killua wanted to take his ache and pain away, to heal his soul in any way he could, Gon had always been his light, Gon had always been strength.

“You know, it’s not a real promise until it’s a pinky promise.” Killua bargained, softly. And he felt the bed rumble as Gon chuckled before raising his free hand, still holding onto his best friend with the other, Killua mirrored his action and they latched pinkies.

They both serenaded each other, Gon swinging their arms back and forth.

“Pinky swear made! Whoever breaks this promise has to swallow a thousand needles! Sealed with a kiss!”

And Killua was glad he was covered in near absolute darkness because _kiss_ and _Gon_ together in one moment was enough to make him blush fiercely. If his palm wasn’t sweating within Gon’s already, it certainly was now.

They separated pinkies but kept their hands intertwined between them in the bed, both teenagers needing the constant affirmation of the others presence.

“Oi, baka. That’s a better apology than you gave me three years ago, you know.” Killua tried to lighten the mood, finally feeling his fatigue hit him.

“I’ll apologize better next time, too.” Gon laughed and gave Killua’s hand a quick squeeze before the two lapsed back into silence. “I missed Killua.” Gon said quietly.

_And I missed you_ , Killua thought in reply. _So much_ _._

“Nee, Gon.”

“Mm?”

“Happy Birthday.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! So, I've been getting comments saying how cute this story is and I'm definitely glad for it! But just because it's cute now doesn't mean there isn't a really shitty road ahead. The next few chapters will be pretty cute, as well, but it's actually building to a few explosions--what I'm trying to say is shit's going to hit the fan and it's not going to be pretty. But stay tuned, anyway and keep reading! The gang appreciates you-Yes, even Killua.

Killua woke to hot breath fanning his face, his nose scrunching as he realized it didn’t smell particularly well either. His eyes opened slowly, the image hazy at first before he adjusted to the sunlight in the room. Gon was lying beside him. His mouth slack, breathing harshly and Killua noticed there was drool leading from his mouth to the bed sheets. He pursed his lips, trying not to laugh at the image before him and failed, using his hand to muffle his chuckles. He took a deep breath and sighed to calm himself down after a few moments, his eyes began to wander over Gon's face. He looks so... peaceful. No lines of worry or stress, no frown marring his features. And _fuckshitfuck_ there was that stubble he had only previously admired through a cell phone screen...Gon suddenly snorteded loudly and mumbled incoherent words in his sleep, his open mouth pulling up at the edges to form.. a smile?

"Ki-Killua..." Gon said sleepily and Killua froze, suddenly worried that Gon was awake and he'd pretty much been staring at Gon for the past few minutes completely unabashed.

_Shit, he's awake and he noticed?!_

But Killua found that Gon's eyes were still closed, drool still leading to the bed sheets and form unchanged.

_He.. he said my name in his sleep.._

_What is he dreaming?_

Killua blushed, grinning to himself.

_If he's smiling then it has to be something good, at least._

Killua decided to grab coffee and some food, partly because coffee and any form of breakfast food has always been a gift from the Gods and he wanted to check on Alluka at the hotel-- but mainly because if he stayed in bed any longer he would be absolutely tempted to touch Gon. And that was likely a terrible idea.

_Only terrible if he doesn't respond.._

He groaned, slipping out quietly and changed quick as he could into the clothes he wore a day earlier, folding the borrowed sleepwear before Gon could wake. He made it to a small mom and pop coffee shop he remembered driving by in their taxi with freshly baked goods and nearly buys two of everything on display, a mocha latte for himself _(because chocolate!_ ) and a hot chocolate for Gon--because everyone knows he's already a ball of energy, he doesn't need the added support of coffee. He also buys a blueberry muffin and an egg sandwich for Alluka, a Thai tea as well—her favorite.

He stopped off at his hotel to drop in on his little sister, some of his anxiety still present as he used his Godspeed in the hotel staircase to reach his floor quicker. Upon entering their room he sighed in relief seeing the hunched over sleeping form of his sister in one of their double beds.

_Sleeping habits of teenage girls_ , he thought to himself and rolled his eyes, _it’s nearly 9 am_.

He smirked to himself as he had an idea, setting down his bag of goods and tray of drinks he made his way to their curtains and quickly opened them completely to filter sunlight in.

“Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!” He shouted and Alluka bursts forward in bed, feeling absolute panic.

“Huh? What?!” She gasped as she turned towards Killua and immediately shielded her entire face from the sun drifting in. “ACK! No! Shut the curtains, shut the curtains! It burns!” She threw her blanket over her head.

_Tch! Queen of Dramatics._

Killua didn’t close the curtains, instead choosing to stand beside Alluka’s cowering figure on her mattress.

“Oi.” He said and used some of his actual strength to pry the blankets out of her death grip and off her. “You didn’t brush your hair last night after you took a shower did you, Medusa?”

Alluka’s hair resembled more of a rat’s nest than actual hair atop her head and Alluka blushed furiously as she rapidly blinked to gain a semi-awakened state, her blue eyes murky.

“Stop it, onii-chan! Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend, anyway?! After all this hard work I put in for you!”

It was Killua’s turn to blink rapidly as he blanched.

“Eh?!”

“Oh come on, you’re not that covert. You were always googly eyed staring at your phone, blushing or you would jump to grab it when Gon was calling, don’t think I didn’t notice.” She scrunched her nose and yawned deeply. “You may have sheltered me onii-chan but I’m not _that_ sheltered. Besides, I watch TV.” She stuck her tongue out at him and Killua already felt a headache coming on from the sudden irritation so early in the morning. “Oh, Gon! It’s been so long!” Alluka put on a high pitched dramatic voice, clutching her hands to her chest. “Oh, Killua! I’ve missed you so! Here, let me jump you in the middle of a crowded airport and then we can go back to my place!”

Killua’s irritation reached it’s peak with his sister, he threw the covers back over and knocking her over he mussed her head and hoped he was forming several painful tangles.

“Well, then. I guess I’ll eat this delicious homemade blueberry muffin and egg sandwich, wash it down with this Thai tea. Mmmm!” He hummed, walking over to the table with the bag of baked goods and pulled out the blueberry muffin to raise it to his mouth.

Before he could, Alluka moved like a cheetah, shooting out of bed and running straight for him.

“Thai tea?! Blueberry muffin!? Onii-chan, wait wait wait!” She begged and Killua smirked inwardly, thinking his sister was so easy to play sometimes. “I’m-I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was talking about! I’m a baka! Please don’t eat my foooooood!” Alluka whined and looked up with puppy dog blue eyes, Killua sighed giving over to his little sister, handed over the muffin and the rest of her food. “Thank you onii-chan! Love you!” She beamed, taking a bite of the blueberry muffin. Killua laughed to himself, suddenly realizing that he was actually the one who had just gotten played.

“Where is your other half, anyway? I thought you guys would be stuck together like glue.”

He ignored her comment.

“I woke up early so I decided to get some breakfast and I wanted to check in on you, make sure you were okay.” He smiled fondly at the girl who was currently stuffing her face with her egg sandwich. She managed a brief smile at him before continuing her eating. “I’ll be by later to pick you up for lunch, okay?” Now that he had seen his sister, he was calmed at seeing her safe and sound. He gave her a brief kiss on her forehead and turned to leave with his items.

“Tell Gon I said good morning, onii-chan!” Alluka yelled out to him before he closed the door. He peeked back in after a moment.

“Oi! Brush your hair or else people will think you’re housing birds in there!” He quickly shut the door after that with wide eyes before Alluka’s thrown egg sandwich could hit him in the face. He snickered, shaking his head and heading for Gon.

He made it back to Gon's room in record time, he thought, but froze when he heard a muffled wail from inside the room. He was stock still because it was without a doubt the most painful cry Killua had ever heard, full of heartbreak and sorrow, something that made his heart drop. Upon hearing the heart wrenching wail again he fumbled with the items in his hands and the doorknob, quickly turning it and pushing open the door to get to Gon.

Said boy was on the floor, on his knees with his face in his hands and letting out sobs that made goosebumps rise all over Killua’s skin, hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Killua nearly threw every item on the nearest table and was on his knees in front of the boy he loved in seconds.

"Gon! Gon, what's wrong?! What happened?!" He felt Gon's pain as his own and it was near more than he could take. He took hold of Gon's wrists, pulling his hands from his face to see his reddened skin, tears and snot running fiercely and freely, Killua ground his teeth in distress. _What can I do?_

"Killua...?"

"Yeah, Gon."

"Killua!" Gon threw himself at Killua, sobbing as he wrapped himself around Killua like a spider monkey in his lap. "I thought Killua was gone! I thought Killua was a dream! You were gone and I got--" he sobs, "I was so afraid, Killua! I wanted you to be real!" Gon wailed again, his emotions running high and Killua held the teenager tight in his arms, burying his face in the crook of Gon's neck.

"It's okay, I'm here. I'm here." He assured his best friend, swallowing hard and trying to assess the situation before him. "I-I'm sorry.” He held onto Gon tightly, completely caught off guard by this reaction but wanting to comfort him and make him smile, again. “Hey, I-I got hot chocolate and some muffins, well an assortment of things, I guess."

He wasn’t exactly a pro dealing with people who cried, but he had enough experience with Alluka to know that physical closeness and distractions were a good remedy in most cases. Killua hoped this was one of those.

Gon pulled back, his eyes still watery but shining and a small smile on his face. "Killua did?"

"Uhh.." Was all Killua was coherent enough to say as he realized that Gon was in his lap. Gon, his best friend, the teenage boy he was in love with, had his legs wrapped around Killua's waist and his hands gripping his shoulders, face mere inches away. Killua blushed and quickly removed Gon from his lap, raising himself to stand as he presented Gon with a bag of their baked goods and his hot chocolate.

Gon beamed, taking the bag and his hot chocolate with fervor Killua didn't know he currently had. His mood swings were certainly giving him whiplash.

"Are you okay?" Killua asked, still rooted to his standing position as Gon removed item after item from their bag and set them on the table. It really took all of his willpower not to look below the table to see exactly what Gon slept in--he really didn’t get a decent enough look last night.

"Mm! This all looks so good, Killua! Thank you!"

_Whiplash._

"Yeah.." Killua blushed again, or perhaps he blushed harder since he wasn't sure he had fully gotten over what happened beforehand because Gon just looked at him with that.. with that.. _with that damn look!_ Like Killua was the sun that shone down to give Gon warmth. He tried to regain control, sitting down across from Gon and inspecting their breakfast.

Killua picked at the pastries he chose for himself, stealing glances at Gon, his lips falling into a worried frown. “Gon are you-are you really okay?”

Gon looked up from his own bit of food and sighed, a guilty look marring his face. “Yeah, I’m sorry Killua. It was just strange, I guess. I-I woke up and you weren’t there, not a single trace that you stayed at all, I thought it was a dream I felt-I was very sad. Obviously.” He blushed, embarrassed.

Without thinking, Killua laid his hand on top of Gon’s and squeezed, thinking how he would feel if the situation were reverse—the devastation Killua would feel thinking Gon was just a trick of the mind.

“I should have left a note, I wasn’t thinking.” Killua apologized.

“Mm!” Gon smiled and shook his head, “I just missed you for so long, is all. But Killua’s here now, it’s okay!” He laughed and Killua retracted his hand from Gon’s after a moment, still feeling a little wrecked at finding Gon the way he did. “It is okay, right?”

“Hmm?” Killua offered furrowed brows.

“Us? Killua’s not mad at me for staying away for so long?”

“We’re both to blame for that, Gon.” Killua’s eyes softened, seeing an older vulnerable Gon and his heart tugged. “But it doesn’t matter, anyway. We’re here, right?” He prodded, hoping to gain another smile from the boy.

Gon nodded.

“We’re okay.”

“Then will Killua come to my fight today?” Gon was standing up, palms down on the table with an eager look on his face.

_Whiplash, whiplash._

“Your fight?”

“I put my name down for today’s date, I have to continue to fight to stay here. Remember? Nee, Killua! Why don’t you sign up, too?!” Gon’s eyes were shining and Killua felt bad for having to remind Gon of the last time they came.

“I can’t. I’ve already been here 3 times and I’ve quit 3 times. I’m not allowed to re-enter.”

Gon hummed in thought, retaking his seat and mindlessly eating his food, Killua did the same. Though he recognized that this silence was not awkward or uncomfortable or heavy like it had been the day prior.

It felt good.

“How many people have you fought to keep this room?” Killua wondered aloud, knowing that Heaven’s Arena while it looked plush from this vantage was still a competition.

“Hmm..” Gon hummed in thought, his eyes narrowing as he tried to recall a number and for a moment Killua watched as Gon’s lips pursed, chin wrinkling and jaw sharpening.

_Fuck, was he always this cute?_

_Ah, shit._

“Probably a dozen, at least. It’s been really challenging but it’s also been fun. Oh! I fought Hanzo once!” Excited as ever about being able to share fight stories.

“Huh!? Hanzo?! Tch! Did you win him over with your words, again?” Killua was teasing outwardly but he was hiding how impressed he was that Gon had actually come that far in terms of strength.

“I didn’t win outright, I just had enough points from knockdown’s and clean hits. Still, I’d like to fight him again.” And Killua wasn’t surprised when he saw the same fearful but excited look from years ago on Gon’s face, _I guess some things never change._

“So who are you fighting next?”

“The floor master above me! I’m actually really close to that Battle Olympia we heard about last time, I wasn’t interested at first but Ging thinks this is all good training.”

_Floor master? Battle Olympia?_

_All because Ging says so, huh…_

Killua took a sip of his mocha latte, a pensive look on his face. “Where is the old man, anyway? Waited all these years and I’ve yet to even meet him in person.”

“He has an obligation to the Hunter association so every few months, he leaves a few days or weeks at a time for business over there.” Gon says without looking across at his best friend.

Killua hummed in acknowledgment and sighed. “Well, tell me about this floor master. Have you scoped him out? Found any weaknesses? The way he fights?” He leaned over, listening with rapt attention as Gon regaled him about the floor master above him, _Nobu Ashida_ who was actually a magical beast, a snake humanoid, and a woman to boot. They discussed strategy over their breakfast, even going so far as to both swap fighting stories from over the years that they hadn’t previously told and the hours flew by.

Killua’s phone vibrated loudly on the table between the boys, Alluka’s name popping up on Killua’s cell phone screen. “Sorry, hold on.” He apologized, clicking answer on the screen. “Hey, is everything okay?”

“No, it’s not!”

“What’s wrong?” Killua was up and out of his seat in a second, ready to bolt outside of Gon’s door immediately upon hearing the upset tone his baby sister had.

“I’m hungry, that’s what’s wrong! You left me all alone in this hotel with hardly any food and I can’t go anywhere, it’s like you left me to die!” She dramatized and Killua felt his eye twitch.

_The little…_

“Alluka, you scared the crap out of me, I thought something terrible was happening!” He yelled at her, noticing Gon’s worried gaze and shook his head minutely.

“I’m dying of starvation isn’t that terrible enough?!”

“I swear you get your dramatics from our mother, Alluka.” Killua sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, “I’ll be down there to get you right now, okay? Sit tight, can you do that for me, sister?”

“I don’t know onii-chan.... My eye sight is blurring, I think I see the light.”

“You’re a spoiled brat, you know that?”

“Well, yeah but you still love me, right, onii-chan?”

“Always, Alluka.” He laughed his annoyance off before rolling his eyes at Alluka’s absolute melodramatics. If his hair wasn’t already white, it would be on its way there with the things this girl had pulled through the years. They hung up after that, Killua retaking his seat across from Gon at the table.

“Is Alluka alright?” Gon’s worried voice came out.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. She’s just hungry--” He checked the time on his phone and his eyes widened,”--it’s almost 1 in the afternoon?! Shit, no wonder she’s starving over there.” Killua shook his head and felt a slight pang of shame at the thought he had neglected his sister in such a way.

“Great! We can get lunch together and I’ll head to my fight after, I’ll definitely need the strength.”

Both boys nodded in affirmation to each other, cleaning up and getting ready for the battle ahead of them.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OKAY! Hey guys, so there IS a fight scene in here, I don't know if I should do possible triggers? There is mention of blood and bodily harm so--however, it's not a full battle, I wrote half because, well you'll see. Also DISCLAIMER (?), the "narration" from the arena host is actually from Phantom Rouge (the movie), at least some of it is so there's that. I'm also currently on chapter 10 and I estimate there's 5 chapters left to write so the entirety of this will be 15-16 chapters long. Anyway, enjoy! Don't be afraid to leave comments/critiques!

“Alluka, are you sure you want to be here for this? It’s not like in movies, there’s a lot they don’t show you.” Killua yelled over the booming crowd around them.

They were currently nestled inside of Heaven’s Arena, the place was completely packed, not an empty seat in sight and the crowd roared with impatience, calling for the two competing floor masters to come out.

“I can handle it, onii-chan! I wanna see Gon-kun fight!” Alluka’s eyes were shining with anticipation and she began to chew on her thumb, Killua sighed to himself, knowing Alluka was resolute in her decision. He only hoped the fight wouldn’t be too bad and Alluka wouldn’t see anything too terrible.

The lights suddenly went out around the stadium and the crowd went wild, a sudden spotlight shined down on the square stage and Killua felt nostalgic, remembering not only being in the audience several years ago but also being on the actual battle stage.

“And now ladies and gentlemen! The fight you’ve been waiting for, our main event!” The female announcer yelled in her microphone.

The crowd clapped, whistled, and yelled with impatience and excitement.

“Gon, master of floor 239 fighting against Nobu Ashida, master of floor 240! Both opponents show true promise and strength, how much sweat will we see from the warriors that are about to enter? What are they living for? Strength? Fame? Money? They can get it all at once from this tournament! The only thing that matters now: Is to be the strongest!” The announcer revved the crowd up and they reacted exactly how she wanted. Shouting, jeering, laughing, everyone bloodthirsty.

He scooted closer to his sister, wary of the drunken men surrounding them, though she seemed utterly at ease as he heard her cheering.

“Gon! Go Gon-kun!! Good luck!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, smile spread across her face and eyes shining. Killua turned his head, allowing his long hair to fall over his face as he smirked at his sister’s antics.

_Always excitable, always dramatic._

The two opponents arrived on stage at opposite ends and Killua got his first look at Nobu the magical beast, a snake humanoid with orange eyes and a rattler’s tail, her hair was a deep black and brown, scales were prominent from her forehead to high cheekbones. Killua almost had the urge to cover Alluka’s eyes as the outfit Nobu wore was very... _Revealing_ , to say the least, a corset that forced the top half of her bosom to pop out and shorts that cut off at her thighs.

Killua had to shake himself out of his gawking as he realized Nobu had moved from the spot he’d seen her in a mere second ago, she was launching herself straight toward Gon.

_No holding back, Gon._

Killua thought back to the conversation he had earlier with Gon as they were discussing Nobu’s abilities and how they should approach defeating her. Gon said he didn’t want to hold back and Killua agreed, though after revealing her Nen ability-the power to form dozens of small venomous snakes at the small of her back to attack at a furious speed, he urged Gon to do what he could to keep his distance. In-fighting had likely been the femme fatale’s way to the top. Gon would have to rely on his newly learned Nen to fend her off from a distance.

Killua watched the fight on stage with great intensity.

Nobu was the one to make the first clean hit, an uppercut that threw Gon several feet in the air though he rebounded quickly and flipped, landing using one hand. Nobu stroke again while Gon was distracted with landing, swinging the tail behind her and slamming it into his back, Gon flew out of the ring and into the tournament wall.

“Gon-kun!” Alluka screamed and Killua reached for his sister’s hand, Gon was definitely not injured to the point of death but perhaps this was too difficult for such a young girl with a big heart to watch.

Gon came running through the dirt storm kicked up by destroying the wall, Nobu released her Nen, a hail of snakes heading straight for Gon. Gon wasted no time in reaching the stage and lifting one of the sqaure floor blocks to throw at Nobu, her snakes bursted through creating a shower of the floor and Gon used it as a distraction, appearing beside Nobu and attempting a kick. Nobu blocked with her arm and the two exchanged a flurry of hits against each other in a matter of seconds. Gon jumped back to the opposite end of the stage and used his first Nen ability, “paper” of his ‘rock, paper, scissors’. He rapidly powered off several orb like bursts of power from his palm and shot out at Nobu. She dodged many but a few did hit her several times and the force of it drove her head first into the arena floor where she stayed for several seconds, awarding Gon with points for a knockdown. However, he still had much left to go.

Nobu stood on slightly shaky feet, blood pouring from a wound on her head and she lashed out at Gon. The snakes at her back swiped at him, this way and that, Gon dodged with incredible speed though Killua was not surprised. Due to the fact Gon was trying to keep up with the dozens of snakes attempting to attack him, he didn’t notice Nobu rushing with fists out until it was too late and she landed a hit with enough force that Killua knew a few ribs had to at least have been cracked. Gon coughed up blood.

“Onii-chan!” Alluka yelled, tears in her eyes as she burrowed into her brother’s chest and he wrapped his arms around her. Gon certainly wasn’t done, he knew he could bounce back, he’d been through worse—but Alluka _was done._ And that was more important. Killua quickly pulled her up, sending a silent apology to Gon as they made their way out of the arena, a crying Alluka in his arms.

**X-X-X**

“Gon-kun!” Alluka yelled as she made a beeline for Gon’s lone figure standing outside the infirmary, ribs bandaged and arm in a sling. She hugged him, wrapping her arms around his chest and being careful not to touch his arm, he smiled down at his best friend’s little sister.

“Alluka-chan! Did you watch the fight?”

“Me and onii-chan were in the stands cheering you on! Are you okay? Does it really hurt?” She focused on the sling Gon’s arm was in, hovering over him this way and that as she examined him, noticing a bruise on his cheek and one eye near swollen shut.

“I wasn’t cheering you on, baka. She’s lying about that.” Killua’s voice rounded the corner before he did, hands in his pockets and walking at a leisurely pace as he came closer to the pair.

“Killua..” Gon smiled but soon let it drop as Killua had a look on his face that showed he wasn’t entirely pleased.

Killua grit his teeth before clearing his throat and doing his best to relax his tense shoulders.

“I should admit we couldn’t stay the entire fight. You look a lot better than I thought you would have after watching just a few minutes of that beat down, did you win?” Killua forced his voice to sound light, almost bored.

“Huhh? Killua couldn’t stay?” Gon appeared crestfallen.

“I-it’s my fault, Gon-kun. I-I just couldn’t watch you get hurt, I’m sorry!” Alluka’s thumb went to her teeth and Gon’s expression softened.

“It’s okay, Alluka-chan. Besides, you’re looking at the master of floor 240!” Gon smiled and then winced, frowning as he opened a wound on his lip and blood trailed down. Alluka almost fainted. “Heheh, sorry.” Gon at least had the decency to look bashful as he covered his mouth and wiped the blood off his chin.

“Last I saw, Nobu was ahead in points. What’d you do to close the gap?” Killua was genuinely interested in his reply. The snake was definitely talented.

Gon smirked, “With this.” He raised two fingers and a ray of energy shot out, resembling a sword. Killua’s eyes widened and he smiled, impressed that Gon had in fact come a bit away from what the threshold for this used to be. And he used to always call out his abilities.

_He used ‘scissors’?! Wait.. That meant he had to get in close quarters with her._

Killua flicked Gon’s forehead, conserving practically all of his strength so all Gon felt was a small thump and ‘scissors’ evaporated.

“Baka.” Killua broke into a small grin, understanding that Gon still had to make moves in the heat of the moment—he figured they could have been smarter moves but alas, Gon was okay despite perhaps a few cracked ribs, his broken arm and bruises.

“I missed you calling me that.” Gon smiled fondly at Killua and the silver haired boy could have sworn he saw something shining in Gon’s one open eye but he turned away with a blush before he could think too much on it.

Alluka giggled, elbowing her brother in his ribs and giving him a certain look that Killua knew associated him and Gon. He scoffed, ignoring her completely.

“So, are you moving out of your place tonight?” Killua changed the conversation as the trio began walking out of the infirmary and out into the Arena’s lobby.

“No, probably tomorrow so I’ll have to pack all of tonight.” Gon sighed, “Nee, Killua, I’ve been thinking about something or well rather I thought about something I could do if I won.”

“Oh?”

“When I move into the next floor, why don’t you and Alluka bring your stuff with you? You guys don’t have to stay in a hotel and pay for it. You can stay with me! Killua saw, I’d have more than enough space.”

“I-I don’t--”

“We’d love to, Gon-kun! It sounds like so much fun! We could stay up late nights and watch movies together and then all cook together in the morning! I’ve never cooked, onii-chan never taught me and I honestly don’t think he knows either but--” Alluka rambled on excitedly as she wrapped her hand around her brother’s and squeezed in a silent plea.

Killua sighed, knowing he couldn’t refuse Gon now since Alluka created her perfect roommate life and one look at Gon showed exactly how excited he was at the prospect as well.

_Wouldn’t I do this if I wasn’t in love with him? If he were still only my best friend, wouldn’t I have readily accepted?_

_Fucksake, I’m terrified because I’m in love with him?_

_Man, love is a goddamn pain!_

“Onii-chaaaaan!” Alluka called, waving her hand in Killua’s face and he blinked to attenion. “We’re going to Gon’s to help him pack, right?”

“Uh--”

“It would be such a big help, Killua!” And Gon gave Killua this look, this weird bright eyed look that made Killua blush and he couldn’t say no, actually he couldn’t say yes either, he couldn’t say anything. He was a little… _Dazed_.

“Y-your arm is broken, you should r-rest it.” _Baka_. He was definitely a baka.

“Yay!” Alluka yelled beside him and Gon laughed as they all made their way up to floor 239.

“I have some boxes in my room from when I moved in a few months ago, Alluka you can take the living room and the kitchen, me and Killua will take my room and the bathroom.” Gon and Killua walked to his room and Gon quickly found several broken down boxes to pack his items and ran out to give them to Alluka.

Killua hadn’t had a good look around Gon’s room before though it was clean as the rest of his home, only his bed, a few shelves, a simple desk and a dresser as pieces of furniture in the room. The shelves held a mixture of video games, books and DVD’s and there was a game system hooked up, a plasma TV hung on the wall. All of this was of no consequence to Killua, didn’t catch too much of his attention, it was something else entirely.

It was the pictures.

They were scattered around Gon’s room, tacked to his walls in very simple brown and black frames. Pictures of Leorio, Kurapika, Morel, Knuckle, himself and Gon.

Placed on Gon’s desk in an elegant but simple frame was a picture of Killua and Gon together, their arms wrapped around each other. It was a younger version of themselves, from a time when things were less complicated. Gon wore a large smile, teeth showing and eyes closed as Killua’s mouth was open as if he were laughing, he remembered this picture was taken in Yorknew City, where he and Gon had met up with Kurapika and Leorio though this day was spent without either of them.

“Do you like the frame? Do you think it’s nice enough?” Gon’s soft voice came from behind Killua and he nearly jumped out of his skin.

_Goddamn ninja!_

“Stop doing that!” He yelled, holding on tightly to the frame and trying to calm himself down from the scare.

“S-sorry, Killua.” Gon laughed and Killua rolled his eyes, immediately forgiving Gon the moment he smiled. Gon slowly walked closer to his best friend, looking at the picture in his hands. “Whenever I missed you too much, I would look at it. I would remember all the times we shared together, how much Killua helped me.” Gon’s voice held a sad tone and Killua had to stop himself from wrapping his arms around him.

Instead he turned away, staring at the photo in his hands for a few more seconds before setting it down carefully. “It’s a great frame, Gon.” He smiled.

Gon smiled back before sitting down on his bed with a slight wince and looking down at his knees. “Nee, Killua, how long are you staying?”

Killua blinked as he hadn’t thought much of this question himself. Usually Killua and his younger sister would stay a maximum of 3 months before adventuring somewhere else, but this wasn’t any ordinary destination.

“I-I don’t know, Gon.” Killua answered truthfully.

But he suddenly wondered, how long could they stay? The biggest reason they were constantly on the move was because of their family. They still wanted Alluka dead or alive in their possession and Killua would die before he allowed that to happen again but… _It’s been years. Were they still something to worry about?_

_No._

_Not them._

_Him. Illumi._

Was Illumi still even looking for them? Killua had been incredibly cautious through the years, creating fake identities, using secure phone lines, never using his Hunter License and never staying in one place long enough for anyone to get used to them or identify them.

 _You ever think it’s time to stop hiding? To stop running? Killua, they can’t be outran. Not for long, anyway._ Leorio’s words from before crept into his mind and he swallowed hard, conflicted.

There was always a way to be found… If one was looking hard enough.

But could Killua even leave Gon, again? _After just having found each other after so long…_

“Killua… Killua doesn’t have to go.” Gon broke through Killua’s inner conflict and he looked up, eyes narrowed in confusion. “Don’t you understand?” Gon paused before going forward, “This is our chance. A chance for me and Killua and Alluka to have a normal life, you guys could stay here with me or we could go back to Whale Island together!” And Killua wanted to interrupt Gon, tell him this was impossible, tell him that he could very possibly be putting himself in great danger, tell Gon that Mito-san would probably never even allow it, anyway. But once Gon started with his excitement, he couldn’t be dissuaded. And so he went on to weave the best tale Killua had ever heard in his life. “Me and Killua could be together, I could show Killua all around Whale Island again, everyday would be a different adventure! We could teach Alluka how to fish and Nanika wouldn’t have to hide from anyone, anymore. I could finally introduce Ging to Killua and we could all travel together.” Gon had a smile in his voice and Killua sat staring at the boy, Gon’s brown eyes shining.

Killua couldn’t help the onslaught of emotions from Gon’s brute honesty, he felt equal parts joy and fear, love and anxiety.

 _Could I? Could we have that?_ Killua asked himself. _A life with no running or hiding, no fear or isolation. A life with a family that always showed love and adoration._ Was he deserving of that? He knew Alluka was..

 _Gon,_ _you always make me want things like this._

_A normal life? All of us, together? Truly..?_

“Will Killua stay, then?” Gon, hope and light.

Killua felt ice cold fear in his heart, a moment of doubt before swallowing it down. He forced himself to remember Gon’s promise. _To do things differently._ _A normal life they deserved._

 _A_ _ll of us, together,_ he reiterated to himself.

“K-Killua will stay.” And he laughed, feeling ridiculous for referring to himself in third person but also high on the thought of staying with Gon—being with Gon. For good.

He would make it work somehow, he had to. Because this time they were sticking together.

The trio began and finished packing within a few hours as Gon hadn’t even used up half the space in the large floor room anyway—and the furniture actually belonged to the Arena--Killua would make side comments about Gon’s injuries and insist he sit down but Gon couldn’t stand idleness for long, just like Alluka. The siblings separated from Gon late in the night after grabbing dinner and they agreed to meet early the next day to move floors and move everything in together. Neither Killua nor Gon slept for long that night, too overcome with excitement in their hearts.

**X-X-X**

“You’re registering for another fight already?!”

After finishing up the packing in Gon’s place and moving it to the next floor a mere hour ago, the dark haired boy had asked for a break and led Killua towards the admission’s desk.

“When you’re a floor master, you don’t get 90 days like we did in the early 200’s. You get 30 days, but I’m making this fight on my last day so we can still stay on the new floor while I heal and train until my next fight.” Gon reassured Killua, briefly looking up from the paperwork he had to fill out.

“I know you’ve healed from worse in a month but still.” Killua shook his head and sighed in worry. _Fuck these Arena rules…_

“I’ll be okay, Killua.” Gon placed his hand on Killua’s shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes, trying to tell him that he meant it. His regeneration time had gotten better, faster. With these superficial wounds, he should be back into peak physical shape within 2 weeks.

“Gon, what are you trying to accomplish here? Make it to Battle Olympia?” Killua inquired, Gon wasn’t about glory or money though he’s sure he had enough of both. _So why keep pushing yourself like this? Do you love the fight this much?_

“If I’m being honest..” Gon looked away, sliding his paperwork to the girl behind the desk and gave her a brief smile before leading Killua away from the desk and back towards their room. “Battle Olympia and the top floors still aren’t anything I care for. It was more or less a way to kill time.” Gon sighed. “Ever since I was a kid, my goal was to find Ging. But I’ve already found him, it’s already been accomplished but since then--” Gon blushed, shameful to admit what he was about to say. “--I’ve been pretty aimless. So, when Ging suggested I do this, it at least gave me something to look forward to. If it can help with my Nen, help me become stronger—then this is what I’d do.”

Killua sighed, turning away from Gon, his hands balling into fists in his pockets.

_Damnit! Gon…_

“I’ll make a deal with you, then. In two and a half weeks time if you’re completely healed, I’ll spar with you. If you don’t beat me, I’m throwing you over my shoulder, taking us all back to Whale Island and away from this Death Match. If you do beat me, then we’ll stay and take these guys down one floor at a time until we’re at Olympia. Additionally, as a precaution, during this next month, we’ll watch the next floor master’s fights from the first taped video to the current, anyway.” He shrugged walking side by side, acting as nonchalant as possible.

Truth be told, he was afraid. These floor masters were no joke, it was the reason they held their sought after titles so tightly. They were tough, tougher than perhaps even Hisoka. They were Phantom Troupe level and even as strong as Gon and Killua were all those years ago, they couldn’t take them on. Gon was risking his life for the sake of training and of course he was, that’s what made him excited even as a kid—but they weren’t kids anymore. And Killua had witnessed Gon killing himself once, had seen that look of emptiness and despair, had carried his lifeless body for miles..

_No!_

_No..._

“So, if I heal in two weeks, Killua will spar with me? Really?!” Gon looked excited at the prospect of fighting his long time best friend and Killua swallowed down his guilt and regret, nodding at the floor.

“But it’s only to make sure you’re strong enough and ready. You win, then we take down the floor master. If you lose against me, forfeit the match and leave Heaven’s Arena behind.” _But I’m not going to lose,_ Killua thought to himself. He wanted to forget all of this, leave it all behind. He wanted Gon’s vision spoken to him last night, he wanted a normal life with the boy he was in love with and his little sister, a home to go back to, a place where they could be safe, _an opportunity._

“But why, Killua? I thought you’d be excited and want to battle, even in spirit, with me.” The boys arrived at the elevator and Killua waited a few moments while their elevator arrived to reply to him, swallowing down his nervousness and taking a deep breath as they walked in.

“Does it really matter why? S-so long as we s-stay together..” Killua shook his head, unable to go any further without spilling his entire heart out and he couldn’t have that. He still had no idea whether Gon even felt the same about him and he didn’t even know how to go about asking or figuring it out.

Gon blinked at Killua for a few moments as they stood in their elevator side by side, he reached his hand out to gain Killua’s attention and when Killua responded how he wanted, he raised his other hand to cup his cheek. Killua tensed from head to toe, his eyes widening, as Gon hadn’t actually ever done that before and was this just him trying to comfort Killua or did it… Did it mean something?

“Killua--”

The elevator bell dinged, signaling the arrival at their new floor and they both stood frozen for a moment, as if realizing the outside world still existed and reared its ugly head to interrupt them.

“Gon-kun!” A shout came from outside the elevator doors and suddenly a figure rushed through the elevator doors and slammed into Gon’s body, the contact between the two boys severed. Killua took several steps back until his back hit the wall.

_What?!_

_What just happened?!_

_What almost happened? What was he going to say?!_

_Shitfuckshit, damnit!_

_Snap out of it, Killua!_

“I just heard about what happened at your fight last night, I’m sorry I didn’t show! But are you okay? Oh my god, you have an arm injury, let me look at it!” The figure that had burst through the elevator doors was in fact a petite woman with long blond hair, wearing blue overalls and a matching hat.

“Retz, it’s okay. I’m okay!” He put his uninjured hand up in defense and smiled guiltily at the girl.

“You didn’t call me after the fight, I was worried, you know?” She sighed, stepping away and holding the elevator doors open before they fully closed, “Come on, we can’t--” She paused, finally noticing Killua in the corner of the small room and she gasped in surprise or fear, Killua did not know. “Oh my god!” She breathed, looking back and forth between Gon and Killua, she lifted a finger to point at Killua while staring at Gon. “Oh my god?! It’s him?!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So a LITTLE bit of angst here. Next chapter is the spar!

“Hey, Gon-kun. You could tell me, Gon-kun. I wouldn’t tell Omakage!”

Killua could hear the blond haired girl pressure Gon for something in their new kitchen while he was in the living room unpacking with Alluka.

“There’s nothing to tell!” Gon sounded petulant, lowering his voice mid-sentence so as to not alert anyone.

“Really? Nothing? Looked like more than nothing in that elevator, hmm?” Retz cackled-no, she really cackled-and shook her head at Gon.

“Nee, onii-chan, who is that?” Alluka asked, unwrapping newspaper clinging to a picture frame next to her older brother.

“A friend of Gon’s. Her name’s Retz.”

_A friend who apparently knows all about me…_

Killua kept thinking back to the way the blond girl looked at him in the elevator. He was used to receiving recognition for his last name but this time it was not the case. Gon apparently hadn’t shut up about Killua since the girl knew him.

_I’m not even sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing..._

He looked over to his sister and watched her eyes narrow. “What’s going on in that head of yours, my sweet baby sister?”

“I’m trying to determine whether or not she’s a threat.”

“What?”

_There’s no Nen._

_She certainly doesn’t look threatening, she’s not even very tall.. Her arms are like limp noodles._

_Does she even lift!?_

“Onii-chan, she could very well be harboring feelings for Gon-kun! I’ve seen the Notebook, I know what this is!” Alluka insisted in a shrill voice.

_The.. What the fuck?_

_Alluka is goddamn certifiable right now._

“Are you aware of the fact that this is my actual life and not TV drama?” Killua was slightly annoyed and embarrassed at the fact that his younger sister was trying to push his best friend towards him because she psychically knew he harbored feelings for him. _Psychically,_ _as he still had not verbally confirmed said feelings._ _._

“Where do you think TV Drama’s get their ideas from?” She looked at him as if he were an idiot, as if something should be so obvious to him.

“Meddling will give you pimples. Oh, look, I already see one right there.” He pointed to her completely smooth forehead, knowing it would cause her grief. She gasped, pulling back and immediately ran around their new apartment searching for the bathroom before failing and running straight to Gon.

“Gon-kun, am I breaking out?! Don’t lie to spare my feelings, tell me the truth! Am I a pizza face?!” His sister was near in tears and Killua snorted in the corner of the living room, he felt slightly, very very slightly guilty but it at least got Alluka to stop talking to him about Gon.

“Alluka-chan, you have the clearest skin I’ve ever seen!” Gon smiled, reassuring her and patted her head.

_Tch! Pushover!_

Alluka growled and turned to yell at her brother’s back. “Nee, onii-chan! That was dirty!”

Killua couldn’t contain his mirth at hearing his sister’s cross tone and used his hand to cover his mouth while he laughed, shoulder’s shaking. _Guess she doesn’t like the taste of her own medicine.._

“Gon, don’t you think Killua’s a little cute?” Retz asked not so quietly and elbowed Gon in his uninjured arm. Killua tensed, his laughter immediately ceasing and his face turning a deep shade of red. He was glad his back was turned to the 3 people in the kitchen.

“Stay away from my onii-chan!” Alluka yelled and Killua heard shuffling before someone let out a war cry.

“Alluka-chan, no!” Gon yelled worriedly and Killua turned to find Gon with his uninjured arm wrapped around Alluka while she tried to lunge at the blond haired girl who stood frozen with a terrified expression. Gon winced near imperceptibly as Alluka struggled against him but Killua caught it.

“Alluka.” Killua said with a tone that stopped everyone from moving, a deep and unwavering tone that made Alluka’s blood run cold. “What are you doing? Did you forget Gon was injured while you elbowed him in the ribs?” His voice was quiet, stern.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! You can let me down now, I won’t do anything, I promise!” Alluka looked up to Gon with blue eyes so familiar, he put her down without a word, breathing a little easier without her weight against his injury. Alluka’s eyes sought her brother out and she looked down when she met his piercing blue gaze, her thumb going to her mouth. “I’m sorry, onii-chan.”

“I’m okay, it’s okay Killua. Don’t be angry with her.” Gon came to Alluka’s defense and the girl moved, running to her brother and wrapping her arms around him.

“Don’t be mad at me, I hate when you’re mad at me onii-chan!” She cried and clung to him, Killua sighed and wrapped his arms around his little sister.

“Why are you trying to attack someone you don’t even know?” He inquired, quietly.

“I-I-I--” Alluka hiccoughed and sputtered.

Killua sighed, knowing he wasn’t likely to get much from his sister in her current state. He unwrapped his arms from around her and she allowed her arms to slip off, catching her hand in his at the last moment as he led her—very successfully—to their new bathroom. This current floor room was set identical to the previous and Killua was grateful. He sat Alluka down on their toilet and raised her chin, blue meeting blue. “It really breaks my heart when you cry.” He was glad they had stocked the bathroom already as he went into a cabinet to retrieve a washcloth and turned on the sink to add a bit of hot water to dampen the towel. He quickly rung it out to ensure it wasn’t too wet or hot and then bent down to eye level with his sister, gently washing her face starting with both sides of her forehead then underneath her eyes, her cheeks, jaw and then nose where he pinched to rid of her of any leftover snot. “What’s going on, Alluka?” He asked, voice tinged with worry and gaze softened.

“N-nothing! I just--” Alluka closed her eyes, hands balling into fists as she declared her next words “Onii-chan, you and Gon belong together! I see the way you look at him and the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention!"

_The way.._

_**He** looks at **me**?_

“You’re both just so--”

“Alluka.” Killua’s voice came out soft, Alluka sighed knowing her brother still wasn’t happy with her and opened her eyes to face him. “I need you to stop this. Whatever obsession you have, whatever illusion you’re under about me and Gon—I need you to stay out. This isn’t TV or a game.” He laid his forehead against hers and they both closed their eyes. “Besides, there’s a reason I’m the _big_ brother and you’re the _little_ sister.” He pulled away, hoping he hadn’t hurt her feelings to the point where she’d cry, again. But whatever was going— _or not going—_ on between the two best friends was none of her business, yet Alluka was taking it upon herself to do or say things as she wished and he had to put a stop to it.

“That usually happens when siblings are born in different years.” Alluka snarked, knowing her older brother’s previous ire faded and Killua narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t get cheeky with me.” He said in an amused tone, a small smirk tugging at the ends of his lips. “I’m not angry with you and I don’t want or need an apology. However, there’s two people out there who do. Gon is our friend who has been kind to us, he gave us a place to stay and Retz is his house guest—our house guest who has been nothing but kind to you and you tried to hurt her, Alluka. So I need you to march straight out there and admit your mistakes, admit your mistakes and then apologize to them by promising you’ll act differently—you’ll act kinder, _be_ kinder. A better friend, okay?” He held her eyes, needing her to understand, trying his best to be a good big brother and guide her. Not just a big brother but maybe even her father and mother combined, as well.

“Okay, onii-chan.” She nodded, blue eyes set in determination as she wrapped her long brown hair in a band she kept wrapped around her wrist, she set a ponytail high on her head and rose from her seat.

“Retz,--” Alluka bowed and continued in front of the blond who had found the strength to move again during their absence. “I’m sorry I tried to attack you and said mean things, it was extremely rude of me and I hope you can forgive me! In the future, I promise to be kinder, I promise to be a better friend!” Alluka yelled at the tiled floor below her and stayed silent, feeling nervous when Retz didn’t immediately reply, her thumb went between her teeth.

“Th-that’s okay, Alluka. Thank you, I uh I forgive you.” Retz was able to stutter out and her skin flushed. She smiled at the bowing girl.

Alluka smiled briefly and caught Gon’s eye, slipping past Retz and bowing again in front of him.

“Gon-kun, I’m sorry about hurting you! I was very careless and rude. You offered your home to me and onii-chan and I attacked your friend and then I hurt you, it was wrong of me! But! I promise in the future I’ll be a better house guest and I won’t mistreat anyone who comes inside and-and-and I will be an even greater friend to you!” Alluka panted, barely breathing between her rambling words, and Gon smiled.

“You don’t have to bow, Alluka-chan.” Gon pitied the young girl.

She stood to her full height.

“It’s okay. I forgive you and it’s all forgotten, okay?” Gon’s eyes were full of warmth, smile open and kind.

“Really?” Alluka asked tentatively.

“Mm!” Gon nodded.

Alluka smiled brightly and shed the guilt she felt, running over to Retz and whispering something in her ear that made her eyes widen and a smirk form on her face. The two girls giggled and ran off together, passing Killua leaning against the entryway with a peaceful expression on his face, eyes closed and hands resting behind his head.

“Wow! That happened quickly...” Gon’s brows furrowed, staring at the passing girls who looked thick as thieves.

“Alluka isn’t one to hold grudges for long. Well, sometimes.” Killua said and Gon turned to him with a strange look in his eyes.

Killua almost blushed under the scrutiny, trying to piece together everything that had happened in the past hour. The elevator. What Retz said and why.

“Nee. Killua is pretty amazing.” Gon gave an honest smile and Killua fidgeted, not knowing what exactly to say or do.

_The way he looks at me, Alluka said…_

_Could that mean…?_

“Onii-chan, we’re hungry!” Alluka was a whirlwind, crashing into him with a smiling Retz right behind her. “Can we take a break from unpacking?”

“Mm! Me and Killua could make sandwiches for everyone, since it’s easy and we can make a lot.” Gon replied to her with a smile on his face. Killua shrugged in reply and the boys got to work together, making several large sandwiches for themselves and then a few for the two young girls who were giggling in a corner.

“Alluka, come and eat. Sit at the table.” Killua called and both girls came over, taking their sandwiches and sitting down together as Gon and Killua followed. There was a hush over the group as they dug into their sandwiches, no one feeling the need to fill the silence for a few moments.

“So, Retz, how is it that you know Gon anyway?” Alluka licked her lips after finishing a bit of her turkey and cheese, to anyone else the question seemed innocent enough but there was a glint in Alluka’s eyes that told Killua there was something afoot.

“We met late last year, actually. He was dating my brother.” Retz smiled.

Gon froze.

Killua bit his tongue and tasted blood.

_No._

_It’s none of my business._

_He’s dated..? Well of course he has, it’s been 3 years!_

_Stop, it’s none of my business._

_Who is he? How serious was it?_

_None. Of my. Business._

_This is hypocritical of me, I’ve had my fair share of flings.._

_Damnit!_

“I mean, things obviously didn’t end well between them but I still like to stay Gon’s friend. He’s incredibly kind and honest. It’s why I knew so much about your brother when I saw him, Gon’s always talked about you, Killua. I was excited for him when I heard you two were meeting on his birthday—which reminds me, I have a gift to give you later, Gon.” She smiled kindly at Gon and the teenager did his best to smile back but there was a sudden tension in the room between Killua and Gon, they avoided eye contact entirely.

“Onii-chan was the same, you know! I mean, my onii-chan isn’t that big of a talker but he sure did moon over all those pictures Gon-kun sent him.” Alluka either could not sense the tension or did not care as she put Killua in the spotlight.

Gon’s cheeks held a slight blush as he smiled tentatively at the silver haired boy.

 _Oh_ , Killua thought to himself as he realized what was going on. _This is what they’re doing.._

_Both girls joined forces to meddle.To involve themselves in things that did not involve them, whatsoever._

He sighed in frustration knowing this moment was tainted no matter what intended for it to mean. And Killua would make it mean _nothing_.

“I’m stuffed, I’m gonna get back to unpacking. Alluka, as soon as you’re done I want you to do the same and then head to bed.” Killua tried not to reveal his frustration in his voice.

“Onii-chan, can Retz stay over?”

“We’re very busy tonight and we have plans early in the morning.” Killua lied, refusing to look anyone in the eye and cleaning up his area. Alluka wanted to protest, to ask again in a different way but she could tell her brother was upset and didn’t want to frustrate him any further, she stewed silently as she continued to eat her sandwich.

Gon looked back and forth between Killua and Alluka, feeling confused and seemingly left out of some kind of secret conversation. Killua went back to the living room, quickly unpacking and trying to create order out of disorder throughout the several boxes around him and conversation resumed at the table behind him though he paid it no mind.

A part of him wanted to think about his feelings for Gon and maybe even what Gon could quite possibly feel for him, if he was to understand Retz’s words and actions from earlier but another much larger part just didn’t want to think about it, at all. It was too exhausting, too frustrating, too… Scary.

_No more._

Alluka eventually joined him, waving a goodbye to Retz as Gon walked her out and the siblings worked seamlessly side by side, after a few hours of working all around their apartment and finding extra rooms in the large place for themselves, they finished unpacking and sighed in relief. _Finally!_

Killua walked Alluka to her room, leaning against the entrance of her doorway. “I’m sorry I was upset earlier, but I need you to understand that you’re not some matchmaker. This is my life and you’re my little sister, Gon is my best friend.”

“But he’s not just your best friend! And I don’t understand why you won’t just tell him how you feel.” Alluka voiced her annoyance and shook her head.

“Real life is never that easy.” Killua almost laughed.

“Retz said--”

“I don’t want to hear anything Retz said!” And Killua’s tone of voice left no room for further conversation about Alluka’s new friend. He didn’t necessarily dislike Retz after this night but he certainly didn’t have a good first impression of her.

Alluka looked down, biting her thumb while her free hand gripped the fabric of her purple dress tightly. “I just want onii-chan to be happy.”

“Alluka.. I am happy.” His brows furrowed, forehead wrinkling as he tried to think of moments he showed to Alluka where he was unhappy and coming up empty.

“You are, now. But you weren’t before, I know you weren’t! Y-you must hate me onii-chan!” Alluka’s voice shook, full of emotion and her lip quivered as the young girl began to cry.

“W-what?! Alluka, where is this coming from, w-what are you saying?”

_How could she think that?_

_She means everything to me!_

“Don’t you? You and Gon were happy being together and then I showed up and I ruined everything! You risked your life for me, you’re always protecting me and keeping me safe, onii-chan gave up so much for me and I just want to give you something back!” Her voice cracked and broke under the strain of her emotions.

“Alluka, stop.” _What is she saying? What is she talking about!?_

“I know I can be a burden sometimes, onii-chan. I know I’m dramatic and I make mistakes, you’re always taking care of me and Nanika. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve--”

“You’re wrong!” Killua yelled, chest heaving as he felt like his heart was shattering. “Baby sister, you’re the one who saved me. Alluka, I love you, I have always loved you and that will never change, I will never stop. Don’t ever call yourself a burden, you’ve never been one. Alluka, you didn’t make me give up anything, I gained something when I found you. I was such a coward all those years ago for leaving you behind, I will always regret it. But ever since the day I saved you, I’ve been happy, more than happy. You’re my little sister but you’re also one of my best friends. I don’t know what I would do without you, now. I’m sorry if I yell too much or if I get angry too much, I just get so frustrated because I know you deserve more than I can give you but I never want to stop trying! You deserve to go to school and be a normal girl with normal friends and a big house with a loving family that consists of more than just one brother. Instead I’ve been bouncing you around from one hotel to the next, practically making it impossible for you to make any friends besides Leorio, isolating you and ensuring that I’m the closest person to you. I’m sorry.” Killa felt tears spring to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m doing Alluka. I want more for you, I want so much more I want the best things in the world for you and I don’t know if it’s at all possible.” He buried his face in her knees as he sobbed, body shaking as he let go of unspoken frustration.

His little sister was 14 but hadn’t gone to school a day in her life, she hadn’t made any lasting friendships because they never stayed anywhere long enough and Killua wanted to keep a near non-existent profile. If Killua was alone, this wouldn’t be a problem, but when he was trying to take care of another human being it was difficult to get everything right.

“You’re wrong.” He repeated through sobs, “I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you.”

Alluka held her brother, tightly as she shed her own tears, moved by her brother’s lament. She hadn’t known he felt so much pain though he hadn’t known she held so much insecurity either.

“Onii-chan, I made you a promise a long time ago and I still mean it. I don’t care if mom and dad don’t love me, I don’t care if I don’t have a million friends. Onii-chan has always been there for me, loved me no matter what and you brought me here with you. You never left me behind, you never thought about taking me back, we were always on the move because you didn’t want anyone to find me and take me away. Onii-chan, you gave me freedom.” Alluka smiled to herself, “And now I have Gon and Leorio and Retz. We have Palm and Morel and Knuckle! How could I have all these friends without onii-chan?”

Killua looked up to his sister with shining eyes and she wrapped her arms around him. “Maybe we’re both wrong. Because we are deserving of each other and we’re just being stubborn.” And Alluka finally understood why Killua couldn’t come out and tell Gon about the way he felt. Because speaking what was in your heart was hard and painful and who knows what the outcome could be in the end, especially when it was to someone who had your whole heart.

 

**X-X-X**

 

Killua woke the next morning to the wonderful smell of french toast wafting through the apartment and he followed it like a hound dog into the kitchen, he decided then and there that it was an incredibly _spectacular_ morning.

Because there was Gon. Wearing a pair of black boxer briefs that clung tightly to his thighs and accentuating, his, well.. _ass_ ets, a simple gray sleep shirt and Killua could even see a red apron wrapped around his waist.

_Holy.. Fucking.._

“Good morning, Killua!”

Said boy felt like a bucket of ice water was just poured over his head, his face turning a shade of red at thinking he was caught checking out his best friend’s backside.

“M-morning..” He mumbled, trying to act normal as possible. He turned on Gon’s coffee maker and began to put in coffee grinds to distract himself. “S-so, what are you making?”

“French toast!” Gon beamed, “I know Killua didn’t eat much last night and I remember Alluka saying she wanted to do this so I woke up early to make us all breakfast.”

_He’s cute as fuck in the morning and considerate??_

_Daaaaazzzled._

Killua willed the coffee to drip faster so he could at least distract himself with something in his hands or mouth.

“I’m sorry about Retz last night.” Gon spoke after a few moments of silence.

“O-oh uh, it’s in the past.” Killua waved a hand to show it was in fact behind him, he couldn’t think about it anymore. He swiveled to face Gon’s back, distracting both his thoughts and the boy. “Nee, when you think about it--” He had to stop himself from laughing before he could finish, “--did you see the way Alluka lunged at Retz? She was like—she was like this feral rabbit or something.” Killua guffawed as the image came into his mind of his 5 foot 14 year old sister with her stubby arms and scrunched up face. The teenage boy raised his arms and tried to re-create the image, laughter bubbled out of Gon as he stared at his wild best friend.

“I don’t know what Killua’s been feeding her, she’s so tiny! But man is that girl strong!” Gon continued the joke.

“It’s in the Zoldyck blood.” Killua flexed his arm, kissing his bicep and they broke whatever straight faces they had. The coffee maker beeped and Killua made a cup for himself as the boys made mindless chatter. It was comfortable. It was incredibly domestic.

Killua still had to resist the urge to kiss him, though. He wanted to. Badly. Walk up behind him, wrap his arms around Gon’s waist and lay a kiss to that open space between neck and shoulder.

_Still, if I could wake up to morning’s like this all the time…_

“What’s all this racket?” A yawning Alluka entered the kitchen and both boys turned to look at her.

“Good morning, little sister.”

“Morning, little rabbit! French toast?” Gon offered, angling his pan of fried toast at her.

“If you give me 3 pieces of french toast, I’ll forget about that ‘little rabbit’ comment, _gigantor._ ” Alluka tried to negotiate.

“Deal!”

“No.”

Gon and Killua spoke at the same time, Gon looked wide eyed at Killua while he glared.

“Tch! Why do I feel like I have to be the bad guy while you’re always the good guy?! I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t get cavities and you’re just spoiling her for the hell of it! This is borderline ass kissing!” Killua growled.

“Is Killua supposed to say that word in front of Alluka-chan?”

“I already know what ‘ass’ is.”

“Eh!?” Innocent, innocent Gon.

“I’m banning you from television for the rest of your life!” Definitely appalled Killua.

“Doesn’t Killua think that’s a little harsh?”

“Don’t start with me, damnit!”

 _Onii-chan, you really do worry for nothing_ _,_ Alluka thought to herself as she walked past the quarreling couple to sit at the table behind them. _They’re so cute together_ , she snickered into the palm of her hand as she watched them go back and forth.

 _Come out. I want to come out!_ Nanika inside Alluka begged and the girl smiled to herself.

_Nanika!_

Alluka gave over, lowering her head and taking a deep breathe, allowing Nanika to breathe out.

“Onii-chan!” Nanika called and Killua was at attention, recognizing after all this time that Nanika’s voice was a pitch higher than Alluka’s.

“Nanika! Hey, baby sister. Where have you been? You haven’t come out in a little while.” Killua spoke with an incredibly soft voice, knowing Nanika was more fragile than Alluka was. Before they began traveling the world together, Nanika had the habit of calling Killua by his name but he decided not much later that if he was Alluka’s protector, if he was Alluka’s onii-chan, then he was Nanika’s too. He insisted Nanika address him as such until enough time went by where it was second nature. “Nee, Nanika, do you remember Gon?” Killua grabbed Gon’s hand, leading him over to reunite with the girl who saved his life.

“Hi Nanika!” Gon beamed.

“Gon-kun! It’s so nice to see you, it’s been many years. How are you?” Nanika’s deep round dark eyes closed and Nanika smiled, bright against her incredibly sallow skin. Over the years while Alluka had learned at a rapid rate and traveled with Killua everywhere, Nanika watched from afar inside of Alluka. Never experiencing anything first hand, never speaking to anyone but Killua so her learning was a lot slower, conversational skills limited. Killua would allow Nanika to come out at night or on days when they weren’t out exploring and he felt guilt over that but he knew if anyone found out, there would be consequences, he did his best to educate the both of them. He created small learning games for Nanika and they would constantly practice them, the girl always hungry to learn and experience more.

“I’m wonderful thanks to you, Nanika. Nee, do you like french toast?” He turned away, rushing to retrieve utensils for her as he slid a piece onto a dish.

“Nee, Gon-kun, did you know french toast isn’t actually French? Romans had this centuries ago!” Nanika smiled, ready to stuff her face with the delicious dessert breakfast before Killua briefly stole the plate and cut the bread into pieces.

 _No crust, cut in_ _to_ _small squares_.

Nanika wasn’t a toddler but she also wasn’t so great with sharp objects, Killua’s hand trembled slightly as he remembered several years ago when Nanika appeared for dinner one night, nearly cutting her hand open with a knife. She wasn’t allowed to have sharp utensils after that.

“Heh, sorry about that. I’ve been teaching her, trying to go over more than just grammar, she actually asked to look that one up on her own. She just so happens to love french toast.” Killua explained, looking down at his finished work and smiling.

“Unh, I think that’s really cool to know. Nee, Nanika, what else do you know?” Gon asked, resting his chin in his hand as he gave Nanika his full attention. The girl paused, forked raised mid-way to her mouth as she blinked and then smiled brightly.

“Well, well, onii-chan taught me...” Nanika went on, the two boys beside her listening in rapt attention. And Alluka smiled deep inside, happy that she could give this moment to Nanika. A breakfast with their brother and his best friend, Nanika’s new friend. Our _new small family._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's really nothing but angst here, I'M SORRY! (Not really) ENJOY! P.S. Loads of cursing here, guys! Killua has a VERY foul mouth, sigh.

2 weeks passed in the blink of an eye, Gon was fully healed and ready to fight.

Killua wasn’t ready to let him. As they watched recordings of the new floor master’s matches, Killua was not comforted. Tetsuyuki was incredibly skilled, reminding him of their perverted clown enemy, his aura just seemed dark and every match they watched from the last few months alone showed him winning by murdering every single one of his opponents. His blood ran cold at the thought of Gon fighting this monster.

Tetsuyuki had the look of a calculated killer, Killua could see it-sense it. A calculated killer that genuinely enjoyed the killing, looked forward to it in fact but would play with his prey a little beforehand. And his Nen ability was nothing to rest easy about, either. He was incredibly skilled, incredibly powerful, Killua used Gyo and shivered when he saw Tetsuyuki’s aura as amorphous like Pitou’s. Tendrils that moved and swayed and paralyzed any who came near.

Killua swallowed hard, gritting his teeth as he realized he had to stop Gon from fighting this murderer. He would torture Gon for the fucking fun of it and he couldn’t let that happen, he wouldn’t watch it happen. No, Tetsuyuki would never go near Gon. He wouldn’t lose this spar against Gon, he couldn’t.

“Is Killua okay?” Gon asked with wide eyes as he stared at Killua’s form in their living room.

“I’m fine, why do you ask?” Killua lied smoothly.

“Killua is—Killua is crackling!” Gon yelled and Killua blinked before he understood what Gon said, his aura was in fact crackling all around him. Electricity surging and he felt the hair on his head standing on edge at it’s highest peak, could feel the raw energy through him.

 _Shit, I lost control of it again._ He closed his eyes, breathing deeply and felt the moment the electricity faded, almost like he took off a suit that covered him head to toe.

“Will Killua tell me what’s wrong?” Gon asked, coming around and sitting so close to Killua that if he moved his thigh just a little-a small, near imperceptible move, he would be touching Gon. He didn’t.

He couldn’t ask Gon not to fight Tetsuyuki, they had both agreed and made a deal, there was no way he could go back on it. He would have to win against Gon, though he idly wondered how far he would have to go. Would he have to severely injure Gon? Could he even do that, hurt his own best friend?

He could, he realized in that moment. He could hurt Gon and not think twice about it with his skill but _would_ he? Would he be pushed that far?

“Killua..?” Gon was the one that shifted, moving closer and touching from thigh to knee with the boy, his face inches away. Killua shook his head, warning himself he needed to stop and move away. Gon was close, so so fucking deliciously close, Killua could feel his hot breath on his face.

_His breath is hot, his hands were warm, his thigh is like a fucking heater goddamnit GODDAMNIT!_

“I’m fine.” He repeated, abruptly standing and walking away, rubbing his palm over his face. “I’m thinking about how hard I’m gonna kick your ass in a few days.” He sighed and could hear Gon’s deep laugh booming behind him.

**X-X-X**

“Is Killua afraid?”

“Yeah. For you. You should see my Hatsu now, what I showed you was nothing!”

“Give me all you’ve got!”

The day had come for the two boys to spar and both had more than just pride on the line for this battle. The boys had found an isolated spot not too far from the city, abandoned buildings littering the blocks.

They smirked at each other, eyes gleaming and feeling more in sync than ever, they leaped towards each other lost in a flurry of rushing arms and legs.

_I’m baiting the idiot and he doesn’t even know it! Left elbow, 80%, if I leave my right open he’ll—HA! Baka!_

Gon swung, aiming for Killua’s open right side, and Killua took this chance to get Gon with a left hook, dodging Gon’s own fist with ease. Gon slid a few feet away, feeling his lower lip begin to bleed and smirked.

“You did that on purpose.” Gon’s voice was low, accusatory but filled with excitement, he loved to fight more than he admitted and Killua knew it.

“It’s not my fault you’re an idiot who falls for cheap tricks.” Killua smirked, feeling incredibly smug that he was still a little better than Gon even after years apart.

“Quit playing games. Show me your Nen, you big talker!”

“Show you mine if you show me yours.” Killua quipped. And the boys were off again, sparring in hand to hand combat running around the empty blocks with lightning fast speed. Gon was infighting, trying to push Killua into a corner so as to take away his means of escape but he didn’t know what Killua had up his sleeve. Killua had his arms up in defense against Gon’s punches while secretly generating a mass of electricity behind his closed fists, all he had to do was dodge a single punch and maneuver himself to either of Gon’s unprotected sides.

_You really want to see, Gon? I’ll show you._

“Lightning palm!” He called out his power, quickly dipping to dodge Gon’s predictable throws and turned his hands, pushing the blue orb into Gon’s rib cage. Gon’s body shook, the electricity coursing through his body and making him feel almost completely numb, he fell slack to the floor and recovered in seconds though he continued to lay in the street.

“A-amazing.” He panted, “Killua is amazing, what was that!?” He raised his head, eyes shining as he took in his skilled best friend.

Killua shrugged, “A little something I’ve been cultivating with travel these past few years.”

_I can do much more than that.._

“Well, you know what they say...” Gon trailed off, enticing Killua and his attention, _he’s probably hoping I compliment him some more… My flaw may be my simplicity but Killua’s is his ego,_ Gon thought. And he was right, Killua lowered his guard for a second but a second was already too much time and Gon had already put his plan into play. _Killua may have gotten stronger but so have I!_ “Don’t let your ego go to your head!” And this time, Gon was smirking.

Killua was wide eyed, knowing he missed an important factor when he felt something coming straight for him from behind but he was already too late, 3 missile shaped yellow auras came straight for him and swung straight for his chin. The silver haired teenager flew several feet in the air, landing harshly several times in the street before finding his proper footing and sliding to a stop in a crouch.

_When was he able to do that? What did I miss!? Damn, that hurt, I bit my tongue!_

“While you were busy letting me rest, I took the opportunity to make my move.” Gon was on his feet now, several meters away from Killua. Gon raised two fingers and was able to conjure two of the same yellow missiles Killua previously saw coming for him, he flicked both fingers and they headed straight for Killua though he easily dodged, perching himself inside the broken window of a building like a cat.

“Oi, what’d you name these?” Killua asked with excitement in his voice, _Gon is stronger with hand to hand combat and those missiles are pretty damn cool, I remember he used them on Nobu._

“Y-yellow missiles!” Gon stuttered, knowing Killua would likely insult his lack of ingenuity in the name.

“Baka! Do you even try!?” Killua had already thought of 3 different cool names Gon could have given his power, _oh well._ He got his head in the game, determined not to lost this fight. It could be the difference between life or death and he was currently too caught up in the fun in it. He jumped back down, staying several feet away from Gon as he readied a new attack, his Hatsu concentrated solely on his arms as he knew this may convince Gon he would go straight for him and electrocute him again—but this wasn’t Killua’s plan. “Gon, you can give up now. It’s not too late, you aren’t hurt too bad.” He was teasing but he wasn’t—Killua was prepared to go all the way.

“Does Killua really think I’d ever back down?”

“One could hope..” Killua muttered under his breath and took a deep breath before dropping his hands flat against the granite street, he focused his energy quickly and it bent to his will. The street between him and Gon began to shoot out, standing into pillars several feet high at a rapid rate, heading straight for Gon. “Shock wave!” Killua called out.

Killua was glad Gon was too distracted with how incredible his ability was, he didn’t notice paint lined street headed for his chin before it was too late and he was launched several feet into the air before landing hard on his hands and knees.

“K-Killua!” Gon smiled bright, panting from exertion, he laughed completely blown away with how amazing his best friend was.

Killua launched himself at Gon, using his Godspeed and was in front of Gon before he had the chance to blink. He knocked his fist into Gon’s cheek, making sure not to use his actual strength so as to actually hurt him. Gon hit the street hard and rolled over several times, on his feet in a flash and excited to fight again. Their constant hand to hand combat proved futile, both growing accustomed to each other’s fighting techniques and unable to land blows against each other. Killua swung with his right while Gon met him with his left in a battle of defense and defense.

Killua was growing impatient. He needed to end this. Now.

He dashed back several yards, deciding he had to use the one ability he wasn’t keen on since it was barely developing and he barely had any control. But experiments were always his favorite part when it came to finding his abilities anyway.

He increased the amount of aura he was using, the electricity surging feet away from him with the amount of energy he was about to expend. He concentrated, hard, listening as the electricity around him pulsed loudly. And suddenly dark clouds littered the sky miles from where Killua stood, roaring thunder came in loud and quick and Killua did his best to focus and remain on his two feet as he felt his energy draining. A lightning bolt struck the ground between himself and Gon.

“Nee, K-Killua wha—AAH!” Gon barely dodged in time as lightning struck in the very spot he stood, a black ash mark left in the street. He turned to Killua with wide eyes as he understood that his best friend _literally created a storm_.

Killua cringed, thinking that bolt was strong enough to seriously hurt Gon. He would have to miss Gon on purpose or quickly get a grasp on the strength and intensity of the bolts.

Gon moved, thinking that dodging Killua’s bolt’s would be pointless—no, he had to go to the source. He made a run for it, each foot he put down was also met with a bolt of lightning a few steps ahead, warning him not to come closer. He didn’t care, his goal was the boy charging in electricity who had the ability to turn the brightest days dark. Gon, for a moment, felt spectacular pride and awe. He was excited.

Killua growled, Gon a few feet away from him, he concentrated every ounce of energy and focus he had on controlling the lightning bolts. He felt them coming down like string from his fingertips, Killua created a line of lightning like bars in a prison that separated him and Gon, knowing the only way through the crackle was through the wall of lightning he put up.

_No way Gon would go through that._

Killua broke out into a sweat, knowing he was draining himself but unwilling to stop.

Gon flicked his wrists, putting his hands up palm side facing Killua and began to shoot a hail of yellow balls of energy. He continuously shot them out and as they neared the electric forcefield, they split and split and then split again to weaken Killua’s Nen.

Gon hunched over, focusing his energy and charging up his ultimate attack. “Sai sho guu..” He muttered, the sun like ball expanded and Gon felt the energy drain away from him. “Jan... Ken... Guu!” He yelled and opened his hands, aiming it straight for Killua as the powerful orb flew at a rapid rate and hit before he realized what was happening. The orb clashed with Killua’s forcefield, a blindingly bright collision with the sound impact of a bomb going off and Killua grit his teeth, feeling the heat of Gon’s power on his neck.

_There’s no way I can stop this!_

Gon’s Jajanken violently tore through Killua’s electric field and enveloped the boy, he flew several feet and slammed into and through an old, decrepit building. The force and impact making his head feel like it might explode. All sound and movement ceased.

The clouds immediately evaporated, thunder and lightning disappeared and the sun shined brightly overhead.

“Killua? Killua, are you there? Are you okay?” Gon’s frantic voice grew closer and Killua looked up from the dark infrastructure of the building to outside where Gon was running full speed toward him.

_Fuck…_

Killua tested his limbs, flexing his fingers and toes, wiggling his legs and his arms. He hadn’t broken anything but he was definitely in some pain, he felt a headache coming on and he felt exhausted. He sighed, peeling himself from the rubble and coming out to meet Gon in the sunlight.

“Yeah, I-I’m okay..” He breathed deep, stretching his limbs and knowing he’ll have sore arms and bruises tomorrow, a few scratches most likely. “You held back.” Killua sighed, knowing Gon’s full power could have killed him.

“I-I would never hurt Killua, besides you did the same.” Gon said with furrowed brows and a frown on his face as he looked at his best friend. Killua blinked and then turned away as he began to realize their current predicament.

_I lost._

_I._

_Lost._

Killua grit his teeth, hands balling into fists as he walked alongside Gon who for once wasn’t the biggest chatterbox in all of Heaven’s Arena.

_Goddamnit. Goddamnit! He can’t fight, he can’t do this, I can’t let him. Fuck! Why do I always do this? I’m always cleaning up his damn messes, since we were kids… I thought years apart would change things, have they, really? Have they at all? He can’t fight. He’s not fighting._

He repeated the last few words to himself over and over as they made their way back to their shared apartment, Killua was sure at that point that his palms were bloodied from the digging of his fingernails. His heart ached, his head was going a thousand miles a minute, he didn’t know how to stop Gon but he would. He would figure it out because Gon couldn’t do this, again. Couldn’t sacrifice his life for the sake of a stupid fight.

“Gon.” He grudgingly spat out, pausing in Gon’s bedroom doorway as he had blindly followed. “Don’t fight. I know I made you a deal but don’t fight, Gon. Please. Tetsuyuki is stronger than you, he takes no one alive, do you get that? In that ridiculously spiky haired head of yours, do you get that you could die in this arena?!” He wanted to approach Gon calmly but dealing with this, still… It was Pitou all over.

_No. No, fuck that!_

“Killua’s the one who said--"

“I know what I fucking said, goddamnit! I know! But I don’t care, screw all of it! Gon, you’re not fighting, you can’t! I’m sick and tired of this--” He panted, losing himself over to the weight he carried for years, “--your constant lack of consideration, your selfishness! I saved your life, I gave you a second chance and this is what you want to spend it doing?! You love the fight this much? That you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for whatever shitty reasons you have in your head, have you no consideration for your own life!? How can you do this—how can you be this way, you practically died once! And do you know what that was like? Do you have any idea the amount of fucking pain—I carried you! I carried your dead fucking body for miles, Gon! Begging, pleading for someone to come and save us! To save you…” And Killua remembered how heavy Gon felt in his arms, the way his long hair had dragged against the dirt floor and caught every rock in sight, could still smell the blood dripping a trail from Gon’s missing arm. He shuddered. “I told myself I would never clean another mess up for you, again. I told myself I forgave you and I could walk away stronger.” He couldn’t stop himself from speaking, from walking towards a slightly opened mouth but fully wide eyed Gon who never heard Killua talk so much before. “But you’re an idiot, you’re a fucking idiot! You’re throwing everything away for the sake of the fight, did you not promise to do things differently!? God, I was fucking deluded, I shouldn’t have believed you! A normal life? _Gon_ wants a _normal_ life?! Don’t make me fucking laugh.” But he did, Killua did laugh, feeling as if he lost all control.

_Who am I kidding? With Gon, control never existed._

“I wanted to die with you that day. When you went against Pitou I was prepared to die with you, I wanted it. I didn’t think a ‘me’ existed without you for so long. But I found purpose, I did, I freed Alluka and Nanika, we traveled the world over. We traveled the world and I met so many incredible people, saw amazing things but nothing—nothing ever felt like you. No one was ever like you, no matter who I spoke to or who I kissed, no one got the memory of you out of my head!” Killua raised his hands to cup Gon’s face and bring them closer, his eyes flickering between Gon’s lips and Gon’s eyes. “You invade me, you know that? You settle deep inside me and you make a home there for yourself, you make sure I never forget you. Sometimes I wish to. It would be easier to be in love with someone who wasn’t hell bent on constantly killing themselves for the fucking thrill of it!” Killua seethed, not caring he just admitted to his best friend that he was in love with him. Exorcising the anger and pain and resentment he thought he let go of, but didn’t realize he simply buried.

“Killua..."

Killua should have stopped while he was ahead, he should have kept quiet and listened or let up on someone he claimed to have loved but he didn’t. The voice calling his name only furthering his ire. His hands pushed, brain and heart at odds, he pushed Gon away and they both stumbled a few steps back before Killua turned on him, again.

"What!? What could you possibly say--apologize and promise to do things differently next time? Fuck you, Gon! Fuck you, how dare you! How dare you think about a next time, godd--"

"I know that! Stop screaming at me, I'm sorry! Killua, I'm sorry I don't know what to do to make you trust me, again! I know you don't forgive me, I don't even forgive me! I live with what I did every single day, but how do I fix things?!” Gon yelled, chest heaving and eyes shining with unshed tears and for once Killua was speechless, truly speechless. “I don't know and I hate myself! Killua, I hate myself so much! Everyone treated me differently, after what happened. Like-like I was a bomb waiting to go off again and maybe I am..But you think it was hard to _watch_ me? _Watching, is all you did?!_ Did you know I was awake in the hospital? I was conscious but I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't even tell myself to breathe, there was just darkness and voices all around me I was so scared, Killua! It's my fault, everything that happened was my own fault! I was selfish and cruel! I know that, too! And maybe.. Maybe this is my punishment! I-I lied to Killua...” Gon swallowed loudly, tears running freely. “I haven't seen Ging in months, he's off on his latest wild adventure and I stayed here. Mito-san has only come one time and when she did I--we--I wasn't very kind to her! I can't face anyone, anymore! I'm a coward! I'm here because I'm too afraid to go home! So I understand, I understand why Killua hates me because I hate me, too!" Gon sobbed, legs failing him as he fell to the floor in a heap and Killua wasn’t even sure what to do, wasn’t even sure if his anger existed anymore at that point because hearing what Gon said was like someone ripped his damn heart out stomped on it.

Killua froze, watching as the boy he loved broke down in front of him. _No_. Who was this teenager? Not Gon.. No.. Not joyful-always-smiling-always-optimistic-always-strong Gon. Who was this!?

He moved one foot forward and then the other, repeating the same movements over again until he was standing over Gon’s huddled and shaking form, Killua’s knees buckled and he fell beside his dark haired best friend and knew he could do nothing, say nothing to ease his pain. Pain he didn’t even know existed until it was screamed at him.

_Did I do this?_

_Oh, god… Gon.._

He bit down harshly on his lower lip and wrapped his arms around his best friend, holding him so hard against himself that he was sure he could have been hurting him but Gon made no move to push him away and even if he did, there was no way Killua would let go.

He wanted to tell Gon _I’m sorry._ He wanted to say _I love you_ over and over again _._ He wanted to remind Gon like he had before _I’m here, I’m here._

But he knew words couldn’t heal this kind of pain, Gon was harboring a wound that had festered, a wound that was infected and only grew with no one to treat it, not even Gon himself. So Killua was the arms, shoulders and chest Gon desperately needed to rely on.

Killua felt like a rock was switched out for his heart, a heavy lump set in his chest. Leaning over Gon’s shivering body Killua slowly began to realize that yes, he had experienced pain and suffering from the one person he gave his entire heart to on a silver platter—but he wasn’t alone. Gon carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and had been hurting all of these years, too. Was Killua the selfish one for not realizing it? For not pressing? Was he selfish in not even asking how Gon got through it? Gon was always smiling, always laughing.

Was it Killua’s fault for not seeing the pain within those deep brown eyes?

_No._

_No, it wasn’t._

Killua was just as afraid to let go of his pain as Gon was. Because it meant there was a long road ahead for both of them to forgive themselves and each other. It didn’t change what was in Killua’s heart, he truly did love Gon more than his words could ever express but he was also angry and it painted itself over on days like today. He hadn’t truly forgiven Gon before, he realized.

But he wanted to start now.

“Gon?” Killua whispered, realizing that Gon’s sobs had lessened and the boy had quieted, shivering stopped. The only sound was the occasional deep sigh and sniffle. Gon raised his head from Killua’s shoulder, red eyes gleaming and face wet. Killua’s eyes softened, brows furrowing and forehead wrinkling as he felt pained looking at a broken Gon. He couldn’t stop himself from moving forward, placing soft and sweet kisses on Gon’s face; his forehead, one on each eyelid, the tip of his nose, the apples of his cheeks, his jawline. He pulled back, resting his forehead against Gon’s and honey brown bore into ocean blue.

“I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you, Gon I-I love you. And not just as a best friend, though I’ve always loved you as that.” He shook his head against Gon’s, silver hair twisting. “No, I mean I want to kiss you in the mornings and hold you at night, I want to wake up to you cooking me french toast in that damn god-awful red apron forever, when that darkness seeps into your soul I want to take it away, when you can’t smile I want to give you reasons to. When you need a place to call home, I want that place to be the crook of my neck and the warmth my arms can give you.” Killua sighed, taking Gon’s hand in his and intertwining their fingers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t ask, I’m sorry I haven’t been there, I’m sorry I didn’t forgive you when I said I did but I’m forgiving you now and I need you to believe me, Gon. I want to make this work this time, I don’t want there to be secrets between us, they only hurt us in the end. I love you. A-and I’m not saying this because I want you to say it back I’m saying it because I need you to know, I love you, I’m _in love_ with you. If you can’t say it back, I won’t be angry, I can wait. I can wait until you can.” Killua put his soul on the line and he wondered j _ust how far_ _could he_ _reach Gon’s._

“Killua!” Gon cried and wrapped his arms around Killua’s shoulders, burying his face into his neck and Killua pulled him further in, placing Gon in his lap and held him around his waist making good on his words earlier. _Crook of my neck, warmth of my arms._ “I-I can’t-I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve this! I can’t--” Gon stuttered, his eyes stinging again as he felt tears prickle.

“Don’t. Don’t ever say that.” Killua squeezed Gon against him for a moment, placing a kiss on his shoulder. “Besides, that’s not going to stop me from loving you. I can be stubborn, too.” He tried to lighten the mood. Gon pulled back from Killua, moving to cup Killua’s face, he could see Gon’s eyes quickly flash several times from Killua’s eyes to his lips and he slowly leaned in towards Gon. Slowly. Ever so goddamn slowly, it felt like years before they were so close he was inhaling Gon’s breath.

“Kill--”

“Gon..”

Their names were mere whispers as their lips finally met. It began soft, slow, Killua treating Gon like the most fragile porcelain doll but once Killua got a true taste, the feel of Gon’s lips, he wanted more. He leaned forward, forgetting their precarious seating positions and both boys fell over to Gon’s bedroom carpet, Killua holding himself up between Gon’s legs with his hands that were caging Gon inside. The boys let out small laughs before Killua leaned back down, balancing himself on one arm as he used the hand on his other to lightly wrap around the side of Gon’s neck, holding him in place.

_Fuckfuckfuck!_

_Goddamn his lips!_

The boys only separated when the need for air became absolutely necessary and then when they realized kissing on carpet wasn’t entirely comfortable, they moved to Gon’s bed after that. For once, Killua was glad Alluka was not around, opting to spend the day and night over at Retz’s home. He took advantage of the rest of the night in Gon’s bed, both boys spending hours kissing, laughing, touching.. _Forgiving._

Killua was half asleep, trying to keep up with the kisses Gon kept giving when Gon hummed quietly, whispering words Killua couldn’t be sure were a dream or reality.

“Killua.” The dream/real voice sang, nuzzling him in an eskimo kiss. “I’ll make it up to Killua. I’ll make you believe me, I’ll make you trust me, again.

_I love you, Killua.”_


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This one's a pretty decent chapter with its nice moments, we're getting down to the wire, the final few chapters before SHIT HITS THE FAN! Anyway, enjoy ALSO if anyone wants to chat about the fic or just say HI you can totally go here: http://lazypotatoe.tumblr.com/ SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER <3

Gon woke beside Killua, lost in a sea of limbs, arms and legs intertwined. His head buried in Killua's chest.

_Killua..._

He gazed at his once lost soul mate and blushed, _Killua is so…_ _Beautiful._ His lips were still swollen from late night kissing, skin that delicious creme color and hair so fluffy and messy, Gon wondered if he could hide in it one day.

He couldn’t resist touching Killua. Making up for lost time, he justified to himself as he traced Killua's jaw, then his bottom lip. Killua stirred, Gon pausing with his hand but nothing further happened on Killua's part and Gon chuckled, pushing further. He decided he wanted Killua's attention, he wanted Killua awake and planting sloppy Good Morning kisses all over him, hands roaming. So he began his sweet wake up call.

Gon showered Killua in kisses all over his face, even nuzzling noses as Eskimo kisses. "Killua..." Gon sang in a soft voice, "Killua, Killua, Killua." He giggled in Killua's ear, placing a kiss underneath his jaw and then several pecks to his lips. “Come on, Killua! Wake up!”

Killua groaned and turned away from Gon, lying on his back but the spiky haired boy was not discouraged. He placed his legs on either side of Killua's hips and laid himself down on his chest. "Killuaaa..!" He began moving side to side, hoping to shake the boy below him awake. He placed two long kisses on Killua's lips and finally the teenager began to stir.

"It's too early for this, stink breath." He joked but Gon immediately pulled back, hand over his mouth.

_Does Killua really think I smell that bad..?_

The jarring movement woke Killua further, he blinked his tired eyes and was bothered by the loss of warmth. "Gon, what are you doing?"

"D-does.. Is it really-- I'll go brush my teeth.."

Killua reached out quickly, hand wrapping around Gon's to stop him from moving another inch. "No, I have something better you can do." He replied in a still full of sleep tone, he pulled Gon's body back down toward his and then rolled over, Gon now being the one pinned below him. Killua rested his head on Gon's chest and nuzzled him, breathing a sigh of relief. "Ah, this is much better.."

"Ki-Killua, what--?"

"Shhh! Sleep. Few more minutes." He wrapped his arms around Gon and was back to sleep within moments. Gon smiled, wide and toothy and decided he liked the added weight of Killua on top of him, he closed his eyes, joining Killua for just a few more _minutes_.

When Gon woke again it was to loud noise—not just loud noise but loud voices, arguing.

“Okay but that’s stupid! Why would she jump back in the water for the shark to eat her!?”

“Onii-chan, it’s only a movie..”

“Yeah! A stupid one at that!”

“You are literally ruining the entire thing for me, I am about to suffocate you with your own pillow.”

“Why don’t—SEE? She just got eaten by that shark! She deserved it, hey lady you deserved that!”

“This is why I never like to watch movies with you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m a fine movie viewer.”

“You’re that person people kick out of movie theaters, onii-chan. Remember that one time--”

“Exactly! One! Time!”

“Because I was so embarrassed we never went back to another movie theater again!”

“Shut up and eat your cereal.”

Gon began to giggle, shoulders shaking as he blearily blinked his eyes open, thinking listening to the Zoldyck siblings argue over a film was definitely on his Top 10 List of Things to Wake Up To. Make no mistake, he _definitely_ had one.

“Onii-chan look at what you did! Gon-kun was trying sleep!” Alluka chastised, leaning over her brother to watch a sleepy Gon awaken.

His position had changed from the first time he woke up, instead of Killua lying on top of his chest, Gon was lying on his side with an arm wrapped around Killua’s waist as the former was sitting up against the headboard of his bed, legs out and a cross legged Alluka sitting beside him, long dark hair pushed back with a headband.

Killua blinked, directing his attention to the sleepy boy beside him and he smiled. He had his arm wrapped around Gon’s shoulders and raised it to caress his cheek, a faint blush settling over him. “Hey you. Good morning.” He greeted with an incredibly soft tone and Gon couldn’t hide how big his smile was.

“Hi, Gon! I’m sorry we woke you up, my onii-chan has such a big mouth sometimes.” Alluka sighed loudly and shook her head in faux disappointment. Her brother groaned, raising his hand to pinch her cheek.

“You’re such a pain, Alluka!” Killua joked and his sister whined and struggled in his grasp for a moment before slipping out and sticking her tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes and turned back toward Gon. “Are you hungry? It’s pretty late in the day, actually. I-I can’t make a buffet of food like you can b-but I’m really good at making a bowl of cereal?” Killua cheeks warmed slightly as he offered his services to the dark haired boy lying down beside him.

Gon stretched, yawning before pulling himself up into a sitting position, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I can make you guys someth--”

“No, we just raided the pantry for cereal, we’re fine.” Killua chuckled, recalling the several boxes of chocolate cereal he combined into a large bowl for himself.

“Honey Nut Cheerios.” Alluka smiled at Gon with a bowl in hand.

Gon swallowed a lump in his throat, a part of him was used to being alone in his apartment, always having to make his own meals and suddenly there were two people who lived with him and offered to make him breakfast in the morning? _I’m not going to cry_ , he told himself. _It’s just a bowl of cereal!_ His heart felt heavy, full. A small gesture like this shouldn’t have meant so much but it did. Gon found the strength to nod at the boy he loved, seeing the sun when Killua smiled and rushed out of bed and out into the hallway just to get him a bowl of cereal, Gon couldn’t help but stare long after his figure disappeared.

“Gon-kun?” Alluka called beside him on the bed and he turned back to her, eyebrows raised in question. “You and my brother are okay now, right?” A voice full of trepidation, fingers scrunching in a pretty yellow dress.

“Y-yeah? I mean, I think so?” His brows furrowed. _Were they? After yesterday.. But what did yesterday even mean?_ _They laid their souls to bare, the pain and anger and emptiness within them both but nothing had been magically fixed? Some things take time and this certainly would._ Gon knew he would have to prove himself to the silver haired boy but that was okay, he would no matter what.

“Good!” A chirping voice interrupted his thoughts and his eyes narrowed in confusion. “I know you and onii-chan belong together and I’m happy you’re together and everything’s okay, I am! I love you, Gon-kun--!”

Gon laughed, a smile back on his face “I love you, too Alluka-chan.”

“ _But--_ ” She emphasized. “Gon-kun, if you… If you ever hurt onii-chan, again. The way he was before--” Alluka bit down on her thumb for a moment before removing it from between her teeth. “I-I’ll take him away, again. And you won’t-you won’t see him.” Her eyes held sadness but Gon understood she was serious, that her sadness is what made her words so resolute in their finality. If he ever did hurt Killua, she truly would take him away, very far away.

Gon looked away, ashamed to look the sweet girl in her eyes. He couldn’t blame her, he had hurt Killua and that had 3 years worth of long lasting effects. And it had obviously found its way even into the least involved person. There was so much to atone for. But he was ready, he was determined to earn back what had been lost.

“I’m sorry, Alluka. I didn’t know—I-I’ll do everything I can!” Gon vowed, fisting his bed sheets in his palm.

“I know you will.” Alluka smiled, setting her bowl of cereal down on Gon’s nightstand before crawling over the span of his bed and wrapping her arms around his neck. “He cares about you—we both do. Nanika, too! We love you, Gon-kun!” Alluka pulled back, pressing a loud and long kiss on his cheek and he wrapped his arms around her, tightly. The two sitting there for a few moments before letting go and the girl retreated back to her cereal bowl, resuming her eating as if nothing had just happened.

Killua entered the room, a bowl of cereal in his hands that looked like it was about to overflow and spill over his fingers, Gon noted it also looked a little like a mad scientist’s experiment—Killua had obviously used more than one cereal for this concoction. Gon smiled to himself, _Killua is so cute.. So incredible.._

“A Killua made breakfast just for you.” Killua had a smug smile, clearly pleased with his ability to make a bowl of cereal.

“It might be poisoned, I don’t know if I’d eat that, Gon-kun.” Alluka immediately joked, spoon of Cheerios halfway to her mouth.

“O-oi!” Killua yelled in indignation and Gon took the bowl from his favorite person without hesitation.

“I trust Killua, he’s pretty amazing at everything anyway!” Gon complimented, taking a spoonful of the cereal that he noted had a mix of Apple Jacks, Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms and Cheerios.

Killua groaned, blushing under the scrutiny and making his way back onto Gon’s bed into the space between Gon and his little sister. “I hate you both.” He muttered quietly and Gon couldn’t resist the urge to tease him after chewing thoroughly.

“That’s not what Killua said last night.” He feigned a confused look and Killua flushed several different shades while Alluka guffawed in her corner, almost spitting out her food.

“Good one, Gon-kun!” Alluka ribbed, reaching her hand out for a high five and the two clapped their hands together. Killua stewed, arms wrapping around himself.

“I hate you _both_!” He reiterated and the friends laughed, settling down in comfortable silence with bowls of cereal and cheesy movies on TV.

**X-X-X**

Killua was playing with Gon’s hands, lying out in the sun with a feast for a picnic spread out over a red blanket. He kept an eye on a wandering Alluka and Retz walking around trees spread out around the park, laughs and shouts of people reaching his ears.

“Killua..” Gon called and the silver haired boy tilted his head slightly to acknowledge Gon who was lying on his stomach, legs crossed and waving in the air behind his head. “I know Killua probably wants to forget all about it but I wanted to tell you-that I had-well-I--”

“Spit it out, Gon.” He sighed, a little unnerved. Gon had always been straightforward and honest, seeing how time and mental anguish changed him was difficult to witness.

“Before our spar, I had already decided I wasn’t going to fight Tetsuyuki. I-I saw the recordings and it didn’t seem-I didn’t want to do it. I should have told Killua before but I was so excited about our spar, I didn’t want to ruin it. Killua said that I was throwing my second chance at life away and you were right--” Gon sighed before continuing, looking up to Killua “But ever since Killua came back, everything’s changed. I don’t even want to stay in Heaven’s Arena anymore, in a way it was like I was keeping myself here as punishment for everything that I’d done. It was a way to hide from the people I’d hurt most, including Killua. It was a way to hurt _myself_. When I’m with Killua, though, I feel stronger. You were right, you saved me but all I’ve been doing was failing, I was being weak.” Gon shook his head, “But not anymore! Killua, I meant it when I said I wanted a normal life. And I want to spend it with you, there’s no doubt in my mind that we’re stronger together than we are apart. Or maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m just stronger when Killua’s near but that’s okay, too. You make me want to be better, you make me want to be more. I’m sorry I failed you before but I’ll make it up to you! I’ll do my best!” Gon smiled, eyes shining with determination and for a second Killua felt like all the air had been sucked out of the universe because he hadn’t seen this Gon, this Gon who shined.. Who was..

_Gon,_

_you are light.._

He wouldn’t look away this time, he wouldn’t ask to stay by his side because he didn’t need to. Gon wanted him there.

He shifted on the red blanket, turning to face Gon fully lying down and interlaced both hands with his. “I’m sorry, too. I said some things to you that I shouldn’t have, I was cruel..” Killua shook his hair into his face.

Gon mimicked the head shake—minus the hair. “Unh, Killua was fair. You were angry and honest--”

“I was being an asshole.” Killua corrected.

“Killua’s never that!” Gon vehemently denied, slightly hurt at Killua describing himself using such a word.

“Don’t forgive me so easily.” Killua sighed, he truthfully did feel he went incredibly overboard, spat things without thinking, only aiming to hurt. Both boys were quiet for a few moments.

“Did Killua really plan to die with me that night?” Gon asked, voice almost dropping off to a whisper but Killua heard him clear enough, Gon was staring down at their entwined hands.

“Yeah. If you died then I wanted to die with you. At the time, at least.” Killua gave his hands a reassuring squeeze because that wasn’t how he felt, now. He didn’t want either of them to die but he didn’t think his devotion was so absolute, anymore. No longer one track, he had more now.

“Then I’m glad it was just me.” Gon replied in that same low voice.

“Shut up, don’t say things like that!” Killua knocked his forehead with Gon’s, a little hard but he knew Gon could take it, he just needed sense knocked into him--literally.

“It’s okay, Killua. I’m here. I’m here and it’s because of you.” Gon smiled, nuzzling his nose with Killua’s and he was trying incredibly hard not to forget that they were having a serious conversation.

“It was Nanika, not me. I-I’m sorry I said that, it was real egotistical of me.” Killua chuckled at himself.

“If you hadn’t saved Alluka then Nanika wouldn’t be here, either. You weren’t wrong.”

They were quiet again. Killua lowered his head, choosing to rest it against their knuckles.

“Were you really awake in the hospital?” Killua couldn’t begin to imagine what Gon went through if that were the case.

“Mm.” Gon nodded, “I would fade in and out of consciousness, but I had dreams that were black so some of it I’m not even sure was real. It was all the same, after a while. After you left, I had nightmares about it sometimes.” Gon’s eyes glazed over, as if he could have said nightmares with eyes still open. He shut his eyes quickly before shaking his head and giving Killua a soft smile. “B-but I remember the sound of Killua’s voice when you came in, those times I always did my best to stay awake for.” Gon leaned over, placing a small kiss on the tip of Killua’s nose.

Killua smiled softly, looking away.

“Nee, Killua’s different.” Gon changed the subject.

“Hmm?” Killua replied, absentmindedly.

“I remember a time where Killua would have hit me on the head or called me an idiot for doing that.” Gon almost had a touch of wistfulness in his voice.

“I remember a time when you weren’t so observant.”

Gon truly looked hurt at the comment Killua made.

“I’m trying, Killua. There was—I’m not--”

“The same, I know but that’s okay. I’m okay with that. It just means we get another chance to do things differently, now.” And it did, pieces of them had broken apart and they had to put them back together best they could while apart, all that was missing were the pieces they could pull back while together.

“Killua, I’ll never be able to tell you how--” Gon started, again.

“If you’re going to say ‘I’m sorry’ again I really will hit you on the back of the head and call you an idiot. I don’t want to, though, so don’t okay?” Killua raised a brow in challenge.

“I just--"

“Gon, words aren’t going to fix this. It’s not going to happen immediately. We said what needed to be said all that’s left now is to let these wounds heal. But that’s going to take time and action. We’re not the same dumb kids we were, we know what not to do, we have a map in front us telling us where not to go, we can do this. And I-I’m forgiving you, so we’re back to the drawing board. So, don’t let me down, yeah?”

Gon blinked tears away and nodded fiercely, he laid over Killua wrapping his arms around and reveling in the feel of their bodies together, his counterpart did the same. While they both would have enjoyed lying there forever, it was straining their bodies in an uncomfortable position and the boys had to to separate.

“So what’s next, Gon? If we’re leaving Heaven’s Arena behind, where are we going?” Killua sighed, stretching his legs before swinging himself into a sitting up position and crossing his legs.

“Well, home of course.” Gon smiled.

_Whale Island._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHALE ISLAND! Don't be afraid to leave questions/comments/critiques!

“It’s so smelly here.” Alluka’s small nose pinched and wrinkled as she followed her brother and his boyfriend further into the Whale Island port. The port was crowded, men and women wearing dresses and work clothes, selling fish and other goods around but the stench of sea and fish was rife and she wasn’t entirely pleased.

“Alluka, don’t fall behind!” Her brother quickly took her hand as he had to double back to find his sister standing around to take in the sights with a mix of distaste and awe, blue eyes shining.

“Oh! S-sorry, onii-chan.” She smiled and hiked her bag up further on her shoulder.

They had set sail for Whale Island nearly a week ago, having to catch a plane before boarding a ship and arriving at the port. The picnic had been one of the last days they spent at Heaven’s Arena, having to leave before Gon’s 30 days were up since he made the decision to forfeit the match. While Alluka was glad Gon wouldn’t have to fight again, she was bereft to leave the place she made a friend at. Though she still hoped to see Retz again.

The two boys held majority of their belongings, Killua had a large duffel bag on each shoulder along with a large suitcase and Gon was rolling two suitcases along with several of his own bags filled with belongings. Alluka carried a backpack and a suitcase, hoping they could rest and get food, soon.

“Alluka, there’s a hike somewhere down the line. I’m not sure how far away it is but if you get tired at any point while we’re going, tell me okay? We can stop or I’ll give you a piggyback ride, yeah?” Her brother looked over his shoulder at her and she smiled, grateful. The hike Killua mentioned was 30 minutes out of the pier, a dirt path between forest on either side of them and while Alluka was growing tired she couldn’t help but smile at the beauty around her. Sounds of birds singing and animals skittering about on forest floor, trees shaking with families inside them. Alluka couldn’t help but fall in love a little.

“Onii-chan, Gon-kun! Can we explore later? What kind of animals are here? Are there any rabbits? That would be so cute, I would die! Nee, can we go fishing? Swimming!? Onii-chan!” Alluka was so taken over by her own excitement, she felt like she couldn’t contain herself, amazed and in love with the world around her. _There’s so much beauty…_

She heard the lovebirds laugh, not necessarily at her or with malice intended, they were excited _about_ her excitement.

“We can do whatever you want, little sister. You name it. We have our own tour guide, anyway.” Killua winked, tilting his head in Gon’s direction and the boy turned to look at both siblings.

“Mm! I can show Alluka-chan all the best spots around!” Gon promised with a big grin and Alluka smiled, excited at the prospect of a new adventure with two of her favorite people.

“There’s a stream not too far from here, we can stop there and break for a little while, we don’t have much longer but Alluka-chan you must be getting tired?” Gon suggested with furrowed brows and Alluka’s skin flushed.

“Eh.. Yeah. Just a little. But it’s okay, I’m having fun!” She shook her head, knowing her brother would fret over her if she said even one wrong thing.

“Do you want me to carry you?” Killua asked his sister, concern lacing his voice.

_Knew it._

“I’m fine, onii-chan. I promise!” She made a face at him then stuck out her tongue to show exactly how okay she was and her older brother snorted at her antics.

They trekked through the dirt for another 20 minutes or so before Gon took them through a detour, Alluka felt like magic existed in the forestry surrounding her and she was falling more in love with each passing second. They set their belongings down, her brother rotating his arms and groaning from the strain of holding so much luggage. Gon did the same, though with less whining.

Snacks and water were passed around as the trio relaxed, joking and taking in the scenery, everyone feeling truly at peace. Alluka couldn’t help but notice how closely her brother and Gon were sitting, legs pressing together and hands intertwined as they made casual conversation as if it were any other day. She watched her brother’s face burn an awful deep red as Gon offered to feed him a piece of dried beef jerky, the two bickered before her brother gave in and pouted like a petulant child as he ate from Gon’s fingers.

_Cute! They’re so cute!! Onii-chan is so much happier, now…_

Alluka was brought out of her thoughts by the sound of rustling behind her, when she turned she noticed a figure in the darkness of the trees. A very large one. She sat quietly as she stared into the forest, trying to figure out exactly what creature was making its way towards her—and if it was friend or foe. She heard the creature snuff loudly, growling slightly and fear seeped into every bone in her body as she realized the creature was a fox bear. A very, very large fox bear. And it was walking straight towards her, nose pinched as if it smelled something unappealing.

She made an involuntary ‘yip’ sound and her brother was instantly on high alert, watching his sister raise a shaky arm in defense of herself as she cowered from the trees behind them.

“Alluka?” The boy pushed himself to his knees, hair on the back of his neck rising at the sight of his sister.

“O-o-onii-chan!” She screeched louder than her brother had ever heard, unintentionally frightening the bear that was feet away from her and causing it to rush her in a panic.

The silver haired boy was on his feet in less than a second, in front of his sister and prepared to take on one of the largest fox bears he’d ever seen. He grit his teeth, morphing his fingernails into deadly razor like weapons. He would cut the bear in half if he had to.

“Kon!” Gon yelled and the bear stopped in its tracks, turning its head this way and that before locating the boy. “Kon, it’s been so long!” Gon laughed and stood between Killua and the bear who proceeded to fall back on it’s rump and lower its head to nuzzle Gon with its nose.

Killua wanted to ask what the hell was happening but decided to put that conversation on the back burner as he listened to the sobbing of the young girl behind him. His heart tugged at the sound and he turned, kneeling before Alluka who had tears streaming down her face.

“Are you okay? You’re not hurt, right?” He inspected her face, moving her hair and lifting the sleeves of her dress to make sure she wasn’t bruised or marked in any way though he knew the fox bear, called Kon, didn’t even get a chance to touch her. “Little sister?” He regarded her with sad eyes, imagining the terror she must have felt. She jumped into her brother’s lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and legs around his waist as she cried, harder.

If her brother were not there to save her, she would have died. She sat frozen in her fear as a dangerous animal had barreled its way toward her. Yes, she was afraid. But she was also angry. She didn’t think she had ever felt so incredibly _weak._

Killua wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her closer as she sobbed into his neck, he rubbed up and her back and ran his fingers through her hair with his other hand, occasionally pressing small kisses on her head.

“You’re okay, you’re safe. I’d never let anything hurt you.” He repeatedly whispered into her hair and they both knew it to be true.

But Alluka wanted to one day be strong on her own. She knew she couldn’t count on her older brother forever—she would be able to do it, without a doubt—but she wanted to live her own life and she wanted him to live his. With the way he constantly catered to her, she knew it would never happen. Killua never taught her how to be strong or defend herself because he’s the one who was those things for her, strength and defense. A moment like this made her realize that she wanted that strength for herself. She loved her brother more than words would ever be able to describe and knew he was trying his best, but he was teaching her how to be dependent as opposed to self-sufficient. She didn’t blame him, he was after all trying to protect her from the world’s greatest assassins. That’s no easy feat for anyone and though Killua made it look easier before, he had voiced his insecurities weeks ago to her. So, no she couldn’t be upset with him or blame him.

But she _could_ ask more from him. Or perhaps in this case, _less_.

“Come on. Look, Gon is literally petting that giant monstrosity.” Killua did his best to distract his young sister, pulling away from her and pointing to a squatting Gon who was in fact petting the large bear while it licked his arm.

She would ask later. For now, she would indulge.

“Alluka-chan, you can come over! I’ve had a nice little chat with Kon, he won’t hurt you! Nee, you can even feed him a little if you want.” Gon gave her a smile that was meant to instill absolute confidence and faith but she was still afraid.

Alluka and her brother stood, though she held onto him as her legs slightly shook.

“I-I don’t—Onii-chan--” She stammered, nervous, her thumb going between her teeth. She would chew it raw enough to bleed if she bit any harder.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.” Her brother tugged her thumb from her mouth, knowing the condition of the mangled finger.

The bear sneezed in Gon’s face and Alluka yelped, hiding behind her brother.

“Nee, Kon that wasn’t very nice!”

Killua burst into a fit of laughter and Alluka peeked out, seeing Gon’s face covered in bear snot and her brother’s previous words echoed in her head.

 _It’s okay_ , he said, _you don’t have to._

_Her strength and defense._

The young girl steeled herself and before thinking herself out of it, she gripped her brother’s hand tightly and moved out from behind him. She stalked the both of them towards Gon and the fox bear called Kon, determined not to let her fear get the best of her. She would face it head on and feed the damn bear.

Kon grunted, noticing figures in its peripherals and turning its head to meet it. Alluka came to an abrupt halt and her brother walked into her back, felt her trembling. He kept one of his hands in hers and laid the other on her bicep, slightly pushing her forward, the force not being enough to make her walk against her will but to walk if she felt she wanted to. Alluka sniffled, took a deep breath and pushed forward as Kon sat staring at her with a blank gaze.

“Alluka-chan, he won’t hurt you. I made sure of it. Kon and I are old friends.” Gon tried to reassure her in a quiet voice. She dug her nails into her thumb as she came face to face with Kon and the fox bear hesitantly brought his nose closer to her, smelling her hair and clothes then pulling away before smelling her feet. She trembled the entire time, squeezing her brother’s hand for dear life as Kon made his circuit about the Zoldyck siblings, once Kon was satisfied he grunted and nodded before turning back to Gon. The animal friendly boy dug into his pockets for something before pulling out a closed fist and stretching it out towards Alluka. “You can feed him, now. These are just berries. He smelled you and didn’t attack so now he knows that you won’t hurt him and he’s familiar with your scent. When you feed him, you create trust. Go on.” He encouraged her and raised her hand, palm side up and open. Gon dropped the berries without hesitation.

“Alluka, if you’re afraid, you don’t--”

“I know, onii-chan. But I want to try.”

She reached her hand out to the bear and he licked several berries from her palm, she giggled without intending to, the texture of the bear’s tongue tickling her and making her fidget. Her brother smiled behind her, proud his young sister did something so brave.

They stayed with Kon for a little while before the trees shook again with the presence of another large bear and several smaller cubs. Gon knew it was Kon’s family though he and the Zoldyck’s stayed away from them—the family of bear’s did not know Gon, they would not pick out his scent from a thousand others. So he was happy to gaze from afar, waving as the family retreated together after collecting their final member.

The trio packed up after that, this time not stopping until they reached Gon’s home.

Killua remembered vividly the last time he was here, watching Mito-san hang clothes in the yard and smiling at him when he appeared with slouching shoulders.

“M-Mito-san? W-we’re here..” Gon had poked his head through the door, leaving the rest of his body outside on the porch, anxiety and fear gripping his heart.

A woman with red hair carefully coiffed into a bun turned immediately at the sound of her nephew—her son’s voice. A voice she hadn’t heard in what felt like a very, very long time. Her eyes gleamed with unshed tears and just like that, all of Gon’s fear and anxiety washed away, he smiled brightly and threw open the door, dropping his luggage before rushing into his mother’s open arms.

“Gon!” She cried his name and Gon giggled, lifting his mother into the air and spinning her around for good measure, a watching Alluka and Killua tried to hide their laughter behind their hands. Gon set Mito-san down and she directed her attention to the siblings at her door. Sighing, she shook her head “It took you all long enough!” She scolded and Killua felt the tip of his ears burn scarlet, chancing a glance at Gon who looked about the same.

“Mito-san, I’m so--” Gon began to apologize.

“No, no apologies. It’s all in the past and it doesn’t matter, anymore. My boy is home and he’s brought friends, it’s time to relax and to eat. Come inside, Killua!” She flagged him down and he made sure his sister was following him in, Mito rushed over to pull Killua into a near bone crushing hug and he noted immediately that the last time he was here, he was perhaps up to her waist and now he was taller than the bun on her head. Mito-san must have noticed as well because she laughed as she stepped back, she smiled at the much smaller, brunette girl behind Killua. “And who may this beautiful girl be?”

“Mito-san, this is my little sister, Alluka.” Killua introduced her and his little sister was all smiles.

“Hello, Alluka. How are you?” Mito-san asked, kindly.

“I’m ecstatic, nee, Mito-san I fed a bear called Kon today!” Alluka was back to her cheery self and Killua was glad for it, feeling like the sun was in his chest whenever his little sister smiled.

“Did you? Well, seeing as I have my work cut out for me tonight with dinner, why don’t you stick around and tell me about it?” Mito-san smiled and then turned to both Killua and Gon with a stern look on her face. Both teenage boys stood up straighter. “Gon, can you please set up gran’s room for Alluka and then fix your room up for Killua. Killua, please put your dirty clothes to one corner, I’ll be doing your laundry. Also, please take a shower.” She commanded them like they were soldiers.

Killua almost laughed, still the same woman who commanded nearly the same thing the first time he came around.

“Oh, no. That’s okay Mito-san, I can--” Killua’s sentence died on his lips when he saw the look on Mito-san’s face.

“Don’t make me count.” She warns and Killua’s eyes widened, taking their luggage and following Gon up the stairs to do exactly as they’re told.

“Alluka, help me in the kitchen?” Mito-san smiled sweetly at the young girl.

“Uh, I-I’ve never cooked b-but I’d like to be of help!” Alluka blushed, swallowing nervously as she walked over to Mito-san’s boiling pots and hoping she didn’t have two left hands.

“I’ll have you cut some vegetables and make a salad, does that sound okay?” Mito-san acquiesced and Alluka smiled, feeling calmed by the older woman’s words while her brother and Gon hauled all of their luggage upstairs together.

“Oi, oi! How can one woman be so scary!?” Killua whispered to Gon as they raced to his room.

“I’d take Hisoka on over her.” Gon joked and loud laughter bubbled from Killua’s mouth. Both boys showered—separately and Gon made space for Killua’s stuff along with his in their newly shared room which was a pain to do as Killua insisted it was inappropriate for them to share a room and bed now that they were a couple but Gon won and had his way in the end.

Killua made his way down the stairs alone and towards the open kitchen. Watching his sister help Mito-san prepare dinner for everyone. “Never thought I’d see you over a boiling pot before, Alluka.” He teased.

“She is quite the helper.” Mito-san replied as she set the table, giving Killua a stern look that he was unaccustomed to but not unfamiliar with. She was telling him not to pester his sister. Killua averted his gaze and his eyes widened when he saw the feast that lay on the table in front of him.

“M-Mito-san this is--”

“A perfect meal for our wonderful guests. From what Alluka told me, you two practically have not had a proper meal since you all went separate ways. Hotels and restaurants can only do so much, I’m surprised you’ve both managed to stay as thin as you are.” Mito-san scolded like the mother she was and Killua blushed a furious red. Cooking wasn’t an option with the nomadic life they had led before. However, what Mito-san had done was incredibly considerate and kind, it set a warm feeling inside of Killua’s chest and he felt as if he were going to break out into a sweat.

“I’m probably going to eat half of this, anyway. Enjoy it while you can.” Gon had come from behind Killua, bumping shoulders with him and sending a smirk his way before taking his seat at the dinner table. Killua slowly made his way to the table and sat next to Gon, still feeling slightly awkward being back after so long and with the relationship change involving himself and Mito-san’s son. After all, Killua had already developed the subconscious habit of touching Gon, no matter how inconsequential the connection be, and he certainly couldn’t do that while in front of Mito, he felt like he was committing a grave crime.

“Nee, Gon, where’s your grandmother?” Killua asked, trying to bring himself out of his thoughts and realizing he hadn’t seen the older woman a single time since he’d arrived. He noticed that Gon’s earlier cheery demeanor had faded somewhat upon his asking this, Gon’s smile not reaching his eyes.

“Sh-she passed away earlier this year, actually. It was very quick, she got sick one day and then..” Gon trailed off and Killua felt the air in the room become thick. And even though he had only met the woman once, he felt sadness at the thought of her being gone.

“Gon, I-I’m so--” He began as he felt a lump rise in his throat.

“Now, none of that.” Mito-san interrupted as she and Alluka finished setting the table with plates of food. “Grandmother lived a long and happy life, she had no regrets and was not sad to leave. We can’t be sad for someone who has no time to be sad for themselves.” She said in a very comforting voice, she smiled softly at Killua and Gon to ease their tension. “Now let’s all sit and get started, yes?” Her smile brighter this time at the kids surrounding her.

If there was one thing Killua wouldn’t forget, it was the bizarre ritual the Freecss’ had, which was to bow their heads before dinner and give thanks. To whom, he did not know, but it didn’t stop him from taking Alluka’s hand and pointedly putting his head down as if to say, _‘_ _look, see’_. When he peeked an eye at her, Alluka had her head down and he smiled at their sibling understanding.

After a few silent moments, Mito-san raised her head and said the magic words that started the world’s quickest race.

“Let’s eat!”

**X-X-X**

Killua was alone in Gon’s room unpacking when three tiny knocks on the door behind him interrupted the quiet, he turned to see Alluka’s brunette hair and blue eyes peeking at him from a small opening in the door.

“Hey, are you okay? How are you feeling?” Killua quickly made his way over to his little sister, noticing her long hair was dripping and wet, he would have to remind her to brush it out before she went to bed.

“I’m okay, onii-chan! Dinner was good and Mito-san is really nice, I’m glad you brought me here.” Alluka gave him an honest smile.

Killua chuckled, his hand going to the back of his neck “You’re the one who I should be thanking, Alluka. If it weren’t for your god-awful meddling, we wouldn’t be here, at all.” He smiled at her with love, because it was true. If Alluka had not contacted Gon months ago, none of them would be here on Whale Island today and it was a frightening thought Killua didn’t like to dwell on. While her later actions hadn’t been the best, Alluka still had honest intentions and did everything with kindness and love in her heart. He would be grateful forever.

“God-awful? Pfft. Whatever, onii-chan!” The teen rolled her eyes and laughed. “Actually, uhm..” Alluka fidgeted, twirling a tendril of her dripping wet hair.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay? It’s not your medication, is it? You can tell me.” While travel and today’s events could make Alluka feel overwhelmed Killua was also aware of the fact the medication she was taking was another concern, especially because side effects usually won’t hit her until weeks after. And this was usually the timeline for side effects to hit, Killua never took Leorio’s words lightly.

“No, no. I mean I did have a little bit of a headache earlier but it passed and I feel better, I’m just really tired. I’m probably heading to bed but I wanted to talk to you before I did.” Alluka smiled at him, for all the protection her brother constantly gave her, she also was one to give back.

“We can go to your room, if you want. I-I can brush your hair for you the way I used to?” Killua asked, there were small things he missed in his relationship with his sister. He would brush her hair for her all the time a few years ago, he watched videos online of how to french braid, tie bows with her hair and the proper products to use to untangle the mane. But she had insisted upon doing it herself for quite some time now, while he never admitted it, sometimes his fingers itched to twine and fold over the tendrils of her hair though he resisted.

“No, I mean that’s okay, onii-chan. Y-you don’t hav--”

“I want to, it’s not a bother to me.” He reassured her, perhaps seeming to eager.

“If you say so, onii-chan.” Alluka led Killua to her room, rummaging through her still packed bags for her brush, comb, favorite detangler and volumizer, handing it to her brother. She crawled onto her bed and sat cross-legged, waiting for her brother to follow behind her and he did, opting to sit with legs folded under him. He quickly swiped Alluka’s still wet towel from the banister at the end of her bed and lightly squeezed the excess water from her locks.

Alluka secretly enjoyed when Killua doted on her in this way as it was incredibly soothing when Killua brushed her hair for her. She sighed happily when Killua gently parted her hair, sprayed detangler and began to brush out the long strands, her hair had grown nearly past her bottom and Alluka had felt the weight and maintenance was becoming a nuisance. She also begrudgingly thought it was another thing her brother did better than her, another form of strength and defense.

“Onii-chan..”

“Alluka?”

The siblings spoke at the same time and then laughed at their like-mindedness.

“You go first.” Killua offered, grunting as he combed into a particularly tough knot.

“No, you go, onii-chan.”

Killua finally fought his way free of the knot and used the comb to brush straight down.

“What would you say if we stayed here?” Killua asked, something akin to fear in his voice, Alluka thought.

“I thought we were already staying here, onii-chan.”

“I mean for longer than a few months. Maybe indefinitely. What would you say to that?”

“Indefinitely?” She questioned. “As in--”Alluka paused, trying to wrap her mind about what Killua was asking her, “this would be home, from now on?”

“Well, maybe. Y-yeah.” Killua didn’t necessarily want to make any promises but if this was truly something he were to consider, he would make sure Alluka was comfortable, first. She was his first priority, no matter what. He sighed in relief when he combed through 1/4th of Alluka’s hair, pushing it over one of her shoulder’s to continue on.

“Earlier, Mito-san taught me how to properly chop vegetables without cutting myself, and she showed me a method for making the best pasta. She asked me how our trip was, where we went before meeting with Gon-kun. Onii-chan, she was interested in every word I said. Every single word. I know it’s soon to say and it doesn’t make any sense but I think I already love her and I want—Nanika wants—if we can t-to meet her?” Alluka stuttered, her brother was very strict when it came to people meeting Nanika and she understood why but Alluka had a need inside her for someone to understand her. Her brother did that, sure, but there were things she couldn’t tell him. Things she didn’t think he would entirely understand and Alluka didn’t feel she could truly be herself unless someone knew about every part of herself—which included Nanika. Alluka wanted a mother, a doting mother who offered love without condition… Like Mito-san.

In a way, she felt selfish for this. She promised her brother would be enough 3 years ago but still, deep inside her was the need of a mother figure. A woman she could go to about anything and everything.

“We can talk about it, okay?” Killua pat his little sister’s head, knowing that Alluka would need more than him now and in the future. If they could stay… He could give her more. Both Alluka and Nanika.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha. NO, I was NOT listening to the orchestra version of Nagareboshi Kirari while writing this entire chapter! Honestly you guys, this was hands down my favorite chapter in this entire series to write! Gon just took over, idk... Please enjoy, it's wonderful! Leave messages/comments/critiques. Or if you'd like to talk to me personally go to: lazypotatoe.tumblr.com/

**QUICK NOTE!: Go to youtube and search "Nagareboshi Kirari Gon Killua" listen to the song. Here is a translation of the lyrics http://willeke4439.livejournal.com/285880.html aannnnd just replay it over and over again while reading lol. Here we go!**

* * *

1 Month Later, July 7th.

“Killua, it’s time. Get up. Come on, wake up!”

Killua groaned, keeping his eyes shut tight and turning away from the voice interrupting his peaceful sleep.

“Killua!” Gon whined in his ear, shaking their shared bed and Killua peeled crusted over eyes open in the darkness. He rolled flat on his back and blinked, finding the window across from him wide open and the moon still hanging high, night sky dark.

_The sun’s not even up!?_

_No, no, no.._

“Gon, it’s too early for whatever the hell you want to do.” Killua sighed, and reached out his arm to the boy sitting up beside him. “Come.” He made a move to pull Gon into his arms and cuddle but Gon easily dodged and took hold of his hand, physically dragging him out of their bed. “Wh-what the hell are you—AH!” Killua landed with a harsh thud on the floor, he tried to mentally count to 10 before he decided to murder Gon.

“Come on, I have a surprise for Killua! But we need to get going, right now. We’ll miss it!” Gon spoke in a hushed tone and reached his hands out above Killua to help him up, Killua was already more than half annoyed but decided not to pout like a petulant child, the fall from their bed woke him up anyway.

“Where are we going, Gon?” He decided to go along, allowing Gon to help him stand.

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told Killua!”

“I’m about to kill you.” Killua growled, still wishing they could just go back to sleep.

“Baby!” Gon whined and Killua was zapped to life, eyes widening and skin feeling on fire, tingling from head to toe at the pet name Gon just called him. Gon took both of Killua’s hands in his and pecked his lips once, twice, thrice. “Please hurry, okay? Killua’s going to love it, I promise.”

Killua obeyed, slipping on jeans, a t-shirt and some shoes before quietly tip-toeing out of their room and down the stairs, past the kitchen and out the front door in pitch black being lead by Gon. The nocturnal animals were wide awake with the boys, keeping them company as they trekked through Whale Island together and the moon their guide.

“If I get bit by something out here, I’m going to be very--”

“Killua, look!” Gon near shouted, pointing off into the distance and Killua strained his eyes to see—lights. A giant tree made up of lights, as if the leaves in the branches were replaced with bright bulbs. “Isn’t it pretty?”

“What is it?”

“They’re fireflies. Come on, we’re not there yet!” Gon tugged him along excitedly and Killua almost stumbled to keep up.

“Not there yet? How far is this place?”

“Not telling Killua.” Gon laughed and the boy behind him rolled his eyes.

“How about you give me a hint? Let’s make a game of this.” Killua followed Gon, walking across a fallen log over a riverbed. They’d been up and down this forest together but he didn’t recognize the path Gon was taking him on.

“A game?” Gon’s interest was piqued.

“I’ll make a guess about where we’re going and if I guess it correctly before we get there, then you’ll have to do my chores for a week!”

“Nee, Killua that’s boring! What about if you don’t guess it?”

“Then I lose and do whatever you want.”

“Killua has to do whatever I want?” Gon spoke with a tone that made Killua’s skin tingle.

“W-within reason!”

“Of course.” Gon replied with a teasing tone and Killua rolled his eyes at the boy he loved. They began a climb up a steep hill, Killua’s muscles contracting with the strain.

“Okay, so this place, have we been there before?” He started his line of questioning.

“Nuh uh!”

“I thought as much.” Killua sighed, coming over the hill with Gon and sliding down in a small race with the spiky haired teen, he laughed at Gon stumbling towards the bottom. “Will we be completely surrounded by forest?”

“Eh, not really? Killua, wait! Stop! Look..” Gon crouched down, pointing to a patch of moonlight and a break in the trees, Killua stopped to crouch beside him. His eyes widened as he watched what looked like two deer, one large and one small, flouncing about in the brush under the moonlight, the white of the moon making them look almost like ghosts. “Aren’t they beautiful?” Gon said with awe and Killua felt the same, watching something incredible unfold in the night all around Whale Island. The forest seemed a sentient being. Killua watched as the larger deer began to groom the smaller deer, though the smaller deer did not seem entirely pleased. The boys laughed and Gon intertwined his finger’s with Killua’s, holding on tight as he lead him deeper into the trees.

“Nee, can Killua hear them? All around us..”

“It’s like the island is alive...” Killua finished Gon’s thoughts.

They came upon a stream, hopping onto rocks to cross and Killua felt giddy, a warm and light sensation settling in his chest that he didn’t think anyone but Gon could put there.

“Come on, we’re almost there!” Gon insisted, leading him in the dark like a seasoned pro.

“Is it an object, like a boat?”

Gon laughed, shaking his head. “Nope!”

Killua couldn’t even huff in irritation, too enamored with the sounds the birds were making, the shaking of the trees as he witnessed monkeys swinging branch to branch, excited themselves to see where the two boys would end up. A rabbit skittered at his feet, pausing to stand on hind legs and stare before disappearing into a bush behind him as they continued onward. Killua was beginning to understand why Gon loved this place so much, he was beginning to love it himself. They pushed on for what felt like hours, the nocturnal animals coming out to play and Killua felt like a voyeur, as if he had a ticket to the world’s most private and wonderful show; eventually Killua stopped guessing where they were going, no longer worried about the destination.

Gon finally stopped, both boys panting from exertion as they came upon the end of a small river, watching as it dropped off into a waterfall below their feet. “Okay, it’s just past here! Be careful, Killua, it’s slippery.” Gon took tentative steps down the waterfall, making sure he had a decent enough foothold before leading Killua down with a strong hand. They took the steps down together, Gon giving Killua a brilliant smile as he reached the last step and Killua couldn’t stop himself from smiling back, his insides feeling like absolute mush.

They didn’t speak as Gon lead them further out, past a path that had fewer and fewer trees as they went along before coming out to a clearing. Dirt turning to sand and land turning to ocean. It was like standing at their own small and private beach, hidden away from the rest of the world. As if the two boys were the only that existed and Killua’s breath hitched, taking in his surroundings. The moon hanging high in front of them, its reflection in the waves. Killua could hear the peaceful crash, the push and pull. It was beautiful.

“Gon, w-what is--”

“Killua said he wanted my darkness and he wanted my smile--” Gon lead him further out in the sand before continuing, “This island has seen both. I came back with Ging once, a few years ago and everything was so different but still the same. Kon was older, for one, trees had grown where there had been stumps before, the animals mated and created life while I was gone. So they basically did what they always did, they were the same but... it was me who was different. Me, who had changed.” He stopped them at the shore, the ocean water barely hitting the tops of their shoes before pulling back and crashing into the ocean. “Being here was difficult, which is another reason why I jumped at the chance to be at Heaven’s Arena. I felt like there was a part of me that no longer belonged, like this island was peace and harmony and life—and those were things I deliberately threw away when I left the first time. I didn’t think I deserved them.” Gon’s voice drifted off, quietly and he bent to pick at a sea shell in the sand, blowing the sand off and cleaning it against his shirt before throwing it into the water.

Killua stayed quiet, listening to the sounds of the forest and ocean combined, breathing in the scent of perfect sea air and trees behind him, their perfect little alcove.

“Killua..” Gon called and the silver haired boy turned, pausing for a moment as he admired the way the moon reflected off Gon’s dark skin, the almost unnatural light his eyes seemed to gain, Killua thought he glowed. “You brought me back here, home to Mito-san, home to the forest I ran away from. I didn’t think I could be anything good anymore until Killua came back and did these things for me, I’m grateful. I’m more than grateful, I-I wanted to show Killua my promise.” Gon turned away, Killua still stared. “I hid this path from you on purpose because I wanted to save it for this specific day, no other. I wanted it to be ours—no, that’s wrong, I wanted it to be Killua’s.”

“Mine?”

“Killua, you don’t have to ask for my darkness or for my smile, I’ll give them to you. I’ll give you everything, I wanted to show you that you have it, I’m giving it.” He paused, swallowing. “Everything that I have is yours, my home is yours, my heart is yours, my darkness, my smile, whatever Killua wants. My soul? Killua can reach it.” He squeezed his lover’s hand. “This is me giving you everything, this is me showing you what our life could be like together.”

And Killua understood, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest and fall at Gon’s feet. He understood and it sent tingles throughout his body that had nothing to do with his Nen. Gon was surrendering every part of himself, inside and out, to Killua. He was telling Killua that this is what a normal life could look like for them.

Killua couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth, it being only the second time he would say them to Gon since his proclamation weeks earlier.

“I love you.”

Gon turned to Killua with a smile, leaning in close to kiss his cheek. “I love Killua, too.” They rested foreheads against each other for a moment before Gon separated from him, pulling him down into the sand. Killua sat between Gon’s splayed legs and Gon pulled him close, arms wrapping around Killua’s chest and head resting on his shoulder as they enjoyed the cool, ocean breeze and stared out into the star filled sky.

“You’re wrong, you know?” Killua broke the silence, bothered by Gon’s self-deprecation.

“Huh?”

“You do deserve this. You’re good, Gon. You’re so fucking good, there’s so much light inside of you. Before I met you, I never would have—if I never met you, I would be back home, doing things I didn’t want to do and Alluka would still be locked inside that hell hole. I only--Gon, I only had strength _because_ I met you, I only got stronger _because_ _of you._ ” He wrapped Gon’s arms around him tighter and Gon placed a kiss on his neck. “I know you said before that you hate yourself, that you don’t deserve this world but I firmly believe that you’re wrong. You are loved and I am grateful I got the chance to meet you because you changed my life. You deserve good. I want to be the one who can give it to you.” He twisted around to face Gon, legs folded underneath him as he cradled the boy’s face in his hands before leaning in to press lips against lips. And they stayed that way for a while, Killua too addicted to the way Gon’s lips felt, the way their tongues mingled, the _taste_ of him though Gon was just as eager.

“Nee, Killua.” Gon gave him an eskimo kiss and Killua nuzzled him back, smiling at the boy.

“What?”

“Happy 17th Birthday.” Gon smirked and Killua’s smile immediately dropped, blinking rapidly _he realized he forgot. He forgot his birthday was that morning_. “Look--” Gon nodded behind Killua and the silver haired boy turned, watching as the sky lightened from dark purple blue to a pink and yellow and orange, the moon saying its last goodbye’s as the sun rose just at the horizon.

 _Oh god,_ Killua realized, _he did this for me._

And the boy almost smacked himself, thinking how elaborate but simple the plan was. To hide this place from him, wake him up at just the right time to explore the hidden treasures of Whale Island under moonlight to catch the sunrise with a poetic view. To declare his unwavering love and devotion to Killua _on his 17_ _th_ _birthday._

_Jesus fucking Christ, I love this boy._

They sat for a while staring at the sun rise over the ocean before growing restless and chasing each other up and down the beach, shedding clothes and running wild into the ocean half naked and splashing each other, diving under the waves to see who could hold their breath longer—it was Gon. To air dry themselves, they repeated their trek across the beach, this time with Gon insisting on stopping every few seconds to pick up and dust off every sea shell he thought was beautiful or interesting, by the time they decided to turn back home both of their pockets were full and every step was met with the rattle of shells. _Yeah, Killua loved this boy._

The walk back was different, Killua thought, the previous animals scurrying in the dark had already made it home to their peace and quiet while the day watchers came out, it was no less beautiful, just a different kind.

“Will Killua carry me on his back?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because Killua lost the game he made up.”

“Shit...” Killua muttered, forgetting entirely about that ridiculous game born from curiosity.

“Mhm! Which means Killua has to do whatever I say and I want to be carried on your back.”

“You’re a damn handful, you know that?” Killua complained though he was happy for an excuse to be closer to Gon this way. He bent slightly and Gon wrapped his legs and arms around Killua’s body, clinging and stretching to place a kiss on the boy’s cheek while Killua blushed. They made it back to their home, Killua dropping Gon off on their porch and listening to Alluka’s excited voice inside. She was making breakfast with Mito-san.

“Onii-chan! Good morning, happy birthday!” The girl beamed before turning back to the pan she was supervising

Killua smiled.

“Happy Birthday, Killua. Sit, this is a day to be spoiled and breakfast is almost ready.” Mito-san was whipping something in a bowl he couldn’t see.

Over the period of a month, Mito-san had taught Alluka how to cook the basics like eggs and bacon, pasta and how to slice vegetables correctly, Killua’s younger sister was thrilled and helped Mito-san in any way she could everyday. The two women filled the breakfast table with an assorted variety of breakfast foods including eggs, bacon, sausage, smoked salmon and sweets like pancakes, french toast and homemade blueberry muffins—at Alluka’s insistence, of course.

The group sat down, giving thanks and then the kids piled their plates high, stomachs growling and mouths watering at the sight in front of them. Mito-san told herself she would never get tired of the image in front of her.

“Onii-chan, what are we doing for your birthday?” Alluka asked, piling an extra plate with 3 blueberry muffins, hoarding for later.

“Uh, I-I didn’t really think of anything, in particular. I didn’t even remember my birthday was today until Gon reminded me.” He rubbed the back of his neck and laughed.

“We could go down outside the port! There’s a bunch of little shops out there! I want to take Killua to an ice cream shop.” Gon smiled, reaching under the table for Killua’s hand. They had told Mito-san of their relationship and her only request was they be respectful under her roof. So they were doing their best not to flaunt it and convince Mito-san they were _not_ doing very vulgar things in their bedroom at night.

“Ooh, that sounds fun! I do need some new clothes...” Alluka mused, thinking about all the cute outfits she could put together when her brother took advantage of her distraction and stole two of her muffins, giving one to himself and passing the other to Gon.

“Nee! Those were mine!” Alluka whined, glaring at her silver haired brother who wore a cat-like smile.

“Well, it’s my birthday. And besides, I’m trying to look out for your precious teeth, you’ll get cavities with too many sweets!” He reasoned and stuck his tongue out at her while Gon looked on with an amused expression

“Speaking from experience, yuck mouth?” His little sister insulted.

“My teeth are perfect, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Killua chewed some egg before opening his mouth and showcasing the bits and pieces he hadn’t swallowed.

“Eww! You’re so gross, onii-chan!” Alluka giggled, rolling her eyes at her brother’s ridiculous antics.

“Killua, please chew with your mouth closed and leave your sister alone. Alluka, I’ll pack you some extra muffins for later, okay?” Mito-san scolded the siblings

“Yes Mito-san.” The Zoldyck siblings replied in unison, both feeling bashful under the older woman’s watchful gaze.

Gon stood quiet, feeling his heart expand and butterflies flutter in his stomach. It was a perfect day. Everyone he loved, together.

When breakfast was finished and all cleaned up the 3 teenagers went out, Alluka near falling off the porch in her haste to explore.

Killua paused some way down the trail, breathing in the island air and telling himself that this moment was real and he was here.

“Killua?”

And so was Gon.

Killua stared at Gon for a moment, feeling like he was seeing him for the first time and it made a wonderful feeling spread in his chest, a feeling of warmth and joy. Who would have known that a simple Hunter exam could have bore this beautiful friendship and love? Killua never thought this kind of life would be possible for him.

“I’ll catch up in a second.” He said, loud enough for Gon to hear and Gon nodded in understanding, turning to catch up with Alluka in the forest. Killua just wanted to be there, he felt truly at peace in the quaint house on the hill. Sun shining down, high and mighty upon his face, the sound of crashing waves below them, the sing songs of birds surrounding them.

“It’s refreshing, isn’t it? I’m sure you spent lots of time in big cities.” A kind voice came from behind him and he jumped, turning to see Mito-san standing beside him. _When did she get there?_

Killua bowed in respect quickly before rising and nodded towards the red head, “Uh, y-yes, thank you for allowing us to stay in your home.” He felt nervous, he wasn’t really great with older woman in general. Time had definitely taught him that.

“How are you feeling?” Mito-san asked, and Killua swallowed hard as he considered how loaded the question truly was.

“I-I’m… Really good.” He decided. “Alluka’s happy to be here, she truly enjoys your company, Mito-san.” He flashes her a grateful smile, “and if she’s happy then so am I.” The man-boy shrugged.

“You’re very brave, Killua.”

He didn’t know how to respond because he hadn’t considered himself brave in-- _well, ever._

“I know what it’s like to take care of another human being at a young age, thankfully I had grandmother at the time. But you? Who have you had?” Mito-san looked up with her green-brown eyes and Killua felt like she was staring into his soul. It was unnerving.

He looked down, shuffling foot to foot, trying to alleviate how naked and awkward he felt from her words and gaze.

“I-it’s nothing. Alluka’s my sister, I’d do anything for her.” _And Nanika too_ , he added in his head. “Besides, I had practice before we left together. I was taking care of Gon.” And at this both Killua and Mito-san laughed. Gon was definitely a handful, even now.

“He cares about you very much, Killua.” And Killua felt Mito-san staring a hole into his head, so he turned to face her as she spoke to him, “when you two separated, he wasn’t quite the same. He’ll always be Gon but there was a glimmer in his eyes that seemed to have faded. There was a darkness in him I didn’t understand.” She shrugged, “there was something gone that even Ging’s presence couldn’t fill. I didn’t see that shine in his eyes until he turned up with you on our doorstep a month ago.” She smiled warmly and this time it was her turn to show her gratuity to the silver haired boy who was blushing fiercely. “How long are you thinking of staying, Killua?” She asked.

He sighed, Killua didn’t want to be presumptuous and place himself and Alluka on them as a burden. Plus, there was still Illumi in the background to always worry about.

“I’m-I’m not really sure.” He answered honestly as he could. Mito-san nodded at his answer.

“For what it’s worth, you’re invited to stay as long as you want. Our door will always be open for family—and Killua.” Mito-san paused to make clear that she meant every word about to be spoken, “you and Alluka are family.” She gave him one last smile and turned back up the hill to that perfect quaint house.

_Family? She said we’re… Family?_

_Damn these Freecs’!_ Killua thought. How could she ever understand the impact of her words?

Killua had traveled alone with Alluka for 3 years, protecting and hiding her at all costs from his _actual_ family, the only one he's ever known: a family of assassins. His mother cried tears of joy when he stabbed her in the face, one of his older brother's was hunting him down and the other would joyously torture him without being asked twice. But this family... _With Gon._ A family full of love and life and support… The life he dreamed of having with Gon, the life he would die for.

“Killua!”

“Onii-chan!”

Both Alluka and Gon were running toward him, Gon being considerate to slow his pace to match the young girl’s. He stared at them, blinking for a moment.

“Y-you were taking too long!” Alluka laughed, slightly out of breath. “Aw, man. I’m wildly out of shape. Hold on, I think I’m gonna die for a second.” She bent over, hands on her knees and the teenage boy duo couldn’t help but snicker at her, Gon resting a soothing hand on her back.

“Aluka-chan got a little over excited, she insisted we wait for you. But, then she got too impatient and tried to race me up here.” Gon shrugged, smiling softly at Killua and this time the boy paid attention to Gon’s eyes. _That glimmer,_ Mito-san had said. Gon squinted, looking at Killua and raising his hand to cradle his cheek, sensing something was amiss. “Killua--”

“Okay! I’m good! Totally fine now, let’s go onii-chan!” Alluka yelled and laughed, turning away from the boys and running back downhill. Killua meant to follow but Gon stopped him, a light hand on his arm.

“Nee.” He called, softly and Killua turned to face him. “Is Killua okay?”

And Killua didn’t know how to answer, being asked the same question in as many times in one day, after what Mito-san had said and the events that played out—he was more than okay. He didn’t know to articulate that, how to express it, should he cry? Smile? Laugh hysterically? There was something inside of him that felt incredibly overwhelmed with joy and love and he didn’t know what to do with it. So he breathed to try and relieve the weight.

“Yeah, I’m okay, Gon.” He finally answered and when Gon reached his hand out, Killua twined their fingers and they joined their overzealous sister for an afternoon at the port. Alluka going nuts on any brightly colored dress she found while Killua couldn’t help but buy up every single piece of chocolate confection he could find. Gon continuously used his ‘you have to do what I want’ on Killua all that day which included making Killua eat food from Gon’s hands and then allowing Gon to be a doting boyfriend by buying his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s little sister lunch, and allowing Gon to be incredibly hands-on with PDA. Killua complained the entire day.

But Killua secretly loved every single second.

When they arrived back at their home, Mito-san was lighting the candles on a two tier homemade chocolate cake for Killua, everyone sitting around him as they sang--Alluka being the loudest. Killua hesitated before blowing out his candles, knowing he had to make a wish beforehand but he felt he already had everything he wished for. He made one anyway, looking at Gon’s bright and shining eyes.

_I wish we could keep this. For the rest of our lives._

17 candles blew out and the room went dark.

“Yay, onii-chan! Let’s eat!” Alluka cheered and began to hand plates to Mito-san as she cut slices, giving the first and largest slice to Killua then going around the table to her other two children. Gon snuck a quick kiss on the cheek while Killua had a mouthful of double chocolate cake and the boy sputtered, blushing as Mito-san was just beside him though she said nothing. He swore he saw one side of her mouth quirk up but turned away before she could catch him staring.

They retired to their rooms after, Killua sparing one last glance at the half cake Mito-san was putting away.

_I will be back for you, oh yes, I will._

Killua sighed happily, undressing to get ready for bed and slipping under the covers and Gon walked in their room to join him.

“Nee-” Gon was interrupted by a shrill ring, emitting from the phone beside Killua’s side on his nightstand. He picked up the beetle, giving it a wary glance before his eyes widened at the caller ID.

“Leorio?”

“Happy Birthday, squirt!” Leorio’s voice came through loud enough for even Gon to hear.

“I’m taller than you.”

“Wh-I-That’s debatable, stop being a little shit!” Killua could almost see the steam coming from Leorio’s ears and the pinched face he likely had.

Killua chuckled. “Thanks, Leorio.”

“So, where are you spending your 17th birthday? Don’t tell me, you’re at some grand waterfall that is historical because great warriors used to train there before. Or-or, you’re at a festival for some famous flower picking tradition--”

“Now, who’s being a little shit?” Killua threw Leorio’s words from earlier back at him.

It was Leorio’s turn to laugh.

“No, actually, I’m uh… I’m on Whale Island.” Killua spoke with hesitance, knowing Leorio’s reaction.

“Whale Island…? Isn’t that—wait--”

“Yes, I’m with Gon. Shut up—hey!” Killua yelled and began fighting for control of his own phone as Gon became too impatient, excited to speak to Leorio after so long. “Wait! You can talk to him after I’m--”

“Just put him on speaker!” Gon griped, hands still on the phone.

“No, wait--” Killua argued, trying to pull it back without splitting it in half.

“You have to do what I say tonight!” Gon countered and Killua glared.

“…..Damnit.” Killua sighed and put his phone in the middle of their bed, pressing the button for speaker. “There, happy?”

“Mm! Hi, Leorio! It’s me, Gon! And Killua, we put you on speaker!”

“H-hey, Gon! How are you, kid? It’s been a while..” Leorio felt like his throat was closing from the onslaught of emotion.

“Better now that Killua and Alluka-chan are here!” Gon smiled beside Killua, leaning into him.

“Heh, I’m sure.” Leorio’s voice held something suspicious and Killua knew it was about the comment Gon made about feeling since Killua was there. _He doesn’t know I already told him, ha, baka!_ “What have you crazy kids been up to, anyway? How’s Alluka? The medication treating her well, Killua?”

“Medication..?” Gon asked in a low voice and Killua shook his head to assure Gon it was nothing serious.

“Yeah, she gets occasional headaches but that’s about it. We’re fine, just here.” Killua summarized, not keen on giving anymore detail.

“Why does Killua make it sound so boring? Nee, Leorio! Me and Killua are dating and he’s agreed to stay here on Whale Island with me! I’m going to get him to meet Ging soon!” Gon was nearly falling over himself, excited to gab to Leorio and Killua tensed.

“Wa-Wh-What!? You’re dating?!”

“Don’t make a big deal out of it!” Killua yelled.

“It is a big deal, Killua told me he loved me and I said it back.” Gon insisted.

“Oh dear god, please tell me you two are being safe.” Leorio felt like an exasperated parent.

“Don’t worry, Leorio, we haven’t done _that_ yet!” Gon reassured him with a smile.

 _No. No, no, no, no. No_!

“Great talking to you, Leorio, we gotta go, bye!” Killua hit the ‘end call’ button so many times he wondered if he broke it. “What the hell was that?!” He turned on Gon.

“What was what?” Furrowed brows, deep brown eyes.

“We haven’t done _that._ _ **Yet**_!?” Killua felt like he might have a panic attack right then and there, the idea of him and Gon being intimate in that way scared the shit out of him.

“Leorio was asking us about sex, right? He wanted to make sure we were using--”

“Woah, woah-hey-stop!” Killua jumped at Gon, using both hands to cover his mouth and falling on top of him. Gon blinked, raising his eyebrows and then proceeded to lick Killua’s palms. Killua immediately moved away, removing his hands.

“Has Killua never had sex?” Gon asked, with no sense of shame or decency and Killua blushed a deep deep red, going all the way to his ears.

“Have you!?” He turned the tables, not really expecting any kind of answer and feeling like someone kicked him when he did.

“Yes.” Gon said very matter of factly.

“W-what? With who!?” Killua didn’t really want to know, but he did. He really really did but he really really didn’t.

“I don’t think Killua really wants to--”

“Killua does—I do.” He groaned. He tried to tell himself it didn’t matter but his jealousy got the best of him.

“It was only one person. I-I thought he was very special to me, it’s the only reason why I did. I wouldn’t just have sex with anyone. But it was Omakage—Retz’s brother.” Gon looked away with this admission, not excited to talk about being with someone else in front of the person who currently had his heart and soul.

“Oh.”

_Yeah. I didn’t want to know.._

“I didn’t love him. Not the way I love Killua, I can’t explain how much I love Killua. But it fills me up, inside. I feel warm and happy and like I’ve got butterflies inside.” Gon reached to cradle Killua’s hands in his own. “He-he doesn’t matter anymore. I-the reason we ended things at all was because most of the time all I did was talk about Killua or talk about how much I missed Killua. Omakage got jealous and then--” He shrugged, “We ended things. That’s when I realized I was in love with Killua and not Omakage, that maybe I was just forcing Omakage into an empty space he never fit into. It was Killua. It was always Killua.” Gon blushed, paying attention to Killua’s fingers, how slender and pale.

“I’m not jealous—I mean, I am. I’m jealous, of course I’m jealous but I--” Killua swallowed hard, wrapping his hands around Gon’s. “I don’t think I’m ready to do that.”

“To have sex?”

“Y-yeah..” Killua suddenly felt very small in front of Gon, all of 17 years with less experience and knowledge than his counterpart.

“I’m not expecting Killua to have sex with me, that’s not why I’m with Killua! I can wait, I don’t care about that, at all! I love being with Killua as we are, now!” Gon wrapped his arms around Killua and the silver haired boy let out a deep breath. “We don’t have to, I’ll never pressure Killua. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do.” He pulled back to smile and then pecked the tip of his nose.

“Ba--” Killua had to stop himself, gritting his teeth at the insult he had managed for so long not to hurl at the boy he was in love with. Gon seemed to catch on easily enough.

“Why doesn’t Killua call me that anymore?”

“I-I can’t. Ever since we had that fight a few months ago--” He shook his head at the memory, he vowed after lashing out with such disgusting words and malicious intent that he would never say that to Gon again, even in jest. “I don’t want to call you that, anymore.”

“I’ll never be unhappy with Killua not wanting to do something. Okay?” Gon reassured him, resting his forehead against his boyfriend’s. Killua smiled gratefully, still in awe to this day at the boy before him. They separated after that, Gon rolling to his side of the bed and getting comfortable while Killua stared at him with soft eyes. Admiring, grateful, loving.

"N-nee, Killua..?" Gon called, hesitation in his voice.

"Hmm?" He replied absentmindedly, brows furrowing when Gon didn’t reply immediately, watching as he hid his face behind his hands. "What's wrong?"

"Y-you never--I don't get goodnight kisses from you!" And Killua saw then nothing was truly wrong, Gon lowered his hands, showing his smiling face looking near on the verge of laughing.

Killua smirked.

"Oh yeah?" He granted Gon his full attention, crawling over his side of the bed and slowly making his way until he hovered above Gon. He didn’t want sex but he was okay with this, the kissing and teasing and enjoying themselves.

"Y-yeah.." Gon was blushing, smile beaming, knowing Killua would give him exactly what he wanted--not that Killua minded a bit. But Killua loved to watch Gon squirm--loved knowing that he was the one who made Gon react that way so he stared intently into Gon's eyes and held himself above his body, Gon acquiesced, beginning to fidget.

Killuaa!" He whined, raising his arms to reach Killua but the silver haired boy shook his head and slid his hands to Gon's elbows, pressing his arms back into the bed and away from him. He watched as Gon swallowed hard, his tongue sliding over his lips and breath hiking.

Killua lowered his head and rained kisses down upon Gon. His neck and collarbones, causing him to giggle and stir, his jaw and the apple of either cheeks that ferociously blush. His forehead and a wet trail down his nose. Anywhere and everywhere besides his lips, where Gon wanted him most. "Is that enough?" Killua teased, his eyes sparkling.

"One more." Gon insisted in a quiet voice, eyes shining and skin a wonderful pink hue.

"Where?"

"Here." He tried to lift his head but Killua scooted quickly away.

"Where?" He teased again, crawling back up.

"L-lips! My lips!" Gon could have died.

Killua chuckled but moved forward again and landed a single kiss upon Gon's lips. It was more chaste than the others they've shared, slower as they understand there was no need for urgency. It was cherished.

Killua pulled back, a smile on his face and a heart fuller than he'd ever felt before. The teenager below him still had his eyes closed, his lips still slightly puckered

"Goodnight, Gon." Killua was smug as shit, falling over and lying beside the boy and smirking to himself.

Gon blinked his eyes in a semi-daze and gave his boyfriend an impish grin. "G-goodnight, Killua."

_Best. Birthday. Ever._


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone guess about the whole "killua thinks he has a royal flush" card analogy thing? No? Okay. Also, from here on out there's basically no more fluff for the rest of this story. ENJOY! P.S. Don't be afraid to leave questions/comments/critiques! Or pop over to my tumblr to ask questions, I REALLY LOVE interacting with you guys I promise! It's so incredible knowing people genuinely love this story! Or even if there's something about it you don't like, I'd still want to hear about it! Anyway okay bye!

If there was something Killua would never get tired of, it would definitely be waking up wrapped around his boyfriend. Killua’s face in the dark skinned boy’s hair and Gon’s head on his chest. Their bodies nestled together, with Gon's ankle hooked around his. For a moment he wondered if they weren’t one entity entirely as opposed to two different bodies.

The rattling of a doorknob and creak of a door opening interrupted his musings, looking up to see the sallow face of his sister, Nanika.

_What’s she doing, awake?_

“N-Nanika?”

“Onii-chan.” She whispered, considerate of Gon still sleeping beside her brother and she smiled. “Onii-chan c-can we, I--” She stalked her way to their bed and clumsily climbed around the blankets and pillows the boys had strewn around before falling beside Gon and stretching her arm to wrap around the two boys in some kind of Zoldyck sandwich. “G-Gon-kun said we would fish!” Her voice raised, a bit over excited at the prospect of learning how to catch and gut fish, a promise Gon had made to the younger girl one night they were all together.

“Gon’s still asleep, we’ll go--”

“Unh, I’m awake.” A voice announced from between the siblings and Killua looked down to find Gon with eyes wide open and a smile on his face.

_Sometimes it’s bizarre how Gon is always a damn morning person._

“Gon-kun! Good morning!” Nanika greeted with all the manners instilled in her over the years.

“Good morning, Nanika. So, you want to go fishing? You’re excited?” Gon prodded the girl, always eager to make her smile. And she obliged, nodding and smiling wide. “Mkay, let Alluka eat breakfast first and then we’ll go, yeah?” He bargained and Killua couldn’t help but be impressed with his ability to calm and convince Nanika to do as he said.

 _He learned from a master, obviously_ , he thought smugly. Nanika quickly left the young couple and Gon turned back to the silver haired boy, a sweet smile on his face.

“What?” Killua laughed, blushing under Gon’s gaze. Did he have something on his face?

“Killua has the best bed head.” Gon reached forward and ran his hands through the long hair and Killua laughed.

“I didn’t know you had a hair fetish, Gon.”

“I have an all-things-Killua fetish!” Gon replied and laughed, Killua sputtering beside him and swooped down to greedily take a morning kiss from Gon, not worried whatsoever about any kind of morning breath.

“Come on. You promised one of my sister’s a fishing lesson and she won’t let that go, you’ve already got her excited.” Killua pulled a lazy Gon from bed and both boys went through their morning routine, brushing their teeth side by side then Gon taking a morning shower (Killua was more of a night shower kind) and Killua choosing a decent outfit for Gon to wear while dressing himself, then breakfast with Mito-san and Alluka. They would clean the table together, putting away food and washing dishes, Mito-san giving them instructions to all behave then leave for work, leaving the teens to their own devices.

“Is she ready?” Killua asked when Alluka began tugging on her boots.

“Yeah, onii-chan, make sure my dress doesn’t get dirty? I really like this one and Mito-san left the rest of my clothes to hang!” Alluka whined, Killua rolled his eyes but nodded, promising his sister her favorite pink dress would return unscathed.

Gon poked his head out onto the porch before turning to Killua and calling for his attention “Nee, race me to the lake!” He challenged and then sped off, Killua watching for a few seconds before calling Alluka to jump on his back and working to catch up to the dark haired boy.

“That was shit, you cheated!” He yelled over the sound of the forest rushing past them while Alluka giggled on his back, wind whipping her hair around her face.

“I don’t know what Killua’s talking about!”

The boys laughed together, Killua catching up to Gon in no time even without his Godspeed. When they made it into the clearing, the boys argued over who won before Alluka called a tie. For a moment, Killua felt a sense of deja-vu, remembering the first time the boys had ever tied over anything and when he looked up to find Gon staring at him with soft eyes, he knew that Gon was remembering the same thing. They smiled at each other, Killua reaching for Gon’s hand and feeling warmth when they met palm to palm.

“Okay, so I think I put the lure in right? And I’ve got the extra worm guys over here, Gon-kun is this right!?” Alluka was fiddling with her fishing pole and the couple sat down beside her, Gon using one hand to ensure the lure and fix Alluka’s fingers holding the pole. “Okay, my job is done. Onii-chan, don’t forget about my dress!” Alluka departed, bringing forth Nanika and she sat with deep dark eyes wide in excitement as she wiggled the pole in her hands.

“A lot of this is waiting, Nanika. You might not catch it on the first try, okay?” Gon held one hand over Nanika’s, making sure she didn’t make any quick movements and hurt herself or anyone else.

“Mhm! Can I throw now?” She was already impatient to start.

“Mm!” Gon replied, helping her whip the pole back and swing forward, the lure landing with a soft ‘plop’ in the lake and they all waited, Nanika shaking her leg so hard in anticipation Killua was sure it would fall off.

“Nanika--”

“Eh!? O-onii-chan! Gon-kun! It’s moving! Look!” Nanika squealed in delight and the boys watched in utter shock and amusement as the line moved rapidly back and forth in the water, Gon jumped up, separating from Killua and guiding Nanika’s hands with his own on the handle.

“It’s okay, you caught one! Like this, see? Just reel it in! You got it, Nanika!” Gon spun her hand on the reel, pulling it back and a small blue fish raised from the waters, wriggling and gasping.

“What do we do!?”

“Just reel it in real close, like this.” Gon rolled her hand around the handle and the wiggling fish came closer. “Okay, now you have to take him off the lure, do you wanna do that Nanika?”

“G-Gon-kun, do it!” The girl stuttered, knowing she could make a mistake and harm herself or maybe even the fish.

Gon laughed, taking the rod from her and expertly removing the still moving fish as it flopped for a few more seconds before he placed it on the ground where it’s gills slowly contracted before drawing it’s last breath and shuddering.

“Dead?” Nanika whispered, dropping on all fours to examine the fish with wonder.

“Mm! Nee, do you want me to teach you how to gut it!?”

“Gut?”

“Mm! Like this--” Gon removed a knife from his back pocket, sliding underneath the fish’s body.

“Normally, we would first want to cut off the scales but this fish doesn’t have scales so we don’t have to worry about it. So we’re going to slice from the tail end here, see? And we’re going to go straight down to the gills which is right next to the head.” Gon proceeded to do just that and the fish slid open, like sticking a spoon in butter. Blood spread onto the grass in front of them and Gon inserted one finger inside the body of the fish “Then, we take out the entrails!” Gon began to pull out an array of organs and muscle—Killua had to stop himself from gagging while Gon was seemingly completely unfazed.

Nanika was interested. More than interested.

“Ooooh.” She cooed and set her hands on the organs Gon had pulled out, covering her fingers in blood.

Killua was stunned, afraid of what Gon would think of Nanika’s actions but was surprised to find that Gon wasn’t making a disgusted face or trying to grin and bare it. He almost looked pleased.

“This is the heart, Nanika. See how small it is? Do you want to hold it?” Gon picked a small deep red organ and raised his palm for his sister to see. Her black eyes widened and she smiled, using two fingers to pick the heart from Gon’s hand.

“Can I keep?” She asked excitedly, looking from her brother to Gon and back.

“You can but in a few days it could start to rot, it’ll smell and decompose. It won’t be pretty.” Killua tried to discourage, he wasn’t entire crazy about the idea of his sister having the heart of dead fish but if it was what she wanted.. He couldn’t bring himself to stop her.

“Heart, onii-chan!” She showed him, using two hands to cup the small thing.

“It is.” He nodded, smiling fondly at her. Nanika laughed, opening a pocket in the front of her dress and gently setting the fish’s heart inside to keep as her treasure and Killua fought off the urge to cringe at how loud Alluka would scream about blood stains in her favorite pink dress.

_Mito-san will take care of it..._

“Do you want to keep going, Nanika? I can show you the stomach and the liver!”

Nanika nodded, excited at the prospect of getting a Biology lesson and Killua couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head as he forced himself to turn away from the pair.

Gon was perfect, so perfect. No matter what was thrown at him, he took it all in stride. He taught a squeamish Alluka how to fish, and Nanika what the entrails of a dead sea creature looked like with a smile on his face.

_Too good, he’s too perfect. God, I’m in love with this moron._

Killua knew they had settled in for possibly another long day in the forest, Nanika loved to adventure out here and Gon was always eager to please, teaching her how to climb small trees or which berries were good to eat and which were poisonous, they’d stay out until they heard Mito-san calling them in for dinner. He sighed, wandering off into the forest as Gon talked excitedly with Nanika, knowing she was safe in his care and going to gather wood for a fire they would likely build later.

Killua had wandered off a few miles from where he knew Nanika and Gon to be, collecting a decent amount of kindle when he felt a bizarre sensation. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Like someone… was watching him. Someone powerful. He used his En to detect anyone within a 2 mile radius and felt ice form in his heart when an incredibly powerful and malicious Nen could be felt. He broke out into a sweat, doing his best to act normal as possible, a million thoughts rushing through his head, mainly about Gon and Nanika and if they were okay. If he could lead this malicious entity further away from them. Or if he could distract said entity.

He waited with bated breath, hair standing on end from his neck to his arms as the stranger crept closer to him. He had to be calm, act as if anything was expected and act accordingly, he could not act rashly and put anyone in danger or alert this person to the presence of more than just him.

“Do you know I’ve been following you since you left Heaven’s Arena, young Killua?” The voice sang and chuckled, Killua felt his heart drop into his stomach. He felt nauseous.

“What do you want, asshole?” Killua dropped his kindling, turning to face the one person he definitely hadn’t expect to hear from again. A man with red hair and clown’s make up.

“Now, now. Is that any way to greet a friend?” Hisoka almost had the audacity to feign being hurt by Killua’s words.

“Gon’s not here, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Killua replied in a bored tone and shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets.

_What if I just killed him right here? Could I?_

“Ah, what a pity. Point me in the right direction would you, Zoldyck?” Hisoka had a glint in his eye and it took all of Killua’s strength not to charge him right then and there. Hisoka was stronger than many he had fought before, this wasn’t a time to act reckless.

“Over my dead fucking body.” He hissed.

“Killu, you aren’t quite who I want. I’ve had my eye on your lover for years, now. Don’t rain on my parade.” And Hisoka pouted, truly pouted and Killua didn’t bother biting back his disgust.

_Lover? Fucksake.._

Killua did not reply.

“Maybe I should ask dear old Mito-san, I’d rather not. She’s very weak, such a fragile young woman.” He huffed dramatically, Killua bit his tongue.

“You followed us from Heaven’s Arena just to fight Gon?”

_How could I have been so careless? How could I have not realized?? Had I truly let my guard down enough that I allowed someone dangerous to follow us?!_

“Well, I was hoping to meet him at Battle Olympia but you, young Killua, your presence ruined everything. Put quite a damper on all my plans. Gon’s so strong now--” Hisoka moaned, licking his lips and quivering. “Fruit just ready to fall off the vine.” He bit his lip and Killua cringed, enraged by the sheer perversion of the man before him.

_You’ll never fucking touch Gon!_

“You’re not going near Gon.”

_I’ll never allow it._

“Killua, if it was so easy for me to find you here what’s to stop Illumi from visiting the island and asking around for you two boys? Paying a visit to dear old mom and prodding for information? You know what Illumi is capable of, he’s like a dog with a bone. Once he latches onto your scent, he will come running.” Hisoka teased and Killua grit his teeth, imagining Illumi torturing Mito-san for information even though it would all be for naught.

_No. No, they won’t touch her! I’ll kill them, I’ll fucking kill them both!_

“If you tell Illumi--”

“I won’t if you tell me where Gon--”

“Fight me!” He yelled, at his end with the bullshit Hisoka was putting him through. He couldn’t fight him head on, not only was there a chance he would lose but any disruption would alert Gon and he couldn’t allow that. He had to divert Hisoka’s tastes.

Hisoka blinked, tilting his head to size up the teenager before him.

“I’m stronger than him. I’m stronger than Gon and we both know it, I can take you on. I can do more damage than a single punch.” His breathing hiked, feeling adrenaline course through his veins as he spoke of the fight, knowing and willing to kill Hisoka if he had to. “Leave Gon alone, he’s weak. You get off on power, don’t you?” He had to up sell himself, he thought with disgust, he had to prove he was more worth it than Gon, it was the only way to distract the red haired man. “I have more, Gon’s a throwaway, he’s nothing. Barely regaining his Nen and using the same techniques he had before, it’s child’s play! Fight me! I’m worth your while, asswipe!” Killua bit out.

Hisoka regarded him quietly for a few moments and Killua knew Hisoka was determining his strength. Seeing if he was all Killua talked himself up to be and weighing his options. Hisoka took one step forward and Killua brought forth his Nen, electricity surging all around him, hair sticking towards the sky, the ground below him caved in from the sheer impact of his energy moving to cover his whole body, Hisoka’s eyes widened and he paused before they slipped into slivers and he smirked. Killua’s hands balled into fists and his power reached further, Nen pushing out several feet in front of him caving in more ground and his aura clung in a ball, static surging.

Hisoka chuckled, looking pleased as the cat who ate the canary—Killua being the canary. Hisoka licked his lips slowly and moaned, “Ohhh!” Hisoka moaned, body vibrating and licking his lips. “Sweet, so sweet! Killua, when I kill you Gon will be so enraged he’ll come for me! And Illumi, mmm, Illumi won’t be able to keep his hands off me after seeing his dead brother’s body!” Hisoka laughed.

“I won’t be the one who’s dead.” Killua grit his teeth.

“I do indeed appreciate someone with so much heart. I can’t wait to rip it out of you.” Hisoka looked truly aroused, _sick psycho!_

“I ask for one condition before we do this.” Killua tried his best at a calm voice.

“Mm?” Hisoka smirked.

“3 months. I need 3 months to prepare.”

_Time. I need time to prepare things.._

“Ah, you’ll make me wait then?” Hisoka’s hand went to cup his chin in thought.

“Wouldn’t time make it sweeter for you, anyway?”

_He was willing to wait for Gon all these years.._

“3 months, Killua.” Hisoka sang.

“Hey. During that time, you won’t come near me or Gon. You’ll stay away from us, you’ll leave this island entirely. I’ll meet you at the Zoldyck Mansion, if you can get past the doors, past my butlers then I’ll meet you head-on. Do you understand?” Killua’s words came out more of a threat.

“Mmm! You’re making this sound so fun for me, Killua! Are you the mouse while I the cat?” Hisoka licked his lips, releasing some of his bloodlust and Killua’s Nen reacted violently to it.

_God! Fucking.. Pervert.. Fucking fuck!_

“Give me your word!” He yelled, he wouldn’t put it past Hisoka to become impatient and try something else.

“It is given, then.”

Killua turned his switch on, his aura darkening and power surging, contracting.

“Leave. Immediately. Don’t stick around for any bullshit. Trust me when I tell you that I’ll be watching you this time and if you make a move towards here, I’ll fucking kill you on the spot.” His words were lethal.

Hisoka smirked, turning away and walking back the way he came whistling a jaunty tune. Killua waited until he was out of his Nen range to power down, collapsing to his knees and gasping. The aura he amounted was incredible strength and had tired himself out more than he thought it would. He grit his teeth hard enough he thought his jaw would break.

_I only lasted that long!?! That’s not enough for Hisoka! Fuck! Goddamnit! I need to be stronger, to take him on I need to be able to hold my strength forever. He’ll never touch them! He’s never touching them!_

Killua slammed his fist into the ground, the dirt caving in and he punched through several layers of ground, though he was unsatisfied that his frustration still mounted he pulled his dirtied hand from the ground and fell backward, sitting on his feet with knees underneath him. He took several deep breaths, figuring out his next moves and feeling his heart protest in earnest.

He would have to leave Gon, immediately. Not only would he have to leave Gon but he would leave Alluka behind, as well. If there was even a small possibility of Hisoka winning—if he didn’t make it back—he had to make sure Alluka and Nanika were guarded. That they were safe. To do so, he would have to go home, back to Kukuroo Mountain. He would have to convince his family that Nanika was not only _not a threat but entirely useless._ 3 months would be just enough time needed, he would convince them he was coming home to be heir and his first act would be leaving the entirety of Whale Island and its occupants alone. Once they saw Nanika had someone who watched over her on the secluded island, they would hopefully change their minds and everyone—including Illumi would no longer be an issue.

He would meet the Devil he sold his soul to, after.

Killua did not want to die. But he was practical and knew that in sheer experience with difficult fighters, Hisoka was ahead of him. All sides had to be considered, even if it was his death.

The teenager took a huge breath, falling forward and yelling as loud as he could.

_Why!? Why can’t we have something good last!? Why can’t we have this normal life!?_

He yelled until his throat was raw and panted against the dirt, tears springing to his eyes and falling. He did not allow himself the chance to sob, deciding instead to mask it. He would turn everything he felt _off._ It was the only way he knew to deal.

Killua picked himself up from the ground and began to sluggishly make his way to where he had left Gon and Nanika before. Each step felt like wading through mud, he was dreading the things he’d have to tell Gon to get away from him. Gon would not let go easily, he would put up a fight, he would kick and scream and do everything he could to make Killua stay. It was then Killua decided to make arrangements to make his staying near impossible, he pulled out his phone and dialed a number he hadn’t dialed in years.

“Zodyck Estate, this is Gotoh.” A familiar voice answered and Killua felt a slight pang in his heart at hearing the butler’s voice.

“G-Gotoh, it’s--”

“Young Master Killua, what service may I be of for you, sir?”

“I uh, I--” Killua swallowed and licked his lips, feeling like everything was going dry. “I need you to book me a flight, just me. Tell mother and father I’m coming home.”

_Make a scene, make it official. I’ll sign over my life, my soul—for them._

“And where would you be flying out from, sir?”

“Yorknew, make arrangements immediately. For the next few days, if you could. I’ll contact you in a few hours so we can confirm.”

“As you wish, Young Master Killua.”

Killua pocketed his cell phone, making it a few more steps before the crunch of leaves alerted him to the presence of two people. His body tensed and he paused in his tracks.

“Killua!” Gon yelled, Alluka behind him as she panted with a worried look on her face. “Wh-where were you? We heard someone yelling, are you okay? What happened?” Gon wrapped his hands around Killua’s elbows, holding him at a distance so as to take every part of him in and sighing when he was satisfied that Killua was unharmed. “Killua’s okay!” He smiled to himself, wrapping his arms around Killua and the boy relaxed against him.

_Oh Gon, you don’t know…_

“Onii-chan..” Alluka called, her face still scrunched in worry as she was not so easily convinced the way Gon was. She reached out for her brother and he stepped out of Gon’s hold to wrap his arms tightly around his sister. Not knowing if this would be one of the last times he ever would.

 _For them,_ he told himself _. For them, I will protect them, I will save them._

_But how do I do this? How?_

“Onii-chan, what’s wrong?” Alluka pressed, pushing hands against her brother’s chest so she could look him in the eyes, eyes she knew better than anyone because they were so similar to her own. Killua smiled, sadly at his young sister and she opened her mouth to speak but he interrupted her.

“Let’s go home, yeah? We’ll talk there.” Killua spared a glance behind him to the teenage boy he loved who wore the same expression Killua’s younger sister did. The trek back was rife with tense silence, the earlier good mood dissipated entirely.

Gon tried to test the waters, reaching his hand out the way the boys often did when they wanted that physical connection but Killua pointedly ignored it, staring only straight ahead of him and Gon huffed in anger, snatching Killua’s hand rougher than he intended to. It jostled the silver haired boy enough to make him turn, an apologetic smile on his face though it didn’t reach his eyes.

“S-sorry.” Killua apologized, flexing his fingers around Gon’s and allowing himself these last treasures. He had thought at first that no intimate contact would be best but Gon was so used to their constant connection that anything but would seem unnatural. Killua eyed the front porch of their quaint house with trepidation, he didn’t want to walk inside because it meant he would have to tell them. Not the full story, of course, Gon would surely insist they fight Hisoka head on and even Killua thought of it himself before but it was too dangerous. One of them would run the risk of losing their lives and there was no way in Hell that Killua would ever relive that night again nor would he wish that upon Gon.

So, he would edit his story. Tell the parts most important and make them let him go. Alluka might be easier, he figured, he was her guardian after all. And she knew that he did everything for her so she, of anyone, would understand more easily.

Gon was the challenge.

It was why Killua called Gotoh so soon, he could say his piece and perhaps stay the night before leaving early the next morning. He knew the port’s schedule well enough, even if he had to be dropped off at several different islands, he would make it to Yorknew and fly from there.

He would do it, though. He would make Gon let him go, no matter what he had to do or say. He was prepared.

“Gon, let me talk to my sister in private. I’ll meet you in our room?” Killua suggested and Gon nodded with a blank gaze, turning up the stairs to wait for his lover to meet him. Killua sighed, rubbing a hand over his face as he led his sister to their living room, he sat next to her on the couch and took her hands in his.

“Onii-chan?”

“I need you not to freak out because onii-chan’s got this under control. But there’s a possibility Illumi may know our location.” Killua wasn’t entirely lying, Hisoka could have told Illumi already or maybe he wouldn’t at all. Still, it was a card he’d play.

Alluka gasped, making to pull away before squeezing her big brother’s hands in fear. “H-how? What happened after you left?”

“I.. I received a call from someone, I’ve had someone keeping an eye on Illumi for me and they think he could be getting suspicious.” The lies flew right off his tongue without much hesitance and the weight of it made him feel sick. “I won’t let him near you, though. He’ll never harm you or Nanika, no one will. I swear to you. The both of you.” And this, Killua could at least grant himself some peace knowing this wasn’t a lie. He would do everything for his sister’s. Alluka’s eyes began to tear up, lower lip beginning to quiver and Killua’s heart broke at the sight like it always did. He pulled her into his arms and held on tightly. Maybe it would be easier now that he wouldn’t have to look her in the face with his admission. “I have to leave, Alluka. Tomorrow, at the latest--”

“Onii-chan! No! W-where are y-you going!?” She sobbed, trying to pull back and look her brother in his face but he held strong.

“I’m going to end this. I don’t know exactly how but—I’m going back to Kukuroo Mountain, I’m leaving you here with Gon--”

“G-Gon-kun? Why wouldn’t you take him!?” She yelled into his chest.

“Because, Alluka, I need someone here to protect you and Nanika. If something--” And Killua had to stop himself short, then, knowing he had just admitted too much when his sister shook her head furiously against him and began to cry harder.

“No! N-no! Don’t go, don’t say that onii-chan! Why!? Please! Please don’t go, I don’t want you to go!”

_Fuck.. Fuckfuckfuck!_

“I’m sorry, I-I’ll be back, okay? I just don’t want anything to happen to you or Nanika and Gon coming with me wouldn’t convince them of anything, in fact, it could tell them something, instead. I can’t run that risk.”

“I haven’t been without onii-chan...” Alluka sniffled and whined against him, tears and snot leaking onto his shirt.

“You’ll still have Gon. He’s as much apart of me as you are. Nothing’s going to happen, okay? I’ll leave and be back before you know it.” He pulled back from her, cradling her face in his hands, swiping away errant tears with his thumbs.

“H-how long?” She stuttered.

“3, maybe 4 months..”

_If I make it back, at all._

“That’s so long, onii-chan. I-I don’t want you to go. This is stupid! Why won’t they leave us alone!?” She shut her eyes, tears flowing again.

“I’m sorry, Alluka.” Killua held his sister in his arms, gently rocking her back and forth to try and comfort her. He felt rocks in his stomach, even though this was probably the easiest goodbye in terms of acceptance, it still hit him like a punch to the stomach—knocked the air out of him and made him feel like he couldn’t breathe. “I’ll be back, I promise. I wouldn’t leave you.”

And he hoped his words would ring true.

Alluka slowly pulled back, staring up at her silver haired sibling and frowning. “Onii-chan will call me and text me all the time! You’ll be back as soon as you can be!” She commanded of him and he smiled softly in return.

“As you wish, Alluka.” He kissed her forehead and held her again, making himself more present in this moment than any other, a dark road was ahead of him and he didn’t want to forget this. The way his sister’s hugs felt or the way her heart beat so wildly in her chest, he would need these memories in times of darkness.

“Onii-chan has to tell Gon..” Alluka whispered against him.

“I do..”

“I don’t think he’ll take it like I did, onii-chan.”

“Yup.” He sighed, standing to stretch, “I know.”

“I love you, onii-chan. I know I don’t say it a lot but I do.” She reached for his hand and held tight, taking deep breaths to calm herself. Killua would do anything and everything in the world for her and she knew it, even though this was something she didn’t want and didn’t understand, she knew her older brother would take care of it and make sure her and Nanika were safe just as he said.

“I love you, too. Even though you’re a giant pain in my ass.” He bent to kiss her wet cheek and she smiled against him.

“Would you have it any other way?”

“Not a chance.”

The siblings held each others’ gaze before Alluka sighed, standing up from the couch and making her way upstairs to her room.

“We should all spend the night together, onii-chan.” Her voice flitted at the top of the stairs to the hallway before she opened her bedroom door and closed it.

_One last night.._

Killua slowly made the trek upstairs, making sure to take one step at a time so as to prolong the inevitable but was let down when it took less than two minutes from the bottom of the stairs to the closed door of his and Gon’s shared bedroom.

 _So many memories already here.. No_ , he told himself, _I’m not going to think like this!_

He gripped the doorknob and turned it with determination, his mind and body losing all of it as he walked in to find Gon on their bed with his knees hugged to his chest, simply waiting. When Killua came into view, Gon looked up with a worried gaze and immediately pulled Killua down beside him.

“I heard Alluka-chan crying.” Gon spoke in a low voice.

“Yeah, she does that a lot.” Killua deadpanned, not sure how to get the words he needed out.

“Don’t make a joke out of this, Killua.”

Killua almost couldn’t go through with it, looking at Gon as he was now.. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to fight Hisoka, he didn’t want to con his family, he didn’t want to be the head of anything.

What he did want was to stay here with Gon. With their small family.

“I-I’m leaving..”

“Where?” Furrowed brows, lips pulled down in a frown.

“I have to go back home to Kukuroo Mountain.” Hands in pockets, hair in his face while he looked away.

“Killua. Tell me what happened in the forest.”

_Tell you...? Tell you!? No, Gon, I never could._

_Edit. Just edit._

“Our lives have been threatened, all of us. I need to leave immediately to make sure you guys are safe--”

“That’s bullshit.” Gon interrupted, eyes with a new fire inside them.

“Gon--”

“No. No, don’t ‘ _Gon_ ’ me! If all of our lives are threatened then we fight it together! If you leave, then we all do!”Gon argued with fervor, voice raising.

“That’s not happening, I need you here to keep Alluka and Nanika safe!”

“You can’t ask me to stay behind while you go off on some damn suicidal mission!”

_Suicidal…?_

“I’m not asking you to stay behind, I’m telling you that I’m leaving Whale Island alone!”

 _Just let it go, I don’t want this to go on._.

“I’ll follow you.” And Gon spoke with absolute finality.

“Goddamnit, stop! You won’t, you won’t follow me, Gon! For fuck sake please listen to me! For once, I need you to listen to me! Illumi could be right on our backs and he’ll kill anyone who gets in his way! Me, you, Mito-san—anyone to get what he wants! And that’s Alluka! I’m never letting him near you, Gon. I’m never letting him near anyone but to stop him I have to do things my way! This isn’t up for discussion, I’ve already made the decisi--”

“Killua’s already made the decision?! That’s shit! That’s bullshit! It’s me and you, now Killua! What happened to doing things differently, huh!? Mr. Now-We-Have-A-Map?! Didn’t I say that we’re stronger together than we are apart!? What the hell is wrong with Killua!” Gon spat and Killua flinched at his tone, gritting his teeth.

“This is Zoldyck business anyway, it’s none of your concern!”

Gon blinked tears away, face contorting in pain as if Killua struck him. “Zoldyck business!? Are you--”

Killua knew this shouting match was getting them nowhere, if it went on further they would say things they didn’t mean. He didn’t want one of his last encounters with Gon to end this way so he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gon, remembering the way their bodies felt so closely pushed together, storing it away. Gon froze, arms hanging at his sides.

“I love you, Gon. I love you and Alluka, I love Nanika and Mito-san, I love this island and all the stupid fish, I love the way the port smells. For years me and my sister’s were running, just running with no sense of direction but then you gave us a home. _A home_ , Gon!” Killua tightened his hold around Gon, burying his face in his neck and Gon gave in, arms wrapping around Killua’s back. “I love this home, I want it to come back to. But there are things out of my control that want to take this away from me and I can’t let it happen. Somebody is threatening the gift you gave me and I’m so afraid to lose it! I can stop it, I know I can stop it but I need you to let me, please! Stop fighting me, stop fighting back! Do you think I want to leave you? I don’t! But if we both leave then we run the risk of someone hurting my sister’s or even Mito-san—our family! I’ve made a plan and I just—I need you to follow it through with me. Please.” He sighed, shoulders sagging as he realized he told Gon the truth about the way he felt. Admitting these realizations was difficult.

Gon sighed, speaking after several moments of silence. “T-tell me what we’re going to do, Killua. How are we going to keep our family safe?”

Killua sighed in relief, stepping out of Gon’s hold and sitting on their bed with legs crossed, Gon followed suit.

“If I don’t stop my family, Illumi will always be a problem. So here’s my plan, I’m going to con my family. I’m going to go home and be the dutiful prodigal son who runs the business, I’ll set the rules. I won’t tell them where you or Alluka are but I will tell them she’s in the presence of someone I trust, someone who monitors all of her movements. We’re going to make them believe Nanika isn’t a threat, we’re going to make them believe Nanika’s ability is now entirely useless. This will take time--”

“How much time?”

“At best? 3 to 4 months.”

“3 to—Killua!” Gon looked at Killua with wide eyes, a disbelieving look.

“Stop. I know. Look, there’s just no other way now pay attention. I’m going to be whatever they want me to be for the first few weeks but after that? I’m going to ruin it, I’m going to burn it down. I’m going to fucking tarnish the Zoldyck name, they’ll be forced to kick me out of position and hopefully put someone else in the seat, Illumi perhaps.” Killua sighed.

“What makes you think Illumi won’t change his mind about Nanika and come after us, anyway?”

“If Illumi thinks Nanika is utterly useless, perhaps she can’t make wishes anymore, if he thinks she’s not valuable then he’ll immediately lose interest. The trick of it all is convincing him. If I’m head, I have seniority—which means control—over him. That should be enough to reign him in while I lay more groundwork--”

“Killua--” Gon interrupted, placing his hand on top of the others. “Going back and being head of the business means you’ll kill people again, won’t it?”

Killua sighed, shoulders sagging. “Y-yeah. That’s inevitable.”

“And Killua—Killua’s okay with it?”

“No, I’m not. But I don’t see another way around--” Killua was at his wit’s end, why couldn’t Gon just stop asking questions!?

“You haven’t even asked me if I had a plan!”

_Gon? A plan for this? HA!_

“You don’t, Gon. Not one that I’d like to hear anyway.” Killua raked his fingers through his hair, pulling at the ends in frustration with his boyfriend.

“W-why not!?” Gon shouted and Killua cringed.

“Because it would likely involve you and I need to do this alone.”

“Killua...” Gon whined and Killua shook his head.

“No.”

“H-how does Killua know he won’t get manipulated by Illumi again!? What if he puts needles inside of Killua!?” Gon began gesturing with his hands in agitation.

“He won’t. I know about them, now. He knows I’ll be aware of him.” _I just have to be more on my toes, Hisoka following us was all my fault!_

“This plan is dangerous..” Gon shook his head, sighing.

“This plan is all we’ve got, I’ve already made the travel arrangements necessary.” Killua crossed his arms and shrugged, not looking at the boy next to him.

“Killua… Wasn’t even going to talk to me about this?” Gon’s voice fell off and Killua could hear the hurt inside, he grit his teeth.

“If I did, I know what you would say, Gon! You would talk me out of it and I can’t. Our lives are at stake and I can’t--” Killua groaned, feeling a his head begin to ache. “This is the plan. It’s the smartest play, even if I don’t like it, this is the deck we have on hand. I’m not endangering my life by doing this--”

“No, you’re just trading it for ours!”

“Gon, please..” Killua pleaded, sighing in resignation, he was tired of this back and forth already.

“Please what?” Gon fell forward, cradling Killua’s face in his hands. “Please, what Killua?”

“Let me go.”

Gon’s eyes narrowed and he sneered, letting his hands slip from the other boy’s face. “H-how can you say that!? How can you ask me to do that—don’t--” Gon shook his head, trying to understand but _not._

“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.”

“Killua..” Gon’s voice cracked, Killua knew his lover was possibly near seconds from crying and he couldn’t watch it, couldn’t let it happen knowing it was his fault, that he was the reason.

“Look, if you can’t deal with this, I’ll pack my stuff right now and stay at a hotel overnight. Either way the decision has been made, you can either deal with it--”

“How can you be so cruel about this!?” Gon yelled, feeling truly affronted.

“I don’t know what you want me to say to you! I don’t know how make this all better, I just know what I have to do so let me fucking do it!” Killua yelled back, so far away from where he wanted to be.

“I don’t want to!”

“This isn’t your choice!? I’m doing what’s best for all of us--”

“Not for me and you!” Gon argued.

“Yes, for me and you! You know what? You’re being so fucking incredibly selfish--”

“Because I don’t want Killua to disappear?!”

“That’s not what I’m doing!”

“Isn’t it!? Why isn’t this more important to you? What we have!?”

_He can’t be fucking serious..?!_

“If you think for one second that you don’t mean the entire fucking world to me then you’re delusional!”

And at this Gon calmed slightly, eyes boring into his silver haired counterpart’s and Killua sighed, shaking his head.

“No more. No more fighting, no more arguing, Gon. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that something had to come in and ruin this perfect little slice of life we have but it’s done. I’ll come back, I promise I will but can we drop this now? I don’t want to talk about it, anymore. Just be with me. We’ll stay with each other tonight, please.”

“I love Killua..” Gon sniffled and single tear finally did drop, Killua felt his heart break all over again.

“I know.” He whispered in reply and couldn’t resist the urge to tug Gon closer and embrace him.

“How am I supposed to sleep without Killua by my side?” Gon slowly ran his fingers through Killua’s hair the way he liked, sending shivers down his spine.

“I’m sure Alluka could keep you company?”

“Not the same. I’ll miss Killua.” Gon pulled on Killua’s hair lightly, alerting the Zoldyck of what he wanted and Killua pulled back from Gon to face him before both boys leaned close with eyes closed and lips met lips.

_I’m going to miss you, too. I’m going to miss this.._

“I’m going to keep you guys safe and then come home.” Killua whispered against Gon’s lips.

“Pinky swear it?” His other half replied and Killua had to stop himself from tensing, nervous this was something he wouldn’t be able to keep.

“O-okay..” He stuttered.

They pulled out their respective pinkies, locking them and singing the song all the while Killua feeling sick as dread filled him. He wanted to make it home. He hoped this wouldn’t be the last time he saw the people he loved.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoldyck fam! Also yes, things are going to get worse. No, nothing will go as planned. (Also this story should be done by the end of the week, posted chapters might be a little slow, I'm still working on the last two chapters. Stay tuned!)

“And you’ve packed everything? You have the lunches I packed you and that small first aid kit, water bottles. Oh! Where’s your sweat--”

“Mito-san, I’m wearing it.”

The woman with red hair and warm brown eyes sighed before smiling softly at they boy she had become familiar with and attached to over the months. She truly did feel he was one of her own and was sad to see him go, even sadder knowing it would affect her son.

“Right.” Mito-san gave a short laugh and wrapped the tall boy with silver hair in what could only be described as a ‘bear hug’. One that you’d feel in your bones even years later. Killua let out a small involuntary squeak and laughed, wrapping his arms around the small red haired woman he felt an immense gratitude toward. “We’ll take care of your sister but come back as soon as you can, Killua. You will be missed.” She said before sighing and pulling back to let him go and on his way. The Zoldyck gave her a meaningful smile and hiked his bag up higher on his shoulder, turning away to meet his sister and the boy he loved on their front porch.

“Ready, onii-chan?” Alluka turned to him with a small smile that she didn’t really mean.

“Yeah..” He replied, but he wasn’t. Not even a little bit. He stretched out his hand and was immediately met with warmth, the smile he gave Gon was his most honest one that morning.

The trio didn’t speak much as they walked away from their home, through the forest and down to the pier. They knew what was coming and it was painful for each of them, though Killua also shouldered shame and fear.

“I don’t want you to go, onii-chan.” Alluka said for what must have been the thousandth time, though her brother was not irritated at her for it.

“I know.” He whispered solemnly.

“Nanika doesn’t want you to go, either.” She pressed and Killua chuckled.

“You’re trying to guilt trip me into staying.”

“A little. Is it working, onii-chan?” Blue eyes so honest and open and loving staring back up at him.

“A little.”

The siblings laughed together, enjoying their last few moments of feeling simple joy. Alluka sighed, thumb going between her teeth and she raised her other arm to reach her brother and hug him tightly, trying her best not to cry. She would be strong, her strength and defense would no longer be there to do everything for her.

“I love you, little sister. I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise. Just do me a favor and stay safe, listen to Gon and Mito-san while I’m away. Okay?” Killua’s eyes bore into his younger sister’s.

“Okay, onii-chan...” She nodded, a sad smile on her face.

He had to go. Immediately. He couldn’t stay here for much longer or else he’d tell Hisoka to fuck himself and stay here on the island.

“Gon, do me a favor and keep my sister’s out of trouble. They’re your problem, now.” Killua joked, doing his best not to make eye contact with the boy he was in love with. It would break him.

“I’ll always keep Alluka and Nanika safe.” The voice came from behind Killua with no hesitance, no hint of being unsure.

Killua swallowed hard, squeezing his lover’s hand before abruptly turning away and walking as fast as his feet would take him off the island and on the plank towards the ship.

“Ki-Killua!” Gon yelled after him, feet thudding behind him before a hand yanked at his arm and he shut his eyes tight, allowing himself to be turned around. “What is Killua doing?”

“I-I can’t say goodbye to you, Gon. Not again. I--” Killua shook his head back and forth with fervor, they had done this before and it was more than just painful, he couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t say goodbye now, he didn’t want to.

“I don’t like it when Killua walks away like that!” Gon insisted, hand still firm on his arm.

“Okay..”

“Killua, look at me.” Pain. There was pain in Gon’s voice and Killua felt like if he wasn’t dying soon, maybe he would right then.

He slowly raised his head, facing the one person he didn’t really have the courage to.

“I-if you start crying Gon I swear to--”

Gon pulled him forward, Killua stumbling into his arms and suddenly found that he was the one whose eyes were stinging with tears.

“I’m not saying goodbye, this isn’t a goodbye. This isn’t a bye at all, this is an ‘I’ll see you soon’ and a ‘you better call me as soon as you can’. Okay?” Gon tried to comfort them both, arms wrapped tightly around the boy he loved with his whole heart.

“O-okay.” Killua nodded, tears falling without his permission down his cheeks and he heard Gon sniffle from beside him, it made his heart feel like something was wrapped around it and squeezing hard.

Gon squeezed Killua in a hug even Mito-san would be proud of before quickly letting him go and turning away, walking back down the plank to Killua’s younger sister.

“Hey kid! Let’s get a move on!” A gravelly voice yelled from above, snapping Killua out of his stupor and forcing him to move, again.

“U-uh yeah..” He whispered, more to himself than anyone else and forced his feet to move, forced himself to board the ship and not look back because if he did, he knew he would change his mind.

Killua spent the entirety of his trip replaying the night before he left, after Alluka had stumbled off to her bedroom and the lights went out in their own.

**X-X-X**

_Both boys were in their bed, cuddled up together as close as possible. Killua in his usual sleepwear of a pair of underwear while Gon preferred a sleep shirt added to his pajama set. Killua was spooning his dark skinned counterpart, comfortable in the warmth his body constantly generated, Killua’s chest to Gon’s back._

“ _Killua?” Gon called out into the darkness._

“ _Hmm?” Killua replied, while absentmindedly tracing shapes on Gon’s shoulder._

“ _I don’t want to sleep.”_

_Killua paused his ministrations, “Me either.”_

_Gon turned in Killua’s arms, the boys now face to face and noses touching. Only sounds in the room were their heartbeats and shared breaths._

“ _Will Killua call me?” Gon’s voice shook slightly, fear showing._

“ _Of course I will. I’ll call so much it might annoy you.” Killua leaned forward an inch to peck the boy’s lips._

“ _Killua could never annoy me.”_

“ _Really? Huh, that’s weird. You annoy me all the time.” Killua joked._

“ _Killuaa!”_

“ _Joking. Sort of. Maybe.” Teasing. Always teasing._

“ _I don’t want Killua to go.”_

“ _This isn’t something we should talk about, anymore.”_

“ _I don’t understand why we couldn’t have thought of a different plan! A better plan!”_

“ _Oh for the love of..” Killua groaned, rolling over and pinning Gon underneath him, knocking foreheads. “Can we please stop talking about this? Arrangements have been made, it’s done. My parents are expecting me home and so is Illumi. I can fight this--”_

“ _But Killua shouldn’t have to do it all alone!” Gon insisted._

“ _I-I’m not alone.” Killua sighed, “Gon, you’re the strongest person I know, one of the only people in the world I’ve ever trusted. Me leaving Alluka and Nanika in your care is the most important part of this plan. If I went back with them, if I was caught alone with them..” Killua shook his head, “I can only go through with this because I know it means I’ll be able to keep everyone away from you and my sister’s. I know that they’ll be taken care of and protected, I know that you love them just as much as I do.”_

“ _Of course, we’re a family.” Gon explained, softly._

“ _Exactly. And we’re both protecting this family, we just have different missions.”_

“ _Well when Killua puts it like that...”_

“ _Yeah, shut up!” He painfully rubbed his forehead against Gon’s-stubborn, stubborn Gon._

_Gon laughed beneath Killua, the act vibrating both of their bodies and Killua smiled at the feeling, he just liked it for some reason._

“ _It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop missing you.” Gon whispered._

“ _If you did I think we’d have a problem. I’d probably have to date someone my parents suggested.” Though Killua wasn’t sure his parents would ever do such a thing, anyway. It was funny to see Gon’s reactions._

“ _W-what? Killua wouldn’t!”_

“ _Relax! I won’t, I wouldn’t. Ever.” Killua nuzzled his nose against Gon’s before leaning down to kiss him briefly, pulling back to snort as a thought formed in his head, “You know I never pegged you as the jealous type, Gon.” He teased. Gon grunted, rolling the pair over again and allowing himself to rest on Killua’s chest, the silver haired boy laughed beneath Gon’s weight._

“ _I’m always jealous when it comes to Killua.”_

“ _You’re corny as shit, is what you are.”_

“ _Maybe. But it makes Killua smile.”_

“ _Goddamnit!”_ Corny. Corniest bastard I’ve ever known.

_Both boys laughed, feeling so incredibly at home and full of warmth and love, wrapped in the other’s embrace. It was difficult for them to believe this night would be the last they’d see of each other for months._

_For Killua, it took all of him not to break apart, believing it would be the last night ever._

No.. I can’t lose. I won’t lose. Hisoka is the last asshole that will take something from me!

“ _Gon..” He called from below his lover._

“ _Killua..” He replied and Killua could tell even in the dark that Gon was smiling bright, shiny, happy, loving._

_He pulled Gon up, unable and unwilling to stay away from lips he wanted most. They kissed for hours, whispering sweet promises in between and holding on like it was the last time they’d ever see each other again._

**X-X-X**

“Killua? I hadn’t expected you to come back around here.” Zebro stepped out from the small security office, head now completely bald and suit looking a little worse for wear. _Did he ever buy new ones?_

“I could say the same for you. Shouldn’t you be retiring, old man? Or are my parents going to work you until you’re food for Mike?” Killua quipped, masking his dread and his fear at being back.

“Not much on this old body to chew on, Mr. Zoldyck. Only thing that keeps me in shape are these doors.” Zebro laughed, voice gritty. Killua sighed, staring up at the testing doors and licking his dry lips. He swallowed, loudly. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it, Mr. Zoldyck?” Zebro’s voice barely reaching Killua, the sound of his own heart beating ringing loudly in his ears.

“Yeah..” Killua trailed off, steeling himself and making his way to the doors. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths before focusing his energy and pressing with all his might on the gates leading into his estate. At first, the gates barely creaked but Killua grit his teeth and pushed harder, the gates opened without much resistance. He realized after crossing through to the other side that he had, in fact, opened all 7 doors of the Zoldyck’s testing gates. Killua couldn’t help but feel smug for a fraction of a moment before realizing it only meant he was closer to the mansion.

Killua began making the trek up the pathway, knowing it would be some time before he reached the Zoldyck mansion, Mike eventually came up beside the teenager to join him and he pet the giant pet in greeting. He was not surprised, as he had been making sure he was more aware of his surroundings, when Canary stepped out from the shadows, cane in her hands.

“Master Zoldyck.” She nodded in respect to him.

“Where’s Gotoh?”

“At the butler’s quarters, Master Zoldyck.” She replied in a soft tone.

“You don’t have to call me Master.” Killua replied, _especially after all this time. I’m no one’s master._

“With all due respect, I have been hired by your family sir and you are my master.” Canary was unmoved and said near the exact same words to him as she had when he was a child, asking to be friends with the interesting new girl.

Killua sighed, hands scrubbing over his face. “Whatever. Everyone know I’m coming?”

“Your parents and Illumi await your arrival, if that’s what you mean to ask.”

“Even aniki, huh? Guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” He shrugged, walking forward and past the dark skinned girl who had evidently aged through the years. Legs longer, hair fuller, face less youthful, losing it’s roundness.

“Master Zoldyck..” She called after him and he turned to find her still in the spot he left her. “It’s nice to see you again, sir.”

He gave her a confused look before nodding and then moving on, though he felt her eyes on his back until he was well out of sight. Killua gave Mike one last good scratch before they parted, Mike going to his own small home and Killua to the looming 6 story mansion that made him begin to sweat. He swallowed, loudly before reaching to turn the knob and enter the foyer. _Everything looks exactly the same_ , he noted, with surprise.

Stairs dead center in the room, red rugs lined the floor plan, the same boring and expensive paintings on the walls. Killua remembered at that moment what Gon said to him on his birthday weeks ago, _everything was the same but him_.

“Master Zoldyck, if you please..” A butler he didn’t recognize appeared from the room on the far left, opening double doors to a tea room Killua’s mother insisted on having when she decided she wanted privacy—to do what, he didn’t care to ask. He followed the nondescript butler and found the 3 people he most did not want to see all in one room.

_Oh. Fucking great._

“Killu, it’s nice to have you home.” Illumi greeted him and Killua’s skin began to crawl, staring into the sallow skin and long dark hair of his manipulative brother.

“Oh, Killua! My boy!” His mother gushed, nearly tripping over her own fancy dress to get to him. He stood stock still as she held him tightly, sobbing onto his shoulder. He sighed at her dramatics but allowed her a few moments out of decency.

“Kikyo, that’s enough.” His father, Silva’s voice came about and his mother sniffled before sighing and retreating from her older son. Killua stood up straighter as his father eyed him, not knowing exactly what his father would do next. “Where is your brother, Killua?”

_Brother? Brother…?!!?_

“Actually, there are some things I need to discuss with you and aniki… Dad.” Killua tacked on at the end, gritting his teeth at the deliberate way his father misgendered his sisters.

“Very well, I’m sure there’s much you have to tell us. We’ll move this to my office.” And the 3 men exited the tea room, making their way up the grand stairs, down a long hallway passing a multitude of doors and finally stopping at the end, entering a room that was completely bare save a boring looking desk and a few chairs. Though it’s not as if his father could fill this with much more, they didn’t have use for weapons when they had themselves and his father surely wasn’t one to sit around and read so there would be no use for a library of any kind.

“Tell us what you need to say, Killua.” His father spoke, sitting down behind his desk as Killua and his brother sat on the opposite side, near each other, though Killua made sure to lean away from his brother, completely.

“I’ve come home. I-I’ve had my little adventure, I’ve seen what the world has to offer and I’m ultimately unimpressed. I was wrong to have left the way I did, you and mother were right. My place is here. As heir.” He did everything he could to keep his breathing from escalating and his heart from beating in a frenzy, he would be calm and quiet, cool and collected the way they trained him to be.

“Killu, you can’t expect us to trust you when you’ve come after all you’ve done. And alone. Where is your brother?” Illumi accused and Killua almost punched the douche bag in his face. But restrained himself.

_Sister! Sister, you asshole piece of manipulative dog shit!_

“Alluka is safe. She proved to be no longer useful, I was sure you wouldn’t mind having her off your hands. Especially since she’s not like us, she’s had no training. She’s a regular girl, Nanika refuses to come out. I asked her for a wish once and she could not make it happen. Ever since, Nanika hasn’t appeared.” Killua began to act, looking as if he were truly troubled by these events.

“He said no?” Silva questioned with interest.

“ _She’s_ unable to grant wishes! Nanika hasn’t come out of Alluka since. I’ve left them both with a trusted friend, he watches them. On the off chance, she comes out, I’ll be alerted immediately. But, again, it hasn’t happened in quite some time. I don’t think she’ll ever come out, again.” And Killua didn’t have to fake his frustration, even if it were truly over the fact everyone was deliberately using the incorrect pronouns.

“What have you tried to do to get her out, Killu?” Illumi asked and Killua could feel the genuine interest from the tone of his voice, could sense that Illumi was probably playing out a million different painful tactics that he could use.

“E-enough.” Killua stuttered, gritting his teeth.

“But, I haven’t..” And dark eyes bore into him, making him feel as if he were 12 years old all over again with a needle in his forehead.

“Aniki! If you--”

“Illumi. If your brother says he has someone watching the boy, I see no reason to completely distrust him. Killua, who have you entrusted Alluka to?” Silva broke up the match between the boys and Killua began to recover himself.

“I-I can’t freely give that information.”

“Freely?” His father’s eyebrow quirked, looking almost impressed with his son.

“I’m here to take over the family business, father.”

“Who says you’re still fit to run this business, Killua?” Silva entertained his teenage son.

“We both know you were waiting for me to come back, father. I’m a Zoldyck, that alone makes me fit, makes me capable. If you deem me untrustworthy, I’m sure I can earn that back.”

“Where is Alluka, Killua?” His father asked, again.

“Somewhere safe. Alluka is an innocent and not involved with any of this.” Killua tried to convince his family members.

“But Nanika is, and Nanika is part of Alluka, Killu.”

Killua was tired of hearing Illumi’s voice, already. That same wicked tone, all Illumi wanted was control. “Nanika is gone! How many times do I have to tell you?”

“How can we be sure? We can’t take your word for it, Killu. Surely you understand.” Illumi’s words seemed peaceful enough but there was always a sadistic reason for them, Killua thought he would rip his own hair out in frustration.

“Aniki, your interests in Nanika are purely selfish. You want to control her as much as you want to control me. To have us at your demand.” Killua exploited, working to keep his tone calm.

Illumi laughed and it made Killua think of the laughter he’d heard from Hisoka nearly a week earlier. _Sick. Both of them_ _are_ _sick. They certainly deserve each other._

“My, my, Killu. You certainly have grown up quite a bit since I’d seen you last, little brother.”

“Tch!” Killua scoffed, “You have no idea..”

“Be this as it may, Illumi has a point, Killua. How can we trust what you say about Nanika is true?” His father finally cut in and Killua expected this, working to continue his plan.

“I can tell you where they are.” Killua managed a pointed glance at his older brother. “But Illumi can not be in the room. Nor can he know Alluka’s location after I tell you.”

Silva was silent while Illumi looked on with a stoic face.

“Illumi. Leave.”

_Like shooting fish in a barrel._

His brother sighed in aggravation but quietly left the remaining Zoldyck relatives.

“Before I tell you where they are, you must give me your word that you will not go after her. I have powerful people in the palm of my hands I won’t be afraid to utilize. You make one move on them and everything you want will go up in flames, I’ll take Alluka and Nanika and we’ll run again. You’ll never see either of us. I’ve done it already and I can do it again at a moment’s notice, father.” Killua warned.

“Killua, what is it that you seek by coming back here? You want more than just the business.”

“A trade. My life for Alluka’s. I’ll stay here and play dutiful son, I’ll tell you the secret’s to Nanika’s abilities when it comes to me—and only me. This is what you get. In return, you leave Alluka and Nanika alone, for good. You leave her in my care for me to worry about, you stop Illumi’s witch hunt for her. This my olive branch, so to speak, and I’d suggest you take it. Father.”

Silva leaned forward, smirking at his prodigal son chatting him up as if they discussed what they were having for lunch and felt… Pride. “You truly are my son, Killua. Though, I’m sure you’ll understand if my trust to hand over the family business is not immediate. My question from earlier still stands, I need to be sure you are competent. Call this a trial run of sorts. You will take any and all jobs I give you, if you don’t perform above my standards then this deal is off.” Silva concluded.

“Yes, father.”

_Fish. Barrel._


	13. Chapter 13

Killua kept his head down, rushing past his brother and following the myriad of hallways and staircases straight to the room he hadn’t been in since he was 12. It wasn’t hard to find, but walking in was.. Walking in was something he hadn’t mentally prepared himself for.

It was a ghost room. Kept perfectly the way it was the day he left, clothes from 5 years ago still strewn across his floor, bed unmade, dresser drawers still haphazardly sticking out, there were even a few chocorobo boxes on the floor, empty of course. The posters on his walls however, were the only thing that seemed to have moved, the tape peeling from corners and posters falling forward. He took a deep breath, sighing before cleaning up the mess he left behind, chocorobo boxes in the trash, clothes too small for him back in their drawers and shut tight, peeling posters coming off the wall and going into the trash can as well, they weren’t even images of things he was interested in any longer. He felt like a foreigner in his own room. Who he was now did not belong.

Killua did a search around his room, finding his packed baggage in one corner and going through every item in his room to ensure he was not being watched in any way. When he was confident there were no cameras, microphones or any other type of bug he pulled out the only thing that helped him get through the day, the item that near burnt a hole in his pants. His cell phone. He quickly dialed a familiar number and put the phone to his ear, waiting as the phone rang.

“Onii-chan!” Alluka’s voice sang through the receiver and Killua felt his heart skip a beat at the sound of her joy.

“Hello baby sister.” He smiled, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest.

“It’s been a week! You didn’t call, we were worried!” His little sister scolded him, reminding him of a tone Mito-san had.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry but I’m calling now.”

“Does that mean-are-are you there?” She stuttered nervously.

“Y-yeah. I’m here at the mansion.”

Alluka was quiet for a moment before continuing with ,“I wish onii-chan would come home.”

“I will, these things just take time and I’ve barely been here a few hours. It’s not important, I don’t want to talk about here. I want you to tell me what you and Nanika have been up to. What did I miss over the course of the week? Have you been kind to Gon and Mito-san? Bowed your head to give thanks without me having to remind you?”

“Well, Mito-san finally got the blood stains out of my favorite dress so I was happy about that! Even though, I was so sure I asked onii-chan to keep it clean for me!” She drawled out in a sarcastic tone and Killua cringed, chuckling at his sister’s cross tone.

“Nanika wanted the fish heart!” He tried to defend his position that day.

“There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t even know where to start, onii-chan.”

Killua laughed, calmed by the sound of his sister’s voice after going so long without hearing it. He felt an ache in his chest and he wished he was there with her. Alluka went on, describing the things she and Gon did together during the week Killua had been gone, telling Killua of the new recipe Mito-san had taught her to cook, and telling him how much she missed him. They had spoken for hours and Killua was hesitant to let her go, he wanted to keep talking to her but his sweet meddling sister gave him a gentle reminder about a certain teenage boy who was also awaiting a phone call and Killua felt his heart tug. They shared goodbyes after Killua promised to call again—and soon, the blue eyed boy eyeing his phone with half anticipation and half fear. He wanted to speak to Gon but he knew it would only make him miss the boy he loved even more. After a mental pep talk he sighed and dialed his boyfriend’s number.

“Killua!” Gon always said his name in the perfect way, in the most perfect tone and damn if it didn’t fuck Killua up.

_Fucking kill me._

“H-hey..” Swallowing a lump in his throat.

“Are-where are you?”

“On Kukuroo Mountain, in my room, actually. My old room.” He looked around the unfamiliar walls again.

“I’m sure you haven’t seen that in a long time.” Gon mused, curiosity in his voice.

“I haven’t. It’s weird being in a place that hasn’t changed.”

“I understand that feeling.”

The words were out of Killua’s mouth before he could stop them. “I miss you.”

He heard Gon sigh loudly over the receiver, “I miss Killua, too.”

“The plan’s going well, at least I think it is. My father’s put me on some sort of trial run, I have to take every mission he tells me to.” He had intended to calm Gon with this but instead was met with a moment of tense silence.

“Killua.. I don’t--”

“Killua-chan” An elderly voice came from behind Killua’s closed bedroom door and his hair stood on end, there’s only one person who was ever allowed to call him that.

“Shit! Gon, I gotta go! Bye!” He quickly hung his phone up, sitting on his bed as if he were waiting for the woman the entire time. “Yeah?” He called out and the door opened, revealing a still very frightening Tsubone.

_Ha. Dad’s pissed at me, again._

“Your father requires your company, Master.”

He passed Tsubone on his way out, the old woman right behind him as they walked down several floors until he was back at the place he left a few hours ago. Tsubone opened the door for him before turning and standing guard beside the wall, Killua stuffed his hands into his pockets, greeting his father by way of eye contact.

“We have a client.” Silva tells him, tossing a file folder across his desk.

“Oh?” Killua eyes the file with trepidation, he doesn’t want to take it. Someone in that folder has to die and Killua has to be the one who does it.

“Yes but we’ll need to detain a package.”

“Detain?” Killua questioned, that wasn’t ever their mission. Their status quo was murder for money, not kidnap and murder for money.

“Kill everyone but leave the package unharmed and deliver it at a meeting point.” Silva nodded at the file folder and Killua forced himself to pick up cream colored thing.

“That’s not our line of work, father.”

“It’s yours today.” Silva immediately replied and Killua grit his teeth for a moment before composing himself.

“To prove my loyalty.” Killua voiced his suspicions.

“Everything you need to know about the target is in the folder, your mission begins immediately.”

“Yes, father.” He replied in a subdued manner, turning away to read the file in his room.

“Son.” Silva called and the teenager turned to face him, file in hand. “Read that here.”

Killua blinked, shrugged and then trekked back to his seat.

_Read it in front of him? He wants to gain a reaction from me, see how I take my orders?_

_What’s in this file?_

He flipped open the file, seeing a stack of papers and clippings of photos. The papers held floor plans and written down schedules for the target, their weaknesses and where they held their strengths. Killua took a brief look at the pictures and froze.

_Oh god._

_Fuck! No! Fuck no!_

Images of a young girl who couldn’t be older than Alluka was when Killua saved her from this place and a woman that looked very much like her mother.

Killua made quick work of his features and body, making sure not to tense up or show any of the disgust, fear, hatred or contempt he had inside.

The woman and young daughter seemed to be constantly guarded, related to someone higher up in the food chain and considered valuable, someone had hired the Zoldyck’s to take everyone out and extract the package: _the daughter._

Silva was going to make Killua murder a mother and kidnap her daughter.

And he had no choice in the matter

_Even if I try and fuck up, even if I try to save her, it’ll reflect badly on me and all hope of saving Gon and Alluka will be shot to hell. He knows this. My father knows this so he’s given me an impossible task._

_He’s testing me and I can’t fail!_

“Looks pretty simple. I’ll get on it immediately.” Killua nodded to his father, knowing it was not simple, wishing he did not have to ‘get on it’ today or any other day for the rest of his life.

He didn’t hear the sound of his father’s voice after that, the blood rushing to his head and making his ears ring as he walked out, he barely noted that Tsubone was still following him even back to his room though she stayed outside his door. He was silently grateful, his control giving out and he collapsed on the floor. His body began trembling, heart beating a thousand miles a minute, he was breathing hard but didn’t feel like there was anything he could take in, he wanted to scream.

He closed his eyes, hoping to gain respite though it was in vain, the little girl with bright hair, colored eyes and a smile on her face in the photograph not knowing she was being photographed. _What would they do to her?_ How could he do it? How could he _not_?

He thought he could. He knew he would have to kill people again, he didn’t want to but if pushed, he could. But what if he couldn’t do it now? His father gave him this mission on purpose, Illumi would have no problem carrying it out but Killua.. Killua with a conscience, with a heart and a desire to be good, to save lives instead of take them, free them instead of doom them… Yes. His father knew exactly what he was doing.

Killua could not fail.

He grit his teeth, sucking in large breaths until he felt slightly calmed though his skin felt cold and clammy, head developing an ache. He turned it off, then. Everything he felt, he turned everything off. And he turned that _switch_ on. Killua dug out dark clothing from his bag, moving like a robot and drowning in numbness. He had a mission and he would complete it.

Killua quickly made his way out of the Zoldyck mansion and knew he was being followed, _watched_. He did not care. He used his Godspeed to make it off the mountain and through the city, sticking to the shadows and lowering the beanie further over his head to hide majority of his hair as it began to rain. The schedule written for the mother and her daughter said they have dinner everyday at the same time, they leave via limo from their apartment to meet, Killua guessed, the mother’s husband and daughter’s father. They were escorted by a number of very burly looking men in suits, Killua had to kill everyone only making sure the girl was unharmed and then kidnap her.

 _Kidnap_ … Killua’s hands balled into fists and he worked to open them back up. He slipped his phone from his pocket. _It’s 4:45, they’ll leave the confines of their apartment at 5:30, all I have to do is wait._

 _Don’t think, don’t feel_ he chanted to himself over and over again as time slipped by, being knocked out of his stupor when the sound of closing doors was heard. He shivered in the rain, breathing out and quickly making his way through the dark alley, to the opening street and though there were passing cars Killua was not afraid anyone would witness what was about to happen, was not afraid of being identified because he knew that would not happen either. He was a Zoldyck assassin, after all.

A crowd of people were heading towards a nondescript black private car, Killua had to stop them before he reached it.

The boy raced forward, feet making no sound in the rain, giving over to a side of himself he hadn’t gotten in touch with in years. There were 4 large men surrounding the mother and daughter, he took out the first two with nails in his hands, slicing their throats and allowing them to fall. When a scuffle was heard, the two other men turned and separated, one to handle Killua and the other to rush the girls to the safety of their car.

_You still won’t reach it._

The man heading for Killua pulled out a gun and the teenage boy almost laughed. The man was able to fire a single shot, Killua dodged to his left and jumped over the man, landing behind him and with a swift flick of his wrist he twisted the man’s neck. Before his body could land, Killua had already jumped to the driver’s side of the unmarked car where the remaining security guard was trying to pull open the door, with a quick grunt and sharp jab Killua pulled out the man’s heart. The thud of both bodies was muted by the rain. Screams could be heard from inside the car and Killua forced himself to do anything but think about what he was doing. He quickly pulled open the backseat door, making sure to knock the young girl unconscious as she cowered and cried in her mother’s arms.

“Please!” The woman begged and Killua stopped, just _stopped, froze_. “Please don’t do this! Please don’t hurt us, please leave my baby alone, please! Don’t do this!” She pleaded, tears running down her face, tracks of mascara lining down with a look of pure anguish, green eyes shining with tears.

 _Move_ , he told himself. _Just do it! Just fucking do it!_

“Please leave us al--” Her words were cut off, a hole forming in her head and blood spewed outward, landing on Killua’s face and front of his sweater. _Shot. Someone shot her_ before Killua could go for the kill himself. He stood there, stunned and confused. _Afraid._ The woman’s facial features had not changed, even in death and Killua knew her agony would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Killua-chan, take the girl.” Tsubone said from beside him, he couldn’t bring himself to jump from her sudden appearance. He knew she was following, after all, was likely the one who shot the woman when Killua hesitated. The woman was cleaning a handgun, perhaps the one that was used on Killua just moments before, he didn’t know nor did he care. He grit his teeth and reached with shaky hands to pry the unconscious child from her dead mother’s grip.

_Oh god, oh god…_

“We have one more part to this mission, Master Zoldyck, we’d better get to it, sir.” Tsubone gave him a push away from the car and Killua immediately commanded his feet to hide him back in the shadows, he reflexively pulled the girl to his chest and shielded her from the rain, momentarily thinking he had Alluka in his arms. The girl shivered from the cold and nuzzled into Killua’s chest.

_I can’t do this. I can’t do this, I won’t fucking do this! Oh god, what would Alluka think of me?! What would Gon!? Oh fucking christ Gon… He’ll hate me, he’ll hate my fucking guts, he’ll be disgusted with me!_

“There is a car at the other end of this alleyway, Killua-chan. Follow me.” Tsubone passed the teenager with a motherless child in his arms, his body on autopilot as they piled into a black car together and sped off. Killua held the girl tighter in his arms, shivering and knowing he was in shock from it all.

“I’m impressed, Killua-chan. It took you only a matter of seconds to take down all of her guards and knock out that child. You’re still very skilled, stronger.” Tsubone complimented him though it went over his head in the teenager’s current state.

“Y-you killed her, I didn’t-- you didn’t give me a chance to.” He stuttered, teeth chattering.

“When would you have killed her, Killua-chan? After she begged you for her life?” The old woman questioned him with a bored tone, she kenw.

“Momma..” The girl muttered in her sleep and Killua felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“We are paid for our services, Master Zoldyck. We are not the cursed.”

_She’s trying to tell me it’s no longer my problem…_

Killua sat quietly in the backseat, cradling the small girl and all he could think about was Alluka. Someone harming her the way he had harmed this girl, someone giving her away to a monster like he was hired to do, someone _killing…_

_What kind of monster.._

Tsubone pulled over without a word, exiting the driver’s side of the vehicle before walking over to Killua’s side of the car and opening the door. She moved to pull the girl from his arms and without thinking Killua pulled back, shielding the girl from Tsubone’s wrinkled hands.

“Killua-chan.” She called and the teenager wanted nothing more than to push past her, use his Godspeed and take this girl back to safety. But doing so would ruin his mission, doing so could lead Alluka and Nanika and Gon to their own death sentence.

_Her or us? Her… or us? An innocent life…_

He shut his eyes tight, handing the girl over before he could think twice and felt grateful and resentful when Tsubone took her from his arms and closed the door with him still in the car. Whatever exchange happened in the location, Killua was not apart of, he hadn’t even looked up once to see where they were. Or else he’d be threatened to throw open the door and kill everyone, take the girl and… And.. Do what? Take her back to whatever family she has left, though their carelessness placed the child in this position to begin with? Leave with her and take her back to Whale Island, leading his family straight to Mito-san and Gon?

Realistically, what were his options? Viable options.

He thought of none.

Killua didn’t realize it was over until Tsubone called his name several times, reality and time coming back to him. They were back at the front of the Zoldyck estate.

_How long was I out?_

“Killua-chan, why did you come back?” Tsubone asked with the car off, hands still on the wheel and making no move to leave.

“What?” He blinked, in a daze.

“You’re not an assassin any longer, Master Zoldyck. You’re not like your father or Illumi, why did you come back to this place, sir?” She met his eyes in the rear view mirror and Killua stared, mouth open.

_To save the people I love...? Hah, who am I even kidding, I’m no longer worthy of them anymore!_

He said nothing, instead leaving the car and walking into the doors, drenched from head to toe with the rain. Killua made his way to his room, going straight to his private bathroom where he proceeded to fall to his knees and place his head in his toilet bowl, throwing up the full contents of his stomach. When he stood to wash his face, he looked into the mirror to find blood on his cheek leading to his neck. Not his own, of course. His eyes looked… Dead. Dismal. Dark. Without life or light. He turned away quickly and shed his clothes, jumping into his shower to wash the blood on his skin off, wash the sickness off.

Still, when he looked down, his hands were stained with blood.

_I’m a killer. I’m a killer… I’m a monster._

Killua didn’t realize that day was only the beginning of his dissent into darkness.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I JUST finished writing this, like seriously, it took me so long! This chapter and the last will be the longest yet, I'm hoping you guys enjoy this one and it doesn't disappoint! I proofread it REALLY fast so if there are mistakes, I apologize! Anyway, HERE WE GO! (Last part will be posted by this upcoming Monday!)

 

“ **Nee, Killua? I-it’s me, Gon. Not that you wouldn’t know by the sound of my voice but—anyway, it’s been almost a week since Killua’s called me back. I called you today at least 3 times, I know things might be complicated back there but.. Call me? Please.”**

Killua had murdered 8 other people that week. All men, all weak. It was easier than he expected it to be, not just the killing but falling back into the rhythm of being a murderer.

However, Killua was still unhappy, knowing he needed to be stronger. It didn’t take him long to turn to the last person he wanted to.

“A-aniki.” Killua allowed his long bangs to shield his face, hands balled into fists at his sides as he prepared himself to ask a favor of the one person he felt he may have despised most.

“Kil?” Illumi looked on with interest as Killua had not gone out of his way previously to speak to the man.

“I...” Killua took a long and deep calming breath, “I want to be stronger, I want…” He grit his teeth and looked up, “You to teach me more about Nen.”

Illumi smiled in a way Killua never saw and it made him sick to his stomach. Illumi’s always wanted this control over his little brother, couldn’t be more sickeningly joyous at finally getting it.

But if this is what it took to go up against Hisoka, if this is what it would take to keep his family on Whale Island safe.. Killua would do it.

“ **Killua.. Are you okay? Alluka-chan said she can’t get a hold of Killua, either. We’re worried. Call us back.”**

He was surprised to find the men he murdered tonight were meeting in a factory that made chocolate. He stole a few boxes after he killed them, but when he got home he realized there was blood all over the packaging. Killua made an attempt to eat them anyway but found it was in vain when a simple bite had him running to throw up the bile.

“ **Killua please answer your phone! You’re beginning to scare me!”**

“Kilu, you’re not concentrating.”

“I-I’m trying!”

“Try. Harder.”

“ **K-Killua, it’s almost been a month! D-did you get any of my texts? Is Killua’s phone broken? I-I don’t know what to do or say anymore..”**

Killua was beginning to become suspicious of the butlers he trusted most. Canary was acting bizarre, whenever Killua made a move to speak to Gotoh, she was in the way. Tsubone was still tailing him, Illumi was still an insufferable prick.

“ **Alluka-chan is crying tonight, can Killua please call her? She needs her brother… E-even if it’s just for two minutes, she wouldn’t mind. She’s worried, I’m worried, we miss you.. Call us back, Killua.”**

He had not, in fact, listened to a single one of his sister’s voicemails. All texts from his lover and sister were practically deleted immediately. He didn’t deserve them, anymore. He was a monster. A murderer who took mother’s and father’s from their children in exchange for money.

“ **Why won’t Killua answer his phone?! You promised us that you would!” Gon sighed loudly into the receiver. “We just want to hear the sound of your voice. We just want to make sure Killua’s okay. I love you, I miss you. Please, Killua.”**

_You wouldn’t love who I am now, Gon._

“ **Please, Killua. Tell me what’s wrong, tell me what to do, tell me something. Anything! I can’t.. I can’t keep talking to a machine.”**

 _What’s wrong? Tell you anything? I’ve killed over two dozen people so far, innocent people. I did it all with my bare hands_. Killua looked down at his phone, finger hovering over the button to erase the message. He wanted to.. But some sick part of him wanted to keep it, like all the others he saved, just to hear the sound of Gon’s voice. To torture himself, of course.

“Gotoh, let’s play a game.”

“I apologize Master Zoldyck, your mother requires my assistance”

 _Something’s wrong. Very wrong._ He didn’t know how he knew, call it instinct, call it a gut feeling but something about Gotoh was… _Off._

“ **Killua… I keep thinking something terrible has happened to you and it makes me afraid… I miss the sound of Killua’s voice.”**

Killua was resting at the butler’s quarters, he had been spending more time than he should have there. But he hated his own room and running into one of his relatives was something he had no interest in. Unless his father requested his presence or Illumi called, he wanted nothing to do with any of them.

He had secretly been trying to get alone time with Gotoh, time when he wasn’t running off or when Canary or Tsubone, even Amane weren’t manipulating all of his time in some way. It was a little sickening how obvious it all was, it only served to piss Killua off—his temper already very short since he returned. What exactly were they hiding about the man? Killua had aimed to find out today, he was lying on the couch and rolling his years old yo-yo’s he found in his room while Canary and Gotoh both stood against the wall opposite the couch simply watching and waiting for his command.

“Canary, make some tea.” Their young master finally spoke and the girl nodded, making to leave with Gotoh when Killua stopped them with a few words, “Gotoh stays here. I’m sure you’ve worked here long enough to understand how to make a pot of tea.” He hadn’t meant it to sound rude but the tone of his voice was rather dry. Frankly, his entire mood was sour. Everything in him felt cold and dark and… Bad. Bad inside.

Canary nodded, leaving Gotoh and Killua alone without another word. Not that she could say anything against the young master.

“I have a wager for you, Gotoh.” Killua rolled the yo-yo’s in his palm before pocketing them.

“Sir?”

“We’ll play your game, 3 rounds. Best 2 out of the 3 wins.” He sat himself up on the couch, facing Gotoh against the wall. “If I win.. You tell me who you are.”

Killua’s suspicion’s about this version of Gotoh were confirmed when genuine distress was reflected on the man’s face. Gotoh was skilled at hiding any kind of fear or frustration, even joy. Whoever this was… They were breaking into a sweat.

 _Good_ , he thought, _it’ll make this easier if you’re too worried to focus entirely on this game. Whatever you did, wherever he is… I’ll kill you._

‘Gotoh’ sat across from Killua in a chair, trying to calmly pull out a gold coin and then holding it up for Killua to see. He flipped the coin and did his best to move his arms at such a rapid speed that Killua could not follow though it was in vain, of course Killua saw which hand it landed in seconds later. _Would he use Gotoh’s trick?_ The other ‘Gotoh’ held up two closed fists, nodding for Killua to guess.

“Which hand?”

“Right.” Killua nodded to the man’s right fist.

Other Gotoh opened his hand, a small golden coin in the center of his palm. Killua was not satisfied. “Again.” He commanded.

The coin was tossed, hands were moving with rapid speed before stopping again.

“Left this time.” Killua proposed and was surprised though not entirely displeased when the left palm was empty. “Once more.”

This was Killua’s last chance—or other Gotoh’s, depending on the way anyone saw it. The coin was tossed, Canary returned with their tea and sat it on the table between both men. Killua’s concentration was momentarily broken, catching the way Canary looked at him—almost with sorrow.

“Master Zoldyck, you must choose.” Other Gotoh reminded him and the boy blinked, taking a few seconds to eye each palm carefully before setting his gaze at the girl taking several steps away from them.

“Canary.” Killua called the butler.

“Yes, Master Zoldyck.” Canary turned to him with arms behind her back, head down and poised.

“Show me the coin in your hands.”

Canary and other Gotoh were stunned, the young woman looked afraid while the man across from Killua looked apologetic. Canary walked back to her employer and showed him the gold coin in the palm of her right hand.

“Killua--” Other Gotoh called though the teenager interrupted fiercely.

“Why did you lie to me?” His voice was dangerously low, his anger beginning to roll off him in waves as he realized he was being betrayed by not only the people who worked for him but possibly the people who hired them. _Why? To such an extent… Where is Gotoh?!_

“I-it’s-there was an-we--” Canary stuttered through an appropriate explanation, unnerved by her young master’s reaction.

“A what? I have no patience, speak quickly.” Killua was being rude but couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment, Canary was flushed and stuttering, it did little to calm him.

The butlers exchanged glances before both setting their shoulders with determination. Other Gotoh shed his butler’s jacket and right before Killua’s eyes began to transform. A large yellow beast with the snout of a dog, the antennae of an ant.

All Killua could feel was confusion, _recognition_.

“I-I know you. Y-you’re one of Gon’s friend’s.” Killua had met the family of magical beasts the second time he took the hunter’s exam, they had taken him in and allowed him to pass that night.

“Ah, Gon. I haven’t seen him in a few years..” The true, nasally voice replied with a sad fondness.

“Wh-what are you doing here? Watching me? Where’s Gotoh?” Killua was becoming more confused and upset by the second, _what the fuck is going on?!_

“Killua...” The magical beast looked down and away, almost ashamed. Killua sighed in frustration, turning to his actual butler.

“Canary?”

“Master Zoldyck, please sit down.” Canary more suggested than told in a soft voice and though he wanted to disobey, he did as he was told.

“Gotoh, he-when you took Alluka, when your brother was tailing us he had someone helping him. Amane, Gotoh and I encountered a magician, Gotoh told us to go forward after you while he stayed behind to deal with him. But Gotoh never—Master Zoldyck, he didn’t survive the fight.” Canary looked truly hurt for a split second before it disappeared completely and she faced the young master again, her face blank, waiting for what Killua would do next.

_What? No…_

_No, no, no, no! NO!_

_Gotoh? Dead!? No! What?!_

“You were intending to hide this from me.” Voice so low it was dangerous, hair beginning to stand on end.

“Young Master we didn’t--”

Killua shrugged them off, hands shaking and jaw clenching as he felt absolutely sick to his stomach. Filled with rage and pain. _Is this what Gon felt, then? With Kite.. Is this what he felt? This feeling taking over me entirely?_ _The urge to hurt, the tightening in my chest that won’t give, the guilt…_

Killua knew his aura was likely pulsing all around him and he did his best after leaving the butler’s quarters and entering the estate to calm himself down or at the very least mask it. Perhaps emanate blood lust, as his brother always had, he was sure his father would approve. He had to channel this pain somewhere. So the teenage boy made his way to his father’s office, hands stuffed into his pockets and leaning against the doorway.

“Got anything for me, old man?” There was a sick feeling inside of Killua, he felt like there was something dark and sticky working its way through his chest.

“You’d speak to your ji-chan like that?” An old, grating voice replied.

“J-ji-chan?” Killua whispered in surprise, Zeno Zoldyck hadn’t been around the near entire two months his grandson was on the estate, it was a surprise to suddenly see him in his father’s office. Killua’s grandfather was possibly the only member of his family he had any positive relationship with. More than that, his emotions were all over the place.

“You’re here to take over the business then, young Killua?” His grandfather questioned, a quirked brow the only sign the man was showing any emotion whatsoever.

_No. I don’t want to even be here, anymore._

“I’m a Zoldyck.” He replied, not in the mood to lie or say much more. He wanted to get this feeling out of him, this hurt.. Give it to someone else..

“Hmm..” His grandfather mused before turning to fully face the boy. “When you return from your next assignment, your father and I will discuss next steps with you.”

Killua took the folder his father slid across his desk and was out of the room in seconds.

_They didn’t say anything.. They weren’t even going to tell me, no one was going to fucking tell me Gotoh was dead!_

_A magician, they said, a magician working with Illumi. No, not hard to guess at all..._

_I’m going to kill him. I’m going to fucking kill him!_

He flipped open the folder, the name NOSTRADE typed out in bold letters. _Another weak mafia member,_ Killua noted but paused when there was a description of his guards. Incredibly powerful Nen users, one featuring… Chains on his hand? Could it be..?

 _Doesn't matter,_  Killua would do what he had to. He was already too far gone by this point.

Killua waited until nightfall to execute his plan, arriving at a large gated residence though he knew it was really all for looks. Even mafioso knew large gates could never keep the strong out. He leaped over the gate without any issue, using his yo-yo’s combined with his Nen to electrocute and incapacitate the several hunter’s acting as guard’s nearby.

Killua was a little disappointed, tonight he did actually feel the urge to kill someone. To hurt them.

He had looked over the floor plans well enough within the few hours he had earlier and remembered the fuse box for the entire building’s electricity was located in the lower floor on the left side wing of the building. He traveled the distance, silently, remaining in a state of Zetsu to cloak his presence and entering through a locked door via way of breaking it. Entering a long dark hallway, Killua strained his ears to listen for anyone on the eerily silent level and felt a little miffed when he realized no one was there. He continued further throughout the building, following the map in his head and finding the room, he made quick work of every switch and could hear commotion from above him over the unexpected outage. Killua made his presence known then, going into Hatsu and using his Godspeed to rapidly reach the few hunters left, the teenager was disappointed when he realized there were less than a handful.

_Isn’t this guy some big mafioso? Where is his cavalry? He needs to send them in to save him.. Not like they could anyway but at least I’d blow off some steam!_

His wish was answered when a man with incredible aura entered the room Killua took down several weaklings in, the man was bare chested and sporting a pompadour. He glared at Killua before reaching into his pocket for a pen and paper.

_Fucking tool._

“A violent act

Watch me--” The pencil falling from the bare chested man’s hands and spit coming from his mouth as Killua landed a solid punch straight into his stomach.

“Whatever you were doing, it was extremely fucking boring.” Killua spoke with a bored tone, thinking what a shitty Nen ability it was if you had to write a damn haiku before doing harm to someone. The pompadoured fool had keeled over and the teenage boy used that to his advantage, using his knee to break the man’s nose. Killua took satisfaction when he heard the sound of it cracking. He was mid-way swinging his arm back to punch the jerk in his face again when he heard a familiar voice call his name.

“Killua?!” Kurapika’s hands were wrapped around Killua’s bicep, stopping him from committing any further harm to his co-worker and acquaintance. “What are you doing!?”

Killua turned to blink at the man he hadn’t seen in 3 years, not a phone call or a text, not that Killua ever felt like Kurapika owed him that.. But seeing him brought about memories Killua didn’t want to think about, couldn’t think about at that moment. Helping his friends…

_Aniki was right._

Killua lowered his arm and his blonde friend let him go though there was still a stunned and confused look on his face.

“Is Gon here?” Kurapika searched behind and beside Killua, as if reassuring himself that the spiky haired boy from years ago was not with his other half.

“I thought it was you when I read that file.” Killua chuckled though he wasn’t truly amused, at all.

“File?” Kurapika turned his brown eyes back to Killua, squinting in the darkness as he took in the boy who looked more like a man now to him. “K-Killua, did you… What are you doing here?”

“ _You’re not cut out to be a hunter, you were born to be a killer..”_

“Isn’t it obvious?” Killua questioned though it was purely rhetorical, Kurapika had always been a smart man, he would deduce the truth in seconds if he hadn’t already and Killua knew that. “I’m an assassin, Kurapika. Though, since we’re old friends I suppose I can give you a pass.” He began to stride past the frozen blonde man he once spent days locked in a room with, hands sharpening themselves into razors. “Do me a favor and stay out of my way.”

“ _You’re a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don’t want or wish for anything.”_

“Killua!” Kurapika yelled and made a move to stop the younger boy though with the use of Killua’s Nen, he easily dodged and went around him, reacting instantly. Kurapika’s jaw clenched, “Where’s Gon? Surely he wouldn’t let you do something this stupid by yourself.” He hit low, knowing even now the effect it would have on Killua and was pleased when Killua visibly tensed though it was subtle. It was the way his shoulder’s raised.

“I won’t tell you again, Kurapika.” His voice was lethal. And though Killua had no desire to kill Kurapika, he wouldn’t mind hurting him if he had to.

“ _You’ll never be able to make friends..”_

“If you’re here to kill the man I’ve been hired to protect, I won’t hesitate to fight you, Killua!” Kurapika’s eyes glowed his bright red and Killua scoffed, gritting his teeth to stop a smirk from forming on his face.

“ _Your only concern when you meet someone is whether you should kill them.”_

“Have you forgotten, Kurapika?” Killua turned to him, releasing the full capacity of his bloodlust-something he had been working on with his older brother the past few weeks. “I can kill you without lifting a finger, all I have to do is make you use your Chain Jail and your own restriction will do the job for me.”

“Do you think I’d be so stupid?”

“Well, one can hope.” Killua squared his shoulders, “How about it then, Pika? You. Me.”

“ _You have the soul of a killer.”_

“Killua, we’re friends!”

_No. No, I’m not meant to have friends, I’m a killer!_

“You said you wouldn’t hesitate!” Killua pressed his palms together, pulling apart and forming electricity through his fingers, it was more than a clear threat. He rushed Kurapika then, tired of the waiting and talking, he needed _more._

Kurapika blocked, arms up in defense against Killua and he instantly reacted by ducking and swiping the blonde man’s legs out from under him. Kurapika recovered quickly, rolling out of the way and into a standing position when Killua swung for his face. The two traded blows, proving to be a near even match for the other, Killua’s irritation heightened.

“Come on! Your holding back is almost insulting!” _Hit me_ , Killua thought. _Fucking hit me!_ The sickening feeling inside of him growing, the hatred and the utter disgust, the heartbreak and devastation.

“You’re my friend!” Kurapika yelled and Killua allowed the blonde to pin him against a wall, arm across his neck though not in a manner to hurt, more to simply hold him there. “Killua, what happened!? Why are you here?!”

“I already told y--”

“No! Why? Why are you doing this?! The last thing you wanted was to be an assassin, again!”

“A lot happened since you stopped answering your phone, Kurapika.” Killua spit in anger, in a way he was resentful, Kurapika had been absent all that time. He had been absent, not answering calls or texts and not bothering to check in with anyone he called his _friends._ “Did you find them, then? Your eyes? Or was that something else you gave up on, too?” Killua accused in a low voice, he was egging the man on.

Kurapika sneered, gritting his teeth and breathing harshly. “You can stop, Killua. Whatever reason you’re doing this for--”

Killua groaned in frustration below Kurapika, knowing this wouldn’t amount to any actual fighting or release of the way he felt. With a quick sliding of his feet, he pivoted out of Kurapika’s hold and with Killua’s full strength, he landed a chop to Kurapika’s neck. The man let out a quick groan before falling to the ground with a loud thud and staying still.

“Don’t worry, you’ll wake up in a few hours.” Killua wiped his mouth, stepping over Kurapika’s body and moving to complete his mission.

 

**X-X-X**

“Killua, you understand that you are now responsible for the Zoldyck family. As heir, you inherit the estate, butler’s quarters, take on financial responsibility and oversee all missions in the foreseeable future?”

“Yes, father.”

Silva Zoldyck had gathered every member of their family into his office to watch as their prodigal son finally took his place at the head of his family.

Milluki felt envious, in the corner angrily chewing a candy bar. His brother, Kalluto looking on with awe and Illumi standing closest to Killua, feeling a swelling of pride. Kikyo was in tears.

“This is what you want and what you will agree and swear upon.” Zeno Zoldyck addressed his grandson.

_What I want? A little too late to ask that, ji-chan._

“Yes, ji-chan.”

 _A signature. That’s all it took._ A fucking squiggly line on a goddamn paper is all it took to seal the boy’s fate.

“Now, son. It’s your turn to hold up your end of the bargain.” Silva reminded Killua of the tit for tat he had promised.

“Alluka and Nanika are with Gon on Whale Island, they’re secluded. No one goes through there besides the island inhabitants or fishermen. Gon’s strong, his Nen has been regained and he’s promised to protect her with his life.” He reassured them, absolute confidence in the words he spoke. He knew he needed that to convince his father to accept the information.

“Gon? The one Nanika revived?” Silva questoned.

“Yes.”

“You trust him, then?”

“With my life.” Killua replied without hesitation, his tone firm as the words fell from his mouth and he felt something inside of him twist.

Silva hid his smile behind his hands, “Very well, son. Though, to ensure Nanika is no longer a threat, we will have to check ourselves, perhaps annually.”

“We send who I say. I am heir, now and my threat from before still stands, you go against me and I’ll have them wiped off the map again.”

Silva smirked and Zeno covered his laugh with a cough behind his hand at how conniving their young relative had become. They were impressed.

“Oh, Killua! I knew you’d come home where you belong!” Kikyo gushed and wrapped her arms around her son though he made no move to reciprocate.

He left after his mother finally let go without a second glance. Not willing to bother with the rest of his relatives anymore, he made the trek back to his room. He wanted to be alone and yet…. He didn’t.

He wanted more than anything to hear the sound of Gon’s voice. He had wanted to hear it every single day since he arrived on Kukuroo Mountain, barely resisting the urge to clamp his hand down on his phone and dial the boy’s number. The voicemails were painful enough but if Killua told him… The truth..

Killua knew calling Gon would lead to nothing more than heartbreak and he wanted to prolong it for as long as possible but tonight… Tonight after Gotoh, after Kurapika, after signing his life and soul away.. He just _wanted Gon._

He was pressing the **CALL BACK** on his phone before he could stop himself, the phone ringing twice before a loud shout on the other side made him feel like his heart was cracking open and spilling out all over his bed.

“Killua! Killua, are you okay!? Why didn’t you call back, what happened!”

“G-Gon..” Killua’s voice cracked, tears streaming down his face without warning.

“Killua? Baby, tell me what’s wrong!” Gon’s voice softened, calling Killua that nickname that utterly destroyed him.

“G-Gotoh’s d-dead.” Killua sobbed, his entire frame shaking as he broke down and allowed every terrible feeling he had to wash over him. Hatred, disgust, pain, regret, heartbreak, anger.

“The man with the coins? Killua.. Killua I’m sorry. B-but I’m here, now! You don’t know how glad I was when you called, I’ve been waiting weeks for you! But that’s okay, it doesn’t matter anyway! I-I’m here and--”

“You’re here?” Killua laughed, his resentment and anger taking over. He wanted to hurt instead of being hurt, he wanted to wound instead of being wounded. And Gon was the only one around to take it out on. “No, you’re not! You’re not fucking here, Gon!” He yelled though he knew it was wrong.

“K-Killua--”

“You’re on Whale Island and I’m here! I’m here and I’m the one who is trading their life away! I’m the one murdering people with my bare fucking hands, Gon! You’re here?! No. You don’t know what that fucking means!”

_I don’t mean to, forgive me!_

“Killua, if you want me to come get y--”

“If you leave my sister’s side, I’ll never forgive you. And if you bring her here, I’ll never forgive you.” Killua swore.

“D-don’t say that--!”

_I’m sorry, I don’t mean it. I don’t, I’m sorry Gon! I’m sorry!_

“Do me a favor and stop calling, Gon. Th-this is over! I’ve made the decision to stay on Kukuroo Mountain.”

“W-what? What’s Killua saying?!”

“Beyond you guarding my sister, this is done. We’re done! I’m an assassin, Gon! It’s what I was born to do..” Killua grit his teeth, feeling bile rise in his throat. “I’m just a killer.”

“Killua's not!”

“Tell that to the people I’ve killed--”

“Killua needs to come home!”

“I already am home, Gon..”

“K-Killua.. No. No! Don’t--”

“Don’t call again, Gon.”

“Killua d--!”

He quickly ended the call, breathing heavily and feeling the tightness in his chest grow. A constricting feeling as if someone had their hands wrapped around his heart and refused to let go. Killua’s screen lit up, the ringtone loud in his quiet room with **GON** written across his screen, he declined the phone call. A few seconds later, the screen lit up again and Killua lost control. He yelled in anguish and threw his phone with all his strength against his wall, the phone ripping a hole through it and crashing into the hallway outside his room, light streaming in.

_I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you!_

_It’s better this way, this was always the only way!_

_I’m sorry… I’m sorry.._

Killua didn’t have the comfort of denying himself his feelings that night, and for the first time in years he allowed himself to let go.

 

**X-X-X**

“Killu, it’s time.” Illumi called his brother after breakfast had been cleared from their dining room table. Killua nodded in acknowledgment and the brother’s made to adjourn when a cracked voice stopped Killua in his tracks.

“O-onii-chan..” Killua’s younger brother, Kalluto called. “C-can I--” Kalluto hesitated, looking away as he was nervous. “Can I watch you?”

Killua blinked, brows furrowing before he nodded and Kalluto quickly joined his older brother’s side and the three siblings made their way to the lower basement where training for them had taken place since they were practically infants

Kalluto and Killua were never particularly close, even before he left, but Kalluto always idolized his older brother. Always wished for a way to get closer to him, maybe even have a relationship with him that Killua shared with Alluka.

“Kalluto, step back unless you want Killu to hurt you.” Illumi warned and Kalluto gaped for a moment before doing as he was told in the large room, stepping to the side and away from his silver haired brother. “Now, Killu..” Illumi’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I want you to try to kill me.”

Killua smirked, quickly releasing the full brunt of his aura, something much darker and more sinister than it had been months ago. Kalluto flinched in the corner of the room, he could feel the terror in his bones and it made him tremble.

Killua took off from his side of the room and advanced on his older brother, he sharpened his nails and jabbed at Illumi, the older sibling dodged it with minimal effort and Killua pivoted to roundhouse kick him in the face though it landed short and instead made impact against his ribs. Illumi grunted, body flying and landing against a wall, he laughed and brought out his needles.

Illumi used the wall as a starting off point and jumped at his younger brother, aiming his needles for Killua’s head and face, throwing them with little regard. Killua dodged each one, going after this brother with the nails on his hands again, jabbing left and right while Illumi dodged.

Killua thought for half a second that this current spar was fun. The adrenaline gripping him and giving him a high.

Illumi kicked out at Killua and his shoe made contact with Killua’s cheek though it only served to push him several feet back. Killua wiped the blood from the side of his mouth.

“Illumi!” A shrill voice yelled, interrupting the boys’ training session. Their mother, Kikyo came through the door, looking distressed, knuckles turning white as they gripped her dress. “Illumi, dear. Come help mother, won’t you?”

“Eh? Okay.” Illumi sighed, “Nee, Kill, we’ll continue this later.” Illumi put away his needles, following his mother out and Killua sighed in disappointment, he was beginning to enjoy the constant rigorous training and the attempt to hurt his brother.

Not only that but he was aware that the weeks were flying by, time was dwindling. It had been over 2 months and he would have to meet Hisoka in the estate, soon.

Was he ready? He wanted to be. Because he’d make the Zoldyck Estate the last place Hisoka ever stepped foot on.

“Killua!” Silva’s voice boomed across the hallway as Killua left the basement. His mother at his father’s heel, urging him not to do what he was about to. “Kikyo, he is heir and he is responsible for dealing with things of this nature!”

“Silva, honey, please!” She begged but her husband rebuffed her.

_What’s going on?_

“Killua, there’s something at the gate you need to deal with.”

“Father?”

“Deal with it and do not forget the oath you swore to this family.”

“Silva!” Kikyo cried, her dark red painted lips turning into a thin line.

“Let the boy deal with it! Go, Killua.” Silva insisted and Killua nodded.

“Yes, sir.”

Killua raced his way to the gate, mulling over his father’s words. _Do not forget the oath you swore to this family_ , his father had said. _Something_ _at the gate I need to deal with? Usually Mike would deal with anyone difficult, what could be so bad_ _my father would_ _ha_ _ve me_ _deal with?_

He got his answer when he was less than a yard away from the butler’s quarters.

“Where is he!? Where’s Killua!?!”

_Oh god._

_Shitdamnfuck, no!_

“We just want to make sure our friend is okay, we don’t mean to take him from the estate.” A man with blonde hair and chains on his hands insisted to Killua’s older brother as he blocked their way further into the estate.

_K-Kurapika?!_

Killua stopped several feet away, shielding himself under cover of the tree’s. His breath hitched, watching Illumi face off against an angry Gon and a worried Kurapika.

_Oh fuck…_

“Tell me where he is! Tell him to come out and face me damnit!” Gon yelled and Killua clamped his eyes and mouth shut.

_Gon.. No.. Stop!_

“Killua is busy dealing with Zoldyck business, he does not have time to deal with such an issue.” Illumi replied with no emotion.

“Issue? A-an issue?!” Gon was becoming more agitated by the second and for a moment, Killua felt deja vu.

“Gon, stop.” Kurapika warned the spiky haired teen

_Listen to him, Gon!_

“You tell him to come out right now! I’m not leaving! I’m not leaving until I fucking see Killua, you bastard!”

 _Oh fuck! Move! Goddamnit, move!_ His body refused to listen, instead he was paralyzed by fear behind the tree, only listening in instead of facing the boy he loved—like a coward.

“Well, that won’t do. I’ll have to remove you by--”

“You’re keeping him from me. Did you do something to Killua?! Did you hurt Killua, you sick piece of shit! I’ll kill you, I swear I’ll fucking kill you! I’ll rip you apart, I won’t show you any mercy!” Gon yelled, and Killua felt the brunt of Gon’s Nen. His anger rolling off in waves that even Killua didn’t think he was strong enough to endure for much longer.

_Oh god… Gon, fucking stop!_

_Shit, move! Feet, fucking move!_

“I did nothing to Kill, I would never hurt him.” Illumi blinked and tilted his head, Kurapika slowly made his way to Gon, laying a gentle hand on him. “If you stay here like you say you will, then who will protect Alluka? Killu traded his life for yours and our brother’s, he swore you would protect Alluka. If you stay here then that deal is off and we can act against the spirit that dwells inside of him.”

“If you fucking--”

“Gon!” Kurapika snapped at his friend, Gon’s jaw clenched and he balled his hands into fists. “We apologize, the deal is not off! Please tell Killua we were here, we’ll leave immediately.” Kurapika tried to be the voice of reason, edging away from Killua’s older brother.

“Kurapika, no--!” Gon shook his head, fervently, he didn’t want to leave without Killua.

“This is a decision Killua made, Gon! We go back to Whale Island, immediately!”

Gon could not believe what Kurapika was saying, after traveling all this way for Killua. “No! No, I’m not leave hi--”

“We don’t have a choice! Or would you rather put Alluka and Nanika’s lives at risk!?” Kurapika pushed the big picture into Gon’s head and the teenager stumbled back a few steps, blinking to clear his head.

“N-no, I--”

“Then we leave.”

Gon panted, body sagging as his anger fell into despair and resignation.

“Killua..” Gon whined in a soft tone, taking a deep breath before yelling louder, “Killua!!” Gon’s voice rang out through the estate and made Killua’s ears ring. “Killuaaaa!!!”

Killua thought it reminded him of the way animals mourn, how they cry into the night, searching for the loved ones lost.

_Gon..._

Kurapika frowned, watching his dear friend sink and unable to do anything to fix it. They would have to regroup, come back at a later time.. But, for now, they were defeated. “Gon, let’s go..” Kurapika’s hand on Gon’s arm was met with slight resistance at first before the boy sluggishly made his way out, when he turned Killua saw the gleam of tears running down Gon’s face.

_I’m sorry… I’m sorry…_

Killua grit his teeth, fighting off his own tears as he watched Gon walk away. Apart of him wanted to scream out, make a mad dash from the trees and run to his side.

 

 _But what would happen, then?_ Killua would want to leave, immediately. Gon could convince him to do it, too. But everything, all the work he had put in, the sacrifices to his own soul he made would be for nothing

 _To protect them. I’m here to protect them, to save them!_ His finger nails dug into his closed palm so hard, blood began to drip between his fingers.

“Come then, Killu. We have more training to do.” Illumi had made his way over to Killua, though he didn’t need to see Killua’s hiding place to know he was there. And neither of them needed to acknowledge the situation that had just unfolded, Illumi got the answers he wanted when Killua stuck to the shadows.

_Gon… Came all this way for me..._

I _’m going to get stronger. I’m going to get stronger and then kill Hisoka, after that… My sister and Gon will be safe. I can protect them from here,_ Killua told himself and followed his brother back to the training room. He would do everything he could, even if it meant he wouldn’t be able to face Gon again, all he wanted was to keep them safe.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow.. So.. Here we are, guys. I don't want to say too much here, I'll add a more thoughtful note at the end but this chapter is VERY long. It has angst, fluff, comedy, love... I think this last chapter is what this whole story was about from the start. ENJOY!

“ _Killua… Killuuaaa..”_

_Soft kisses were planted along the side of Killua’s face, a trail from his forehead and down his cheek, running past his chin before something wet was added when lips touched his neck. He hummed in content and felt a weight added to his body, warmth radiating and a hot breath brush across his face._

“ _Wake up! I miss you, wake up!” A voice so familiar and wonderful he wanted to drown in it sang song to him, Killua blinked sleepy eyes open to a smiling and shirtless Gon lying on top of him. He was in their room on Whale Island._

Gon?

“ _Of course it’s me, Killua!” Gon smiled and laughed, Killua felt his chest suddenly fill with light and joy though he had an inkling that something was off in Gon’s eyes._

Did I say that out loud?

“ _You’re here...” Killua did say out loud this time, raising his hands to caress and cup Gon’s face._ Gon.. Gon, I’ve missed you. But you’re here now and it’s okay!

“ _Of course I’m here!” Gon was beginning to look a little frustrated with Killua’s inane statements._

Here.. I’m here with Gon..

“ _You’re not angry with me?” Killua panicked for a brief moment, of course Gon would be upset,_ how could he be so happy? Was Kukuroo mountain a dream?

“ _I could never be angry with Killua!” Gon beamed with eyes closed and Killua felt something in his chest, a dam that was close to flooding over. He pulled Gon close, wrapping both arms around him and kissing him with fervor. He hummed low in his throat, forcing himself to think about how soft Gon’s lips were, how hot his breath was, how wet and smooth his tongue felt._ Heaven. I’m in Heaven.

“ _I love you, I’m sorry..” Killua swallowed hard, rubbing his forehead against Gon’s._

“ _There’s nothing for Killua to be sorry for!” Gon boomed and though it all felt so familiar, so welcoming..._

_Things didn’t make sense. The last time he saw Gon, the boy was walking away from him with tears streaming down his face. But here he was, his personal sun shining down on him._

“ _Come on! We have to go, we don’t want to miss it!” Gon pulled away from Killua, running down a hallway with Killua in tow though he had no memory of leaving the comfort of their bed._

“ _M-miss what?”_

_And suddenly Gon was dragging him through a door and they were at the beach where Gon declared his life and love to Killua on his birthday._

“ _The sun’s rising, Killua! It came out to see us!” Gon laughed, leading them closer to the shore. Killua could feel the warmth of the sun shining down, the coarse texture of sand between his toes._

Gon…

“ _Onii-chan! It’s so pretty here!” A voice yelled, though it sounded to Killua like it was bouncing off the walls of a tunnel, echoing in and out._

“ _A-Alluka?” He turned to find his sister halfway across the beach, wearing her favorite pretty pink dress and hair up in a messy bun._

_Killua beamed and rushed to embrace his little sister, trudging through sand and feeling impatient, then blinking before he was suddenly directly in front of her._

“ _Alluka! Alluka!” He yelled, wrapping his sister in strong arms and lifting her off the ground as he nearly crushed her to him._ I missed you, I missed you, I’m sorry..

“ _Why did onii-chan leave us?” His sister asked, lips by her brother’s ear and Killua froze, insecurity and regret filling him._

“ _I’m sorry, Alluka. I didn’t--”_

“ _Killua! Killua, it hurts! It hurts!” A shout from behind made him break out into a sweat as dread filled him and day turned to night on the lonely beach. Gon was on his hands and knees, coughing up blood onto the sandy floor and painting the brown to black._

“ _Gon!” Killua yelled, making sure to keep hold of his sister as he tried to make his way back to his lover. He was distressed to find whenever he felt he was getting close, Gon would only drift further and further away, Killua felt like he was wading through mud. It was becoming more difficult to move his feet in the sand._

No! No, Gon, please!

“ _Onii-chan, why did you leave us? Why did you do this to us?”_

_Killua turned to look in the deep black eyes of Nanika, the moonlight shining on her pale skin and making her look more alien than person. A shiver wracked its way through Killua’s body._

“ _N-Nanika, I-I didn’t--” Killua shook his head, fiercely, searching for words to explain but finding none. He just wanted to save Gon!_

“ _Bungee. Gum.” A melodic voice rang out and suddenly his sister was ripped from Killua’s grip, Gon plucked from the sand like a small toy in a box. “A sweet kiss from my elastic love.” The voice was calm, almost affectionate in tone._

Hisoka!

“ _Gon! Alluka!” Killua yelled, watching as their bodies dangled mid-air wrapped up in pink aura. “Put them down, leave them alone! We made a deal!”_ Take me, take me! Leave them alone! _Killua felt like he couldn’t breathe._

“ _This game of cat and mouse has been so fun...”_

“ _Where are you, you asshole!?” Killua yelled, feeling as if the voice was simply in his head as he twisted around this way and that for the magician but finding nothing but darkness._

“ _Killua, you’re looking in the wrong place.”_

_Killua’s blood ran cold, his hands trembled as he turned to face the hanging bodies, they were facing him with arms dangling at their sides and blood streaming from their eyes._

“ _No! Nooooo!”_

Killua was gasping and panting, grasping at his chest as his heart pounded against his bones painfully. He quickly took stock of his surroundings. He was in his bedroom at the mansion, the curtains filtering in sunlight and declaring a warm, sunny day though Killua felt anything but.

_A dream, a nightmare.. Just a nightmare.._

Killua scrubbed a hand over his face and took one long deep breath, holding it in for several seconds before letting go to calm himself. With more effort than usually necessary, he forced himself out of bed and tried to get his day started. He worked through the menial tasks of Zoldyck business, fielding phone calls from potential clients, arguing with Milluki about another ridiculous invention that wasn’t entirely useful for murder, overseeing bank accounts of the family members and ensuring their payments went through and trying to avoid his mother every time she tried to hover over him.

For all the action assassination afforded him, the actual process of it was incredibly monotonous. Killua desperately needed a break only a few hours later, not just because his eyes were burning from the number of documents he had to go through but there was also a feeling inside of him, a cold clammy feeling holed up. Something just felt… _Off_ about the day.

 _Maybe it was my nightmare_ , Killua mused as he walked outside the estate. He needed air, he needed space, he needed… Killua didn’t know _what_ he needed, he wiped sweat from his palms onto his pants.

“Master Zoldyck.” Canary greeted her employer and bowed in respect, Killua simply nodded at her.

Since finding out about Gotoh, he hadn’t gone out of his way to seek out any butler beyond Tsubone who was usually by his side, anyway. Gotoh’s death still weighed heavy on Killua’s shoulders though he did his best to push the intrusive feelings away. From what he had last heard, the magical beast who was masquerading as Gotoh was gone, back to his family and his life, Killua envied him sometimes. What he wouldn’t give to go back to his old life, to the family he had created on Whale Island.

Killua no longer had any plan. He couldn’t go back to Whale Island, not just because his family signed over everything to him but because he could no longer face Gon or Alluka. He was a killer. He had taken more lives than he could ever save. Killua’s only mission was to get through day by day, to train harder.

“Sir, I--”

A pained whine interrupted cut through the air, something so loud it shook the ground beneath them before they heard a loud snap and all went quiet. The hair on Killua’s neck stood on end and the sticky feeling inside of him grew. He felt an immense aura from a distance.

Canary had her her cane ready as she took a defensive position and the two advanced, following in the direction of both aura and sound.

It didn’t take long for either of them to assess the situation they came upon shortly after, a large figure was lying still in the dirt, dark brown fur blowing in the wind. Killua stopped, terror gripping him.

_Mike!_

“Young Killua! I’ve made it through your gatekeepers! Will you reward me now?” A familiar clown magician giggled, something menacing and perverse in sound. Killua grit his teeth, remembering his nightmare from earlier and his hands balled into fists.

_Mike.. He killed Mike.. And there’s no way Zebro would have let him in.._

_The only way would be if he--_

“You do not have permission to enter the grounds. I’ll have to remove you by force, sir.” Canary twisted her cane between her fingers, bending her knees in a crouch so as to defend her young Master against Hisoka.

Hisoka shrugged, looking more amused than anything else. “Ah, well I could use a warm up--”

“Canary, leave.” Killua interrupted the pervert and demanded of his butler. He didn’t want her to get hurt.

“S-sir--!” Canary turned to Killua with wide eyes, attempting to argue though Killua was having none of it.

“This is my business to deal with, leave. That’s an order.” Killua gave her a serious look, knowing she wouldn’t be able to go against heir of the estate so easily.

“I—y-yes, sir.” Canary stuttered and lowered her cane, she turned her back to the Zoldyck and made her way towards the estate. While Killua commanded her to leave, he didn’t tell her she couldn’t alert Tsubone and call in the cavalry.

“Hisoka...” Killua faced off against the one man who had seemingly taken everything away from him.

“Ah, I must admit, I am a bit early. You did say 3 months and it’s a few weeks shy. But I couldn’t help but become excited and surprise you!” Hisoka gave him a smile and Killua glowered in return.

_He wanted to catch me off guard, but did he think I wouldn’t be ready?_

“I don’t mind if I kill you a few weeks earlier.” And Killua didn’t. He had been training nearly everyday with Illumi and felt confident in his ability to take Hisoka down. The pervert would never lay a hand on Gon or Alluka, he would never lay another finger on anyone. And Killua would be the one who made sure of it.

“Oh, Killua..” Hisoka hummed in pleasure, “I do admire your wit so! I’ll miss it when you’re gone!”

Killua cringed, “Are you done talking? I’m already fucking bored.” He growled.

Hisoka smirked, releasing the full extent of his blood lust as he slowly made his way to Killua. The silver haired boy grit his teeth, meeting Hisoka head on with his own powerful aura, the two clashing and forcing even animals in the trees to shrink away from their combined darkness and depravity. Killua’s hair stood on end, electricity pulsing around him and Hisoka licked his lips in hunger to fight off a strong foe.

Killua made the first move, striking first with a fist and Hisoka quickly blocked, pushing Killua off and a few feet back. Killua landed soundlessly in the dirt, feet sliding and making a path in the soft earth. He smirked, pressing hands into the ground and using a more powerful version of his _shock wave_. The ground between the two shook and with great force combined with speed, pillars of hardened ground shot out at Hisoka. Two pillars slammed into Hisoka’s chest, thrusting him in the air, Hisoka’s eyes widened, surprised and impressed at Killua’s technique. He quickly used his bungee gum, sticking it onto the pillars and using the momentum as a sling shot to push himself towards Killua, a leg jutting out to harm the boy but Killua’s Nen reacted instantaneously and he smoothly dodged using Hisoka’s close presence to land a kick of his own against the magician clown’s abdomen without holding any strength back.

Hisoka released his bungee gum as he flew back, connecting the gum with both hands to the floor bringing him back down to land on his feet.

“My, my Killua. What a beautiful technique!” Hisoka laughed, wiping a small trail of blood that leaked from the inside of his mouth to the flesh beyond his lips.

Killua groaned, tired of Hisoka’s constant talking.

“Shut the fuck up and fight me!” Killua growled, his ire and disgust rising, he just wanted everything to be over, he wanted Hisoka dead!

“Killua.” Hisoka smirked, “you’re looking in the wrong place.”

Killua broke out into a cold sweat, distracted by the fact that line was an exact repetition of his nightmare a few hours earlier, the fear and terror of seeing a bloody Gon and Alluka filling him and nearly freezing him in place. If it weren’t for Killua’s Nen ability, he would have been too distracted to block the tree ripped from its roots and flying at him from his blind spot.

He hadn’t dodged, arms going up in defense the instant the tree came within two feet of him, the tree knocked him off his feet, he felt the bark break apart against his body and cut into his skin. He landed with the tree on top of him, though the pain hadn’t been anything close to excruciating, it still hurt and it only served to piss the teenager off.

Without warning, the tree was lifted off Killua and thrown a good distance away though Killua noted it wasn’t because of any move he or Hisoka had made.

“What do you think you’re doing to Killu, Hisoka?” Illumi’s voice came from behind Killua and he turned to see his older brother standing behind him. Illumi gave his younger brother a passive look before extending his hand to help him up.

_Ill-nii?_

Killua accepted without too much hesitation, getting to his feet and picking tree bark from his arm.

“Oh my, you’ve made it to the show early!” Hisoka exclaimed though he didn’t look entirely displeased by the presence of another Zoldyck.

“Did you kill Mike?” Illumi tilted his head, looking behind Hisoka to the large dog that appeared to not be breathing.

“The pup? Hmm, what easy prey, I expected to be a bit more impressed with the Zoldyck guard dog.” Hisoka almost looked bored at this, shrugging his shoulders and putting hands on his hips.

“You’re not trying to hurt Killu, are you, Hisoka?” The real question Illumi wanted answered immediately and if it were the wrong one...

“Hurt? No, not at all.” Hisoka licked his lips and giggled. “I’m here to kill him.” His voice was thick, heady and quite frankly revolted the silver haired boy across from him.

Illumi’s eyes widened, long black hair flowing around him as he brought forth his Nen. Birds in trees flew for miles and even Killua couldn’t help the tremor that rocked through him at the sheer darkness of it.

“Hisoka,” Illumi’s voice was more than a warning. “I told you I’d kill you if you ever laid a hand on him.” Illumi’s hands went to his pockets, coming out quickly to reveal needles between his fingers and Killua side stepped away from his brother at the sight of them. He didn’t know what to make of the situation at hand, certainly Hisoka wasn’t stupid enough to take both brother’s on at the same time. But the only way out of this was for him to do exactly that.

“I know! I am looking forward to it! I did want to see the look on your face when I presented you with the dead body of your beloved Killua.” Hisoka was absolutely giddy, imagining the limp body of Killua Zoldyck as a gift for his older counterpart.

“Killu.” Illumi called, his voice gravelly. He spoke the one word Killua had spent years trying to erase from his mind. _“Run.”_

Killua stumbled back a few steps, making a small sound in his throat and gritting his teeth as he quickly considered his brother’s command. He could leave, Killua could turn away and let both men fight to the death but he couldn’t—no, Hisoka was _his._

“Ill-ni I ca—ACK!” Killua gasped as he was flung backward through the air, passing an angry looking Illumi and slamming harshly to the ground without any control whatsoever.

_Shit, that hurt!_

“Now, now, Illu. Don’t take away all of my fun!” Hisoka purred, pulling Killua closer using his Bungee Gum just for the fun of it and Killua growled in frustration.

_Goddamnit! Motherfu--_

“Hisoka!” Illumi’s voice was low and menacing and Hisoka smirked beside Killua before releasing a loud and boisterous laugh.

“Tell you what, young Killua. I’ll pause our fight but feel free to _stick_ around.” Hisoka threw his arm out to the side and Killua’s back began to drag in the dirt, small pieces of rock cutting into his skin and dirt clinging to his clothing and hair. Killua attempted digging his palms into the earth to stop himself

but it was in vain, his body suddenly lifting from the ground and he yelled, reaching hands out to grab hold of something—anything before feeling a sharp pain on the back of his head and then— _nothing_. There was _nothing_. Only darkness.

Killua woke when his head slammed against something hard, inhaling a mouthful of what tasted like dirt. He blinked his eyes open, vision blurry before everything came into focus. He groaned, pressing a hand to the back of his head as pain stung through, his palm coming back covered in blood and dirt.

_Ow…!_

He noted a moment later that there was silence, too much silence. Weren’t Illumi and Hisoka in front of him just a moment ago? When he looked up beyond the trees and dirt, he noticed figures lying in the earth, neither moving. He sluggishly pushed himself off the dirt floor, spitting out the grit in his mouth and groaning.

“Fucking disgusting..” His body felt slightly achy and his head light but he trudged through, making his way back towards the clearing.

_Aniki!_

Lying in the dirt with eyes wide open and cards sticking out of nearly every inch of the man’s blood stained chest was Illumi, skin appearing even more pale than normal. “Aniki!” Killua yelled, rushing his way over to his older brother. “A-Aniki!” He tried again though he knew it was in vain.

_No!_

Though Killua at times felt he truly despised Illumi with every fiber of his being, they were still brothers and Illumi was willing to do anything to protect Killua, at all costs. Even if that cost was his life.

Tears sprang to his eyes and a sob choked him. He fell back onto his bottom, slowly inching away from the dead body, all he could think was that his brother looked like a doll. Pale and wax like, deep black eyes wide and still. _Aniki.. Aniki.._

Killua caught red in the corner of his eye, turning quickly as he remembered there was another person with them on the estate and he grit his teeth, swallowing hard before working to breathe shakily through his nose. He pushed himself up to stand and made slow steps to the other body several feet away from his brother. When he saw Hisoka’s body, Killua quickly covered his mouth and turned away. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop his body from trembling as tears poured down his face.

When he mustered the strength to turn back, he inched closer and clenched his jaw.

Hisoka was nearly unrecognizable, several of Illumi’s needles sticking around his face and contorting it, disfiguring the bones. That wasn’t what truly made Killua feel sick to his stomach. No. It was that even with needles sticking out of his head, even going through the pain of bones breaking and contorting, Hisoka was smiling. Even in death, the madman found something perverse to be happy about.

Killua couldn’t stop the urge to throw up this time, turning and falling to his knees as he emptied the contents of his stomach, snot running from his nose and tears falling down his cheeks. After a few minutes all he could do was dry heave, his stomach contracting and throat burning.

_He’s dead.. They’re all dead and it’s my fault!_

“Killua-chan!” The voice reached him before several sets of footsteps did and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Tsubone or anyone else who had come with the older woman. “Canary, get the rest of the butler’s immediately, alert the eldest Zoldyck of what’s transpired. We need to move quickly.” Tsubone commanded before kneeling beside a sick Killua. “Master Zoldyck, are you injured?”

Killua did not reply, at a loss of what to do or say. He was in shock and he knew it. It was ironic to him, that he could kill so many people without a second thought but seeing someone dead that meant something to him and he was suddenly a wreck?

Tsubone began her ministrations, examining each limb of Killua’s slowly, taking in his scrapes and bruises, noting the wounds on his arm and touching the spot behind his scalp where blood was stained. Killua winced and let out a small grunt when she touched the tender wound.

“We’ll fix this, young master. Nothing that won’t heal.” Tsubone said to him and Killua wanted to laugh. _No,_ he thought _. No, you can’t fix this. I killed all of them, it’s my fault._

 

**X-X-X**

It was several days before Killua’s injuries healed, it was nothing serious and his regeneration time was pretty quick. Beyond telling his father and grandfather about the events that Killua recollected before he was knocked unconscious by Hisoka, he had not left his room, not even to eat. He also hadn’t slept, staying awake when the moon was high and listening to the loud sobs of his mother several floors below. Killua thought it strange that since finding Illumi dead he had not cried a single time.

In truth, Killua did not know what to do or how to feel. It was sickening to him, that there were moments where he felt almost glad that Illumi was no longer around to hurt him or Alluka and Nanika. Illumi had been obsessed with their sister’s. Even more obsessed with controlling Killua and now… Now he was free.

But he did not know what to do.

And so, he allowed the weight to crush him.

“Killua.” A grating voice called and the teenage boy poked his head out of his bed sheets to see his grandfather walking towards him, he sighed and threw the sheets off, sitting up as he knew his grandfather didn’t come just for the teenager’s warm company. Zeno Zoldyck kept a slow pace, hands behind his back and sat perched on the edge of Killua’s bed.

Killua noted it was the most casual setting he’d seen his grandfather in and he had to stop the laughter that almost fell from his lips.

“Killua, I have advised your father to accept Kalluto as heir of the Zoldyck family business.” Zeno spoke slowly, allowing the weight and seriousness of his words to hit his grandson.

“Wh-what?” Killua stuttered, completely taken aback, completely confused. _He did what?_

“You can’t head what is not in you.” His grandfather said cryptically and Killua blinked.

“Ji-chan, I don’t--”

“You’re not an assassin, Killua. Though it may pain your father to admit, you are not a killer like us.”

Killua did laugh this time.

“I’ve been killing people for years, ji-chan. I even killed Zebro, Mike, aniki--” Killua stopped, gritting his teeth and fighting against the pain he felt inside. The guilt that was truly eating away at him, their blood and lives on his hands.

“We are not all here forever, young Killua. There will be casualties in every fight, if you can not live with that, you’ve too much a conscience for this line of work.” And this was the closest to comfort anyone could say Zeno Zoldyck had ever offered another person.

Killua swallowed hard, trying to discern what his grandfather was saying. “You’re okay with Illumi’s death being my fault!? That everyone is dead because of me!?” He spit, allowing his own hatred for himself override him.

_I couldn’t save them, and it was my fault they were in danger to begin with!_

“I would prefer no one in the family dead and I’m sure your brother thought the same way when he went for the magician. Loss is eventual, but we move on.” Zeno sighed, “We do not place blame or fault.”

_If I hadn’t told Hisoka--_

“It doesn’t matter how the magician came, it would have been a fight to the death in either case. Illumi thought you were worth saving.”

And at this, Killua felt a world of thoughts he never delved into, brows furrowing and eyes blinking at his grandfather’s words. _He thought my life was worth saving…? Illumi fought against Hisoka knowing… Knowing the outcome could be death._

“If you insist on staying on the estate, I’m sure Kikyo would be delighted. But if I recall correctly, there’s a boy and a sister waiting on a secluded island for your return.” Zeno offered.

_What…? What is he saying..?_

“You are a Zoldyck, Killua. But this is no longer your home and you made that very clear the day you decided to leave and take the Hunter’s Exam 5 years ago.” His grandfather’s tone held no malice, in fact, it held no emotion whatsoever, he was simply stating what he believed to be fact. The mattress shifted then, Zeno raising himself and walking back out the door he came through.

_Ji-chan…_

The older Zoldyck paused, turning his head Killua’s way to address him. “I’ve made Tsubone available to you at all hours, all arrangements will go through her.”

“Ji-chan!” Killua called after his grandfather. “M-my bargain, if I leave, then Nanika--”

“We will entrust Nanika’s care to you, Killua. If you can not take life, perhaps we can believe you have the ability to _nurture_ it.”

Killua felt choked by his own emotions. And his grandfather did not stick around, opting to leave his grandson to his own thoughts and shutting the door behind him.

_Kalluto… As heir?_

_Ji-chan... did this for me…?_

Killua began to laugh, his heart feeling slightly light as he thought about everything his grandfather had just told him.

_They’re safe.. My sister’s and Gon.. They’re safe!? It worked. It all worked and they’re going to be okay._

Killua’s laughter didn’t stop, he continued for several minutes until he felt wetness on his cheeks, the laughter turning to sobbing as relief and despair flooded through him. He did it, he actually did it! He saved them.. But was it too late for himself?

How could he face them, again? How could he go back to Gon and look him in the eyes? How could he wrap his arms around Alluka without seeing the face of the young girl he abducted and orphaned? And knowing Kurapika may still be with them… After he betrayed his friend.

 _No._ No, Killua didn’t think he could go back. But what else could he do?

He didn’t want this, anymore. He didn’t want to kill, hadn’t wanted to in years.

_I want.._

_No!_

Killua buried his face in his hands. He knew _exactly_ what he wanted.

He could feel warm sea breeze across his skin, smell the open land surrounding the small island and even hear the chirping, singing of birds in the trees.

Zeno had told Killua that Kukuroo Mountain was no longer his home and he was right, there was only one place Killua considered home. One person whose arms felt safest.

Booming laughter, beaming smile, spiky hair.. Perfect tanned skin..

“No..” He whined, wanting to block every memory out and bury it as far as he could. Killua turned over and groaned, sniffling through a clogged nose.

_But.. How could I not go?_

Killua couldn’t stop himself from entertaining it, seduced by thoughts of warm arms and warmer smiles, of laughter coming from a sweet dark haired girl, of fireflies surrounding trees.

He had spent so long without Gon before, so long in pain and simply surviving the way he was now though he didn’t have a younger sister to look after or make him smile this time. Instead, he isolated himself.

Killua realized suddenly he was backsliding, everything he had done to get this far was almost for naught and it was his fault.

“ _Illumi thought you were worth saving.”_

“ _I’m not leaving! I’m not leaving until I fucking see Killua!”_

All these years, tormented by his own pain and fear. He thought ripping out Illumi’s needles was the end of it but it was so ingrained in him that it stopped him, even now. His self hatred, his regret, his contempt.

How could Killua hide behind his fear, even now? How could he cower and do what was easy? How could he _willingly_ give up the one man he loved and his baby sister’s?

_I can’t live like this… I can’t do this!_

_If not for me… Then for them! For my sister’s!_

_For Gon!_

“Aniki.” Killua called aloud, though he didn’t know if spirits or ghosts were real, didn’t know what came after death and never put much thought into it. But he spoke to whoever or whatever was listening. “I won’t waste this second chance.”

_I’m sorry, but thank you._

He hadn’t forgiven himself but he was determined to _redeem_ himself.

He pushed himself out of bed, showering for the first time in days. He dressed in the brightest colors he owned (purple and blue) and made his way straight for Tsubone, upon seeing him the old woman smiled as if she knew exactly what Killua would ask of her.

She would never admit it but she was incredibly fond of the teenage boy that Zeno Zoldyck told her to watch over since he had come back to the Zoldyck Estate.

“Tsubone, I have two requests for you and I need you to make arrangements immediately, call in every favor, cost isn’t an issue.”

**X-X-X**

It took Killua an entire week to get back to Whale Island, having to wait an extra day for a ship that would take him to the proper port. He was antsy. He felt his determination wane, fear setting back in and anxiety in his bones. Setting foot back on the port felt equal parts comforting and terrifying.

 _Home_ , he thought. _This is home…_

_Will they accept me?_

Hiking up his single duffle bag, apart of him knew a smart move would be to call or text Gon or Alluka but since he had smashed his phone to pieces and hadn’t memorized either of their numbers, he was left with no way to communicate. He would apologize to them after he entered their numbers into his new phone. _If Gon or Alluka agree..._

He suddenly felt fear in his bones as he thought about his younger sister, there’s no way Alluka wouldn’t smack him in the face a few times, kick and scream, board herself up in her room and ignore him until it became painful.

Killua shivered, _Alluka will definitely be terrifying to deal with._

The boy’s new smart phone suddenly rang out in his pocket and Killua lifted the phone to his ear.

“Master Zoldyck, I have the information you requested. It did cost a pretty penny but the information is accurate, I am sending it to you now via a secure messaging system.” Tsubone greeted him and Killua nodded though he knew she couldn’t see him.

“Good. Thank you, Tsubone.” He ended the call when another separate ping alerted him to a new message. He scrolled through the information, his mood slightly darkening as he took it all in. He sighed before pocketing the phone, he had already made his mind up with this and he wouldn’t waver, he was just pissed the situation had stayed what it was.

The teenage boy made his way through the port, a few of the barters and traders greeting him as he had been down there so often with Gon and Alluka that they were already on semi-friendly terms. Killua’s apprehension faded little by little with each welcoming and warm smile, he took in the smell of fresh fish and the sound of loud port bartering.

_Yeah, home._

It wasn’t until Killua reached the woods and dirt path that led to his home on the hill that Killua felt trepidation, once again. His palms began to feel clammy, underarms and back of his neck beginning to sweat and stomach turning. He compulsively swallowed and licked his lips to attempt some type of psychosomatic calm but failed when he heard how loud his own heart beat was pounding.

Killua trudged further, knowing it was too late to go back, too late to let doubt and fear control him. He had already made it so far, he couldn’t turn away. And there was anticipation inside of him, his heart pounding fiercely as he thought of seeing his baby sister’s again, of seeing Gon again…

_Damn sweaty palms!_

Killua began wiping his perspiring hands on his shirt when the hairs on the back of his neck suddenly stood on end, he felt as if he were being watched. He swiftly turned in the direction he felt eyes on him, feeling an incredible aura wrack him though it was not malicious. His heart began to beat faster, he knew exactly what this aura felt like, had spent months lying beside the man it emanated from and let it wrap around him like a blanket on a cold night.

“Killuuuaaaaaaa!” A loud shout came from the trees in front of him and suddenly a figure burst through, flying from the branches. Killua braced himself for impact.

A dark skinned teenage boy with spiky hair and the sun for a smile crashed into Killua, arms around his neck, legs around his waist and Killua felt the most pleasant sensation of breathlessness.

_Gon.. Gon!_

Killua held on so tightly to Gon, he thought he might break his bones but he didn’t care. He was surrounded by Gon. The smell of earth and dirt and nature, the feel of smooth sun kissed and warmed skin, his face buried in Gon’s neck and taking in every single sensation as if it were the last.

_Fuck! Damn! This feels so good.._

“Killua, Killua, Killuaaa!” Gon chanted, rubbing his hands up and down Killua’s back then moving to his shoulder’s, pushing away to feel at his chest before running up the sides of his neck to cradle either side of Killua’s face. “Killua..” Gon whispered, nuzzling noses with Killua and the silver haired boy couldn’t look away, so hungry for his ocean blue to stare into deep brown. Gon’s eyes quickly trailed down to his lips and Killua couldn’t resist moving in to kiss him, roughly. 3 months worth of pent up love, anger, sadness and worry. It was messy, teeth knocking and tongues swirling. Killua decided these were the only kind of kisses he ever wanted to have. It was _perfect._

Gon was the first to pull away with Killua following after him for more, Gon pushed him back and suddenly all joy and light disappeared from his eyes. Killua almost dropped Gon but held steady, prepared for whatever Gon was going to throw at him though he was deeply afraid.

“Gon, I--”

**SMACK!**

Killua’s head twisted to the side painfully, his cheek immediately burning and the side of his face feeling like he’d just been hit with a rock.

_Owwwwwwww!_

“What the hell is wrong with Killua!? Killua thinks you can just abandon me and your sister’s, worry Kurapika and then come back and everything’s okay again!” Gon unwrapped his legs from Killua’s waist and the boy pulled his hands back to himself even though he wanted more than anything to keep touching Gon and never stop. “Does Killua have any idea how worried we’ve been!? Me and Alluka-chan called Killua every single day! I left voicemails, text messages! And then when Killua does call me, you tell me that it’s over and to never call Killua again!?” Gon yelled, nostrils flaring and eyes shining.

Killua braced himself for another smack to the face. He didn’t expect it to be more metaphorical than literal, though.

“Killua’s the worst boyfriend! You know that!?”

_Fuck!_

“I-I’m sorry Gon. I-I can’t even begin to tell you, I don’t--” Killua swallowed, his fear rearing its ugly head again. He turned away, long hair falling into his face. “I understand if you don’t—if you want me to leave, then I’ll--”

_Maybe this was a mistake.._

“No!” Gon argued, taking Killua’s hands in his and holding them in a vice grip. Killua looked up in surprise. “K-Killua has to earn forgiveness, you have to earn our trust back, again!” Gon implored of the boy he was still in love with and Killua’s eyes softened.

_When you look at me like that, when you say these things…_

_Am I even still worthy?_

“Come on, everyone’s at home, there are a few people who I know will be happy to see Killua!” Gon was giving his best smile and Killua felt warmth radiate through his chest. Gon held tight to one of Killua’s hands and he didn’t mind his own sweaty palms.

_He’s angry but he still wants to hold my hand and smile at me **like that**.._

“Gon.” He called, butterflies swimming inside when the spiky haired teen turned to him.

_He’s real and this isn’t a dream._

“I-I did it, Gon. The family, they’ll never-they won’t come after us. Nanika and Alluka are safe.” Killua was too excited to keep it a secret, wanting Gon to know that even though nothing went to plan, it still worked out in the end.

Gon smiled at Killua, squeezing his hand.

Even though Killua was happy, even though Killua was beside Gon and they were heading home together, something still felt… Off inside of Killua. His self-doubt ever present, his darkness hanging over him like a cloud. He didn’t know how to show it to Gon or if he should even show it, at all.

He didn’t want to do it right then, though. He wanted some peace, he wanted something beautiful and wonderful first. Killua could deal with darkness later.

“Everyone’s missed Killua.” Gon interrupted their short silence, “Kurapika, h-he called me a few weeks ago, said he saw Killua and--” Gon pursed his lips, squeezing Killua’s hand again “You weren’t in good shape.” He cast Killua a worried glance. “Did Killua know we went to Kukuroo Mountain?”

Killua looked away in shame, guessing the darkness couldn’t wait _that_ long. “Y-yeah, I uhh--” Killua cleared his throat. “I was there..” _Hiding in the shadows. Like a coward._

“Killua..” Gon said his name in the saddest way and Killua hated himself in that moment. He should have said something, he should have spoken to Gon, but he didn’t and he couldn’t go back and do it now.

“Gon, please. I can’t--” Killua shook his head back and forth. “I can’t talk about it. Not now. Is that okay?”

_If I could hold onto this little piece of something good before you turn me away.._

Gon’s eyes softened, squeezing Killua’s hand. “I’ll be here for Killua.”

_Will you, Gon?_

Killua sighed, shoulders sagging and he brought Gon’s fingers intertwined with his to his lips, laying a soft kiss on them, pleased when Gon’s cheeks deepened into a rose red.

He could watch it happen forever. He wanted to.

How could Kukuroo Mountain feel like anything but a distant nightmare when something so incredible existed in front of him?

“Come on! Alluka-chan and Nanika will be happy to know you’re home!” Gon insisted, pulling Killua forward and racing side by side with hands still held together. Killua laughed, a real laugh, an honest laugh created by pure joy instead of hysteria or anger or sadness.

And even though Killua knew Alluka’s reaction would be decidedly worse than Gon’s, seeing their house on the hill with the faded yellow porch made him smile.

“I-I have to admit to Killua that Kurapika isn’t the only one who wanted to plan a jailbreak for you.” Gon said, panting more from excitement than actual exertion as they approached their door. Killua’s brow raised in question and Gon laughed. “Killua will see!”

_Laugh again, say my name again, I don’t ever want to stop hearing the sound of your voice.._

“Mito-san, I hope you’ve made extra food! I found someone who looked lost in the forest and brought him home!” Gon yelled as they entered their home together. Killua lost himself in the simple smell, Mito-san was always hard at work cooking for the boys as they never stopped eating. He couldn’t stop himself from taking in every sight again, as if he were seeing it for the first time. It couldn’t have been more different from the Zoldyck mansion. Everything about the Zoldyck’s was perfectly coiffed and done with extravagance. But Gon and Mito-san’s home—Killua’s home was small, the furniture mix matched and not a single fake bouquet of flowers in sight.

“Gon, I don’t know what I’m going to do with--” Mito-san had began to scold her son, coming out from the kitchen with a hand on her hip when she spotted her long lost recently adopted son. She gasped, tears immediately filling her eyes as she smiled and ran to hug Killua. “Oh, my boy! Both of my boys!” She cried before pulling away and smacking a rag in Killua’s face.

_Goddamn Freecss’!_

“No phone calls? No letters? You worried your sister and Gon! Really, what were you thinking!?” She scolded him, nose pinched up and mouth set in a thin line and Killua couldn’t help but laugh again. Missing the sight of any angry Mito-san, missing the love she radiated even when she was upset, missing how honest and open and loving this world felt. Mito-san sighed, doing her best not to smile back at the silver haired boy.

“I’m sorry, aunt Mito-san! It’ll never happen again!” Killua’s own eyes were almost watering, the feeling of being so cared for in such a way after all the darkness he experienced was overwhelming.

“It better not, Killua Zoldyck!” She pointed a finger in his face and he shrank back, genuinely afraid of the power this woman had. “Now, go say hello to everyone else—your sister first! After that, you’ll clean up and get ready for lunch. You understand me, young man?”

“Y-yes, aunt Mito-san.” Killua stuttered, cheeks reddening under the woman’s gaze. Mito-san eyed him for a few more seconds to ensure she put the fear of God inside him before nodding to herself and smiling. She hummed in content and then turned away, walking back to the kitchen. _I’ve misse_ _d you, too.._

“Come on, Alluka-chan’s probably in her room with everyone else.” Gon reminded him, pulling Killua up the stairs and down their hallway.

_Everyone else? Who are these people Mito-san and Gon keep mentioning?!_

“How-how have they been?” Killua asked about his sister’s.

Gon gave Killua a meaningful look he couldn’t discern. “Nanika’s been taking it hard, she won’t really come out. Not without a lot of coaxing, at least. And Alluka-chan…” Gon sighed, “We’re just lucky she’s had distractions recently. But--” Gon pulled Killua’s hand, stopping him from making the rest of the way to Alluka’s room. “Killua really hurt her, she was sad for a long while.” Gon frowned and Killua could only imagine what he’d done to his sister, what he’d inadvertently forced Gon to deal with.

“Thank you for taking care of them.”

“Unh! Alluka-chan and Nanika are my sister’s too! I’d do anything for them. It’s the only reason why I left Kukuroo Mountain that day with Kurapika—b-but that’s for another time. Go on.” Gon urged Killua and even twisted the door knob for him.

Anxiety settled in the pit of Killua’s stomach and he felt like he was going to vomit even though he hadn’t eaten since the day before. Killua decided to leave his bag on the floor beside Alluka’s door, not wanting anything to keep him from holding his sister the way he wanted.

The sound of laughter reached his ears though it was not just his sister’s, it was multiple voices.

“Uno!” A nasally voice yelled, “HAHA!”

_What the--?_

“Leorio, you have two cards!” Kurapika scolded.

Killua had opened the door to find his little sister, Kurapika and goddamn _Leorio_ _Paladiknight_ sitting in a circle playing a game of cards.

Alluka was the first to look up, a smile on her face before casting eyes on her older brother and it disappeared completely. The smile clearly not meant for him.

Her eyes immediately watered, lower lip trembling and she was sobbing within seconds. The two men looked towards the young girl with worry before following her gaze and meeting Killua Zoldyck.

“O-Onii-chaaaaaaan!” Alluka cried, throwing down her deck of cards and stumbling through their game of cards. She threw herself at her brother and he wrapped her up in strong arms, lifting her feet from the ground and holding her against his chest.

Killua felt a piece of his heart break as his sister screamed and wailed in his arms, her words being lost in a garbled mess. Killua fell to his knees, cradling his sister to his chest and trying so hard to fight back his own tears as he felt his sister’s anguish.

“I’m sorry!” Killua apologized, “Alluka, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I missed you. I missed you more than I could ever tell you, I--”

“N-n-nooo!” Alluka began to kick and fight against Killua, slapping her hands anywhere they could touch down on her brother’s body. Killua winced as she continuously smacked him on the back of his head, his back, shoulders and the side of his face she had access to.

“Ow! Shit—fuck! Alluka!” He yelled as she hit the semi-tender spot Hisoka had injured nearly a week and a half ago.

“Y-Y-you’re a jerk! Onii-chan ignored me! You d-didn’t s-say a-a-a-anything to m-me for mooonths!” Alluka sputtered through an argument while still sobbing. She began to push him away, fighting to get out of his arms and Killua thought for a moment he would continue to hold on--until she screamed so loud in his hear, he thought an eardrum had burst.

“Damnit!” He yelled, setting his sister beside him and letting her go.

“Onii-chan, g-get out!”

“Wh-what?!”

“I! Said! Get! Out!” She started pushing Killua out of her room, using as much force as possible and he began to fall back. “I d-don’t want t-to talk to you! I don’t w-want to s-see you! You-you don’t e-even care a-about us!” The door immediately slammed in Killua’s face, the force of it blowing his hair from his face and his heart sank. There was a literal and metaphorical wall between himself and his sister. All he wanted was to break it down.

_Alluka.._

_I knew this shit was going to be tough..._

“Alluka-chan will get over it. She usually does.”

Killua turned to Gon with furrowed brows, he already knew Alluka’s habits and the way her anger and melodrama was, but he wondered again exactly how much Gon knew of it since Alluka hadn’t acted that way before Killua left. It had to have happened _after._

He suddenly felt like a stranger within his own relationships.

A loud and frustrated shout was heard from the other side of the door, clearly feminine before the door swung open and another person was cast out. Door slamming behind him.

Killua sent the other outcast—Leorio a cool look. “You got banned, too?”

Leorio grunted, shoulders hunching as he fished his hands into his suit pants pockets. “It’s your fault, anyway. Just because I’m not as soothing as Kurapika is, hmph!” Leorio sniffed and turned away for a second before he realized it was the first time in months he had seen his dear friend. He sent a small smile Killua’s way and offered a hand out to help him. “I hear you were being held captive.” Leorio quipped.

Killua snorted, accepting Leorio’s arm and raising himself. “Something like that. Wha--!”

Leorio had pulled Killua into a hug, holding on fiercely and feeling more relief than he was letting on. “When I got the phone call from Gon that you were in trouble, I didn’t know what to do, kid! I came rushing over as soon as I could only to hear that you were back on Kukuroo Mountain, why would you go and do something stupid like that!?”

Killua felt his face heat up, “I-I’m not a kid, we’re practically the same age! It’s not my fault you look like an old man!” He tried to fight his way out of the hug but Leorio was. Not. Budging. He sighed in frustration.

“Can you be serious for one second!?” Leorio squashed Killua to his chest.

Killua understood then that Leorio’s concern went deeper and he felt shameful, cared for and even more embarrassed-if at all possible-all at the same time.

 _Kurapika_ and _Leorio?!_

“It-it was a means to an end. I knew I’d have to go back eventually, one way or another. It just happened earlier on than I thought it would.” Killua muttered, it was the simplest reply he could give but it was also honest. Killua had always shoved that thought down but even when he first took Alluka, the knowledge a showdown of some sort with the rest of the Zoldyck family had been considered.

Leorio sighed. “I’m glad you’re back. I’m-I’m glad you’re okay.”

 _Okay?_ Am I _okay?_

“Killua..” Gon called, reaching for his hand and intertwining their fingers, Leorio took his cue and let go of the boy he watched grow over the years. “Come on, let’s put your stuff away. You can shower, too.” Gon coaxed and tilted his head down the hallway to their room, he nodded and gave Leorio one last look before he picked up his bag, following Gon back to their room.

There was another sensation of nervousness that washed over him, he was going back to their room for the first time in months. The place where they shared late night kisses and all night cuddles, the place where he felt safest under the sheets next to a warm body.

Gon felt slight resistance as they reached their door and turned back to Killua with a sad smile, eyes softening. “Nee, it’s okay, Killua.”

Killua pursed his lips.

Their room was the same, a culmination of both boys in the place though Killua noted it smelled the exact way Gon did, as if his scent was something you could keep in a bottle and spray around. It was enough to bring him to tears, there was so much good that existed and Killua didn’t know if he even deserved half of it. He was beginning to wonder if this was a dream and it pained him to think that perhaps—perhaps he would wake up back on Kukuroo Mountain in his bedroom.

“Killua? Killua, are you okay?” Gon’s hands were cradling Killua’s face and the silver haired boy shut his eyes tight before shaking his head to bring himself back to reality and out of his harsh thoughts. “Killua, baby?” Gon asked, layers of worry in his voice and Killua couldn’t take it. He threw down his bag and tackled Gon onto their bed, the latter falling back and grunting from impact.

Killua’s arms were wrapped around Gon’s back, head buried in his chest and entire body on top of his boyfriend’s.

“Ki--”

“Don’t move. Please.”

Gon listened for a second before deciding of a better position for the two and though he was met with slight resistance on Killua’s part, he maneuvered their bodies so they were lying on their sides and cuddled up as close as possible, meeting each other’s gaze. Killua moved on natural reflex, sliding a leg between Gon’s and wrapping an arm around him the way he used to. Gon trailed his fingers through Killua’s fluffy silver white hair and the teenager sighed in pleasure, almost purring. “What happened to Killua on Kukuroo Mountain?”

Killua grit his teeth, eyes clenching shut and body tensing as he thought about the horrors he went through back at the Zoldyck Estate. _The young girl, the dead men, Illumi and Hisoka, Mike and Zebro.._

“Please, Gon.” Killua begged, he didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want any of it to be real.

Gon rested his hand on Killua’s cheek, working to stop him from grinding his teeth so hard. He softly caressed the apple of it and slowly, very slowly, Killua obeyed. His jaw unclenching and his eyes fluttering open to see Gon, the teenage boy he had been desperate to see, hear, touch, _feel_ for months.

“Gon, I-I missed you. I missed you so much, I’m sorry for the things that I said, I’m sorry for what I did! I just didn’t think—I know you won’t—once you know what I’ve done, you won’t forgive me. You’ll hate me but I’ll still want to be around you, all I want to do for the rest of my life is stay by your side. I don’t want to be anywhere else, I never want to go back to Kukuroo Mountain again. This is my home! With you and Mito-san and Alluka! And I’m so afraid I don’t deserve to keep it!” Killua blurted out, his emotions overriding him.

Gon felt his heart ache for the boy lying next to him, though he still felt his own anger and pain over Killua’s actions, the urge to comfort him did not wane. He laid small kisses upon Killua’s face, whispering words of comfort and wondering just what happened to the boy he loved with his whole heart. “I love Killua. I’ll forgive Killua, no matter what it is, I’ll forgive Killua.” He meant it.

 _Please, please, please!_ Killua begged.

_Let me keep this, tell me I’m worthy. Tell me forgiveness is possible._

“Gon, kiss me.”

The anticipation of finally connecting with Gon in this way after months made Killua’s heart pound and palms sweat.

And Gon obliged, starting off slow with closed lips before running his tongue along Killua’s lower lip to tease and will them to part. The silver haired boy gave Gon what he wanted and he stroked the tip of Killua’s tongue with his own before pulling back. Killua groaned, wrapping his fingers in the hair at the nape of Gon’s neck to hold him close before pushing himself closer and wrapping his lips around Gon’s lower, deciding to add a bit of teeth and feeling a sense of sweet release when Gon hummed in pleasure. They traded a mix of hard and soft kisses, Killua making sure he paid close attention to every sensation. How soft yet slightly chapped Gon’s lips were, how warm Gon’s breath felt fanning across his face, how close their bodies were pressed together, the pad of Gon’s thumb rubbing back and forth along Killua’s jaw.

“I missed Killua, so much!” Gon spoke against Killua’s lips, not quite kissing him but still touching in a way Killua loved.

“Lunch is ready kiddo—O-oh my god! Get a room, you two!” Leorio had burst into their room and quickly covered his eyes, retreating. Logically, he understood the two were a couple and it had been some time between them seeing each other but knowing and witnessing were two different things for the man.

Killua groaned, pissed that such a moment between himself and Gon was interrupted. “We are in a room, baka! Our own room, in fact! Learn how to knock next time!” He growled, still wrapped around Gon without shame, the boy beside him laughed and Killua turned his glare in Gon’s direction. “What are you laughing about!?”

“I just remembered how cute Killua looks when he’s upset!” Innocent, smiling and always earnest Gon.

Killua’s eyes widened and he blinked, cheeks turning Gon’s favorite pink hue. He reached up to flick Gon in the forehead the way he used to before. “You’re still corny.”

“If you boys don’t get out of there, I’ll call in the big guns! I’ll scream for Mito-san!”

And the boys knew Leorio was serious, they untangled themselves and rushed out of bed, Killua tripping over his own luggage before they raced outside their door and downstairs to meet Leorio, Kurapika and Alluka already sat at the dinner table.

Alluka was sat across from Killua, between Kurapika and Leorio. Killua wanted to say something to her, garner her attention in some way even if she wanted to yell at him. He knew his sister needed space, that her anger and pain were justified—he just wished it wasn’t aimed at him, or rather _because_ of him. His young sister was paying extra attention to Kurapika when Killua noticed an incredible difference in his sister he hadn’t realized before.

“Y-you cut your hair?!” Killua blurted in surprise, his sister’s once long locks that previously drifted past her rear had been cut to just above her shoulders.

_Her hair… She loved her hair!_

Kurapika and Alluka’s conversation was interrupted, Killua noted the way her thumb went to her mouth for a moment before she removed it and faced her older brother. “I did.” She said, indignant toward her brother and he balked.

“W-why?! You loved your hair!”

“I-it’s really not that big of a deal, it’s just hair.” Alluka shrugged, looking at anyone but Killua and the older brother felt something like irritation and confusion. Alluka was lying and Killua knew it, the girl had been growing it out for years, it wasn’t something she would be so flippant about. Killua didn’t know if it was just her anger or if maybe it truly was a wall that wasn’t going to come down for a while but Alluka had a secret, a secret she didn’t tell her dear _onii-chan_ about and it was his fault

Mito-san set the table with several different dishes, sufficiently ending the disagreement the siblings held and Killua’s stomach growled loudly against his will. He elbowed a chuckling Gon which only served to make him laugh louder. Killua scoffed and turned away, blushing under his hair. He couldn’t help it, he had felt so anxious the day before arriving on the island that he couldn’t eat but now that he was here and things were as they were, he was starving.

“Everyone, let’s please give thanks!” Mito-san spoke, pulling out her chair and sitting between Gon and Leorio. Killua hesitantly outstretched his hand to Kurapika who also linked a hand with Alluka and they all bowed their hands, closing their eyes and sitting in silence before Mito-san looked up and announced it was time to eat.

Killua packed his plate high with two different pastas, pork, dinner rolls even vegetables and some mashed potatoes. He dug in with fervor, the taste of Mito-san’s cooking unparalleled to anything else he’d ever allowed onto his palate.

“Mmm! Mito-san, everything you make is incredible!” Leorio made a few bizarre sounds of glee as he thanked the mother and she blushed at the compliment. “We don’t get food like this at the hospital!”

“Oi, old man, did you get a leave or something? How are you even still here?” Killua asked, genuinely curious as to how Leorio got away from the constant demand of being a doctor.

“W-well about that..” Leorio scratched the back of his head and chuckled.

“He went ahead and quit when vacation time wasn’t given to him.” Kurapika answered for him, short and to the point.

Killua choked on a noodle, Gon patting his back and waiting for Killua to spit up the offending food. He finally did and stuttered through a disbelieving reply. “Wh-what!? Y-you gave up y-your career!?” Killua coughed, clearing his throat before drinking water to soothe himself.

“It’s really not that big of a deal!” Leorio pushed his food around with his fork.

_Is he serious?! Stupid?! Both!?_

“Leorio--!”

“Killua.” Kurapika interrupted. “We came because of you.”

Killua blinked, subconsciously he knew this and understood it… But to bring it to his consciousness, to truly and genuinely think about the implications of that fact..

“I-I don’t--”

“Baka! We’re your friends! Of course we’re going to come running if we hear that you’re in danger!” Leorio yelled around the bite of a dinner roll.

Killua shook his head, still not willing to understand. “Y-you don’t just give up your career!” He argued, _who the hell does that?!? Why would he do that!?_

“I was in residency, I can do that anywhere.” Leorio justified, stabbing a piece of pork with his fork.

“Leorio’s right. We’re friends, no matter how much time has passed, and friends help each other when they’re in trouble. Right, Gon?” Kurapika sent a look Gon’s way that Killua knew meant more but didn’t understand and it only further served to confuse him.

“Mm!” Gon smiled around a mouthful of pasta and nodded.

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence, Killua trying to reconcile everything that had come to pass. His sister’s sudden shift not only outwardly but inwardly, Kurapika being so worried that he called and teamed up with Gon, Leorio’s blatant disregard for his career because he wanted to help Killua.

Things had changed drastically and it was because the people around him cared. Genuinely cared. Worried and wanted to do anything they could to help him.

_How is someone like me even worthy of people like this, still?_

After the table was cleared and Mito-san had declared she would be busy doing laundry if anyone needed her, Leorio was the first to speak up.

“Killua, what happened? Last I had heard, Kurapika and Gon were breaking into the testing gates only to be turned away from your brother and then, out of nowhere, you show up on the doorstep? What gives?” Leorio, always the one with priorities straight.

Killua knew to explain why he was there to begin with, he would have to be honest about what truly happened the day he had decided to leave Whale Island. This also involved admitting to Gon and Alluka that he lied to them both, he pulled the wool over their eyes practically the entire time. He swallowed hard and felt incredibly nervous, he stared at his hands for a few moments before pulling them back and hiding them in his lap. Gon reached over and rested his palm against Killua’s fingers in reassurance though Killua felt it was the last thing he deserved, the last thing Gon would want to do after he told him the entire truth.

“I--” Killua cleared his throat, “The short story is Kalluto was declared heir and I was essentially kicked out of the estate. But the long version--” He paused, gazing at his sister and boy he loved with fear before pushing himself to continue. He knew it was fight or flight, and he chose fight. “The day I decided to leave Whale Island, I didn’t get a call from someone alerting me that Illumi was close or anything like that. Hisoka had showed up--”

“What!?”

“How did he find you all the way out here!?”

Gon was still, brows furrowed and waiting for Killua to continue.

“He had been following you-us since Heaven’s Arena and I-I should have known! I could have stopped all of this maybe if-if I had--” Killua paused, gritting his teeth and knowing that asking himself of the ‘what if’s’ was in vain, everything that could have happened already did. He sighed, “Anyway, he had threatened you, Gon. All of us, really. He said he would tell Illumi where Nanika was if I didn’t give him what he wanted-which was to fight you. And I couldn’t do it! I’m sorry! Gon, Alluka, I’m sorry but I couldn’t give either of you up to him that way so I—we made a deal. I would fight him. Not one just to see who was stronger, but-”

Gon ripped his hand from Killua’s and swung back, smacking Killua harshly on the back of his head. The silver haired boy fell face forward, almost making contact with the table until he caught himself and grit his teeth against the mounting frustration and pain.

“S-stop! Fucking! Hitting me! What the hell was that for, anyway!!?” He yelled in Gon’s face while rubbing the sore spot. Why did everyone aim for the back of the head and his face!?

“Because Killua was being an idiot!” Gon yelled back, pushing back in anger.

“Being an idiot for saving your life?!”

“Being an idiot because Killua didn’t talk to me about it! And I never asked Killua to do any of that, anyway!”

“You’re the damn idiot! I did it because I’m in love with you!!”

“I’m in love with Killua, too and I was worried the entire time you were gone!”

Killua groaned, stewing in his anger while Gon did the same. Kurapika and Leorio cast each other looks, blinking at the two boys who had seemingly not changed even after years of being apart and months of being in an apparent intimate relationship with each other.

“B-baka! Y-you’re a baka!” Alluka yelled, her voice and tone surprising everyone. Tears were streaming down her face, she was gritting her teeth the way her brother would and trying to hold back her sobs. She looked at her brother in a way he had never seen before aimed at anyone or himself. Alluka was hurt, truly and genuinely hurt. And it made her angry because the pain she felt was put there by the one person she thought would never betray her.

“Alluka..”

The girl choked on a sob and roughly pushed her chair back, running past the group of men and up the stairs. Killua knew he should have granted her more space, more time.. But the sight of his sister crying, knowing it was his fault, he couldn’t stop himself from running after her. No one tried to stop him.

“Alluka!” He yelled after her, the girl tried to slam her bedroom door in his face again, but he put his hand up to stop it from closing. “Baby sister, please..” He begged, voice ragged and she let out a small cry before stepping away and allowing her brother into her room. He quickly closed it behind him and wrapped his sister in his arms, petting the back of her head in a soothing manner as she cried against him for the second time in as many hours. Killua hated himself, truly hated himself in that moment.

_What have I done?_

“I-I don’t want onii-chan to die! It hurts, onii-chan! You were gone and you never spoke to me, I missed you! I missed you all the time and onii-chan never said anything to me! How could you be so cruel!?”

“I love you. I love you, Alluka. You and Nanika mean everything in the world to me, I’m sorry I was an idiot and I left you! I don’t-I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I won’t go unless you ask..”

“No! Onii-chan, don’t.. Please don’t go. I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I’m-I’m sorry!”

“No, it’s okay. I deserved it. You were right, onii-chan was being a baka.” He laughed into her hair trying to lighten the mood and held her tighter against him. “I can’t promise I won’t be one, again. I’m sure I’ll do a lot of stupid things in the future..”

Alluka laughed this time when her brother did.

“But I’ll never lie to you, again. I promise, I swear. I’ll never ignore you, again.” And if he ever did then he surely didn’t deserve to call himself a good onii-chan.

“I love you, onii-chan.” Alluka spoke softly, closing her eyes against her brother’s chest.

Killua laid a gentle kiss on his little sister’s forehead. “I love you, Alluka.”

They sat there for a long while, afterward. Not saying a word and not needing to.

_I’ll work to be forgiven, to be worthy._

_I promise you, Alluka._

“Nee, onii-chan. Nanika wants to see you, too.” Alluka’s voice was slightly hoarse, from crying and screaming so much in one day.

“She’s not as angry as you are, is she?” Killua tried to joke, eyebrow quirking and his little sister smiled. _This is what I live for._

Alluka laughed, sniffling before wiping her nose. “She just missed you, onii-chan.”

“Tell her to come out so I can tell her how much I missed her, too.”

Alluka breathed deeply, body sagging as she exhaled and her head lolled forward. Nanika’s aura was shrouded around her and the girl looked up with deep black eyes.

“Nanika!” Killua smiled and she smiled in return, blinking her eyes rapidly as she registered the fact that her favorite person was finally with her after being gone for so long.

“Onii-chan! Onii-chan!” She called and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck. “I missed you, onii-chan.”

“I missed you, too.” And he did, he missed this, he missed seeing Nanika and Alluka, missed holding both of his sister’s. He missed the sound of their voices, he missed how dramatic they were, missed the pretty dresses they wore and being back around them felt so overwhelming, so joyful he couldn’t help but be thankful in a way.

“But onii-chan’s back? Onii-chan will stay now?” Nanika prodded, deep eyes hopeful.

“If Nanika wants me to..”

“I do! I want onii-chan to stay!” She declared, voice hopeful and happy. It had been hard without Killua around for her, Nanika felt he was the only one who understood her. Being without him put her in a place of darkness and she never truly wanted to come out, Gon-kun would have to coax and beg and even then she wouldn’t stay out long. It left her feeling lonely, even with Alluka.

“Then I’ll stay. If you forgive me then do you think Alluka will?”

“Alluka has already forgiven onii-chan. Nanika has too!” She pulled her head back and kissed her brother on the cheek, Killua smiled, feeling truly at peace for the first time in months. Killua noticed Nanika’s aura fade and suddenly deep blue eyes were staring back at him, though they were drooping.

“Onii-chan..” She whispered and Killua cradled his sister close to him, taking her legs into his arms and picking her up to set her in her bed. Over the years, Nanika had gotten better at not tiring Alluka out but when something strained her before Nanika could come out, the toll was higher. “You won’t go, will you, onii-chan?” She gripped his shirt in her hands as he began to set her down.

“No.” He shook his head immediately. “No I’ll be right here until you fall asleep.” He laid her down, sitting right beside her head and she scooted up closer and set her head in his lap. Killua felt warmth in his heart, not realizing how much he missed just looking at his little sister until she was right in front of him. He began to pet her head, running his fingers over her scalp and through the ends of her now incredibly short hair. It wasn’t the biggest deal in the world that feet had essentially been cut off but he did hope Alluka would tell him why she did it. The young girl hummed in content and Killua smiled, softly, happy to be exactly where he was. He sat back against her wall, closing his eyes for a few moments rest and continuing his lulling ministrations against his sister’s head.

He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until a knock resounded through the quiet room, he blinked and took a deep breath, noticing the light outside that had once been bright and yellow was now orange and blue.

“Shit!” He muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. He was careful to make sure he hadn’t woken his sister, glad when her eyes were still shut, breathing slow and deep.

“Killua?”

“Hold on.” He tried not to speak too loudly and gently slid out from underneath his little sister’s head. “Hey.” He greeted Kurapika on the other side of Alluka’s bedroom door.

“Is Alluka okay?” Kurapika asked, forehead creased with lines of worry.

“Uh, y-yeah..” Killua replied, still confused as to why the two had taken such a liking to each other so quickly.

“Don’t worry, I remind her of you.” Kurapika understood the look Killua was giving him and did his best to quell any suspicion.

“What?”

“She told me a little after I came here that I reminded her of you. I believe that’s why she’s so partial.” Kurapika smiled to himself because if he was being honest, he was also incredibly fond of the young girl himself. She was truly something special, smart and funny, he thought Killua should be proud of the little sister he brought up and took care of.

“Huh.” Killua replied, scratching the back of his head and stretching his back and arms before he asked Kurapika a question that had been bothering him since seeing him arrive on Zoldyck property. “Kurapika, w-why are you here? The last time we saw each other, I--” Killua paused, not wanting to go any further, not wanting to say _I knocked you unconscious and then murdered the person you worked for._

“I don’t know what you went through, I don’t know what it’s like to be an assassin. But I do know what it’s like to fight for the people you cherish, for the people who mean something to you.” Kurapika had a distant look in his eyes and it didn’t take long for Killua to understand what his blonde haired friend was talking about. “I saw your eyes, Killua. And it was like staring into a mirror. The pain, the resignation, the sadness.. I decided I had to help you after that, so I contacted Gon and he told me what had happened. I came to Whale Island and we made a plan to confront you though I’m sure you know how well that played out.”

Killua pursed his lips and nodded.

“I know it’s been years but you and Gon helped me, I won’t forget that.” He nodded to Killua, crossing his hands behind his back and giving him a small smile.

“Now that I'm here, what will you do?”

If everyone’s objective was to save him then him arriving on his own essentially threw a wrench in their plans. He had brought all of his friends together only to break them apart, again.

“Hmm..” Kurapika sighed, lifting his head to the ceiling and flexing his chained hand, the clinking ringing out through the hallway. “I suppose that is a difficult question to answer. I have no job to speak of to get back to, no home I belong in..” He trailed off and faced Killua, again. “I found them, by the way.”

“Wh-what?”

“The eyes of my clan.” Kurapika smiled wistfully. “I found every single pair.”

“Kurapika! Th-that’s…” Killua wanted to congratulate his friend but realized that congratulating someone on collecting the eyes of their dead clansmen was perhaps inappropriate. “Where are they?” If he had no home, no place to truly go..

Kurapika’s smile was incredibly small this time, his shoulders sagging. “I destroyed them.”

Killua blinked, balked, dropped his jaw to the floor because _Kurapika did what?!_

“My clan suffered enough. Even though I spent years collecting every single pair, when I had them all in front of me the only thing I could feel was rage. And behind that rage was nothing, behind that rage was emptiness. I have every intention of still finding the Phantom Troupe and hurting them the way my brethren hurt, but holding onto their eyes in glass jars felt… Like desecration, like the darkest and deepest level of depravity. So I laid them to rest, I sent them back to my clansmen in the hopes that they can see now.” And Kurapika could see it, his mother and father, his friends and neighbors and fellow villagers rejoicing with eyes now wide open. There was a certain kind of peace in that.

“Kurapika...” Killua wanted to say something but he didn’t know exactly what, didn’t know what he wanted to convey because he didn’t understand it himself. What _could_ he say?

“In any case, helping out a friend in the meanwhile doesn’t seem a complete waste of my time.” He laughed.

_Ah, there he is._

Killua snorted, rolling his eyes and Kurapika tilted his head towards the staircase.

“Come. Leorio and Gon want to speak more with you about what happened on Kukuroo Mountain.”

Killua swallowed hard, nodding and feeling his stomach turn in knots. He knew then that they wanted the full story, unedited. Could Killua tell them? Would he be able to handle the way they looked at him, afterward? Would they be disgusted? Angered? Find him no longer worth their time?

When they made it down the banister and passed the entryway Killua saw that Gon and Leorio were patiently waiting in the living room for Killua’s arrival. Gon jumped up as soon he caught sight of the boy and though Killua wished his heart would warm, it felt cold and clammy. Would Gon still smile at him after?

Killua pointedly sat away from Gon, not wanting to be distracted or hurt when Gon would inevitably pull away.

Gon frowned as he watched Killua, wanting to be near and comfort the boy after so long but knew to leave him be. Leorio and Kurapika waited for Killua to continue his story from earlier.

Where had he stopped at? Ah, Hisoka..

“As I said earlier, Hisoka had followed us and wanted to fight Gon. I didn’t want that to happen so I-I told Hisoka I would fight him but first I had to make arrangements, I told him to give me time and he agreed, said it would make it better for himself in the long run, anyway. So I went home and played the dutiful, prodigal son. I killed whoever my father asked me to kill, whenever he asked me to kill them. I began training with Illumi to further my Nen--” He heard several mutters and a sharp intake of breath at this but kept going. “--I convinced my father that Nanika was no longer a threat, I told him I’d be heir if he left Alluka and Nanika alone. He accepted on the condition I told him where they were and since I wasn’t really in a position to decline, I told him the truth. That Gon was protecting my sister’s on the island--”

“And he accepted that!?” Leorio interrupted, still not entirely convinced Killua was telling them the full story, either that or Silva Zoldyck put a lot of weight into his son’s words.

“Well, I threatened to erase them from the face of the earth if he went near them...”

“You can do that!?”

“W-uh-I mean--”

“Y-You’re an even bigger baka than I thought you were! What if he called your bluff?!” Leorio yelled, what kind of stupid move was that!?

“I was very serious in my delivery, I’m a wonderful actor! He bought it, anyway! You know, why don’t you shut up so I can finish the damn story!?”

“You little--”

“Leorio. Killua’s right, we should hold off on our comments until after he’s done. Please, continue.” Kurapika, always the voice of reason encouraged in a soothing voice.

Killua sighed, nodding. “My father decided to trust me and after I had jumped through enough hoops for him, he declared me as heir and I inherited everything dealing with the Zoldyck name. I wanted—I needed to make sure that everyone was safe, that if Hisoka came and I—if I didn’t- then at least I would know that my sister’s and Gon were safe.” Killua spared a glance at Gon though his lover was not looking back, instead his gaze was focused intently on the small living room table in front of him with furrowed brows. Killua could at least be thankful he wasn’t glaring or hitting him again. _Small victories?_ “In the end, everything I did was for naught, anyway. Hisoka came unexpectedly a few weeks early, Zebro was killed, Mike was killed--”

“The giant dog?!” Leorio cut in again. Not willing to believe that anyone could harm a dog, no matter how scary or big it was.

Killua nodded.

“Hisoka’s a sick fu--”

“Leorio!” Kurapika called, willing him to simply stay quiet.

Leorio stewed, clamping his mouth shut and turning away.

“It’s my fault, really. All of it. I never got to fight Hisoka. Shortly after it started, aniki—Ill-ni came to defend me. I was knocked unconscious and after I woke up, they were both dead.” He remembered then, the heat from outside on that day and the stench of death in the air, the blood soaking Illumi’s chest and the puddle underneath his body. The needles and Hisoka’s smile.

“That wasn’t Killua’s fault.” It was the first time Gon spoke up throughout the entire conversation. “None of that was Killua’s fault.” He was adamant about this.

“We’ve all been pushed to do things for the people we love, not because we want to but because we have to. Any of us would have done the same as you, we would have given ourselves up to save everyone involved. You did the best you could by yourself.” Kurapika agreed with Gon, not necessarily trying to comfort Killua but more trying to let him know that what happened wasn’t entirely wrong or all of his fault.

“I—I killed people. I _murdered_ them!”

“So have we all.” Kurapika replied.

_They can’t possibly think that what they’ve done and what I’ve done is even remotely the same?!_

“That’s not--”

“It is the same thing, Killua.” Gon knew what he was going to say before he finished, “People are dead because of me, too. And if not dead then.. _Different_. Killua’s not a monster.” Gon shook his head, eyes an incredible deep caramel that Killua wanted to melt in.

“Even after hearing all of this, I don’t regret coming here. And you’re still my friend that I’d dump my career for!” Leorio quickly amended his statement, “You’re my _dumb_ friend that I’d dump my career for.”

“For once, I agree with Leorio. Even if we’d had this knowledge before, I would still storm the testing gates with Gon for you.”

Killua tried to tell himself to breathe, tried to tell himself to stay calm but he felt incredibly overwhelmed because _what were they saying!?_

 _They had thought he was worth saving, abandoning their own objectives to help their friend, to help_ him _._

_They were willing to go up against the most notorious assassins in the world just to make sure he was okay._

_And they didn’t think he was a monster, they didn’t think he was beyond redemption, they had already forgiven his mistakes_

And for the first time in their entire friendship with Killua Zoldyck, they watched the boy bury his face into his hands _and cry._

Killua sobbed, loudly. His heart overflowing.

_Oh god. Oh god!_

“K-Killua!” Gon cried, slightly shaken as this was the first time he’d ever witnessed Killua truly crying before. Sure, there was the time when Killua first came but it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t _this_. He rushed to his side, wrapping his arms around Killua’s shaking form and listening to the heart wrenching wails of the boy he loved. Gon didn’t know exactly what to do, looking to Kurapika and Leorio who were equally troubled over the assassin’s state.

Killua let everything go in that moment, all of the pain he felt while on Kukuroo Mountain, the regret over the ‘what if’s’, the guilt of taking lives he never wanted to take, the innocence lost and the ever present knowledge that even after all of this, even after everything he had done and gone through…

He. Was. Forgiven.

He was still loved. By many.

He was given permission to let go of his self hate, validation that good still resided in his heart and soul, that he wasn’t cursed, that he wasn’t a black hole, that he still deserved good things in the end.

The group of men and teenager could only watch Killua cry and the silver haired boy couldn’t even bring himself to feel shame or embarrassment in that moment. He was focusing too hard on the pain he went through, on the goodness he was now allowed to have. If he was allowed all of this, was he truly vile? Did bad people get to have incredible things like this?

Was he bad, at all? Or had he just told himself that because it was easier? Easier to admit that he was bad so he did bad things, but was life ever so simple?

Weren’t things more complicated than that? Like Kurapika, a good man on every level to Killua yet he had murdered another human being, his entire power based on killing the Troupe and the Troupe, only. _Was he bad, then? No_. But he murdered people and intended to murder, again. But the troupe was _Bad_.

Yet, Killua couldn’t help but think about how outraged Nobunaga had been over the death of his friend, Uvogin. They were both terrible people who killed for the thrill and yet they had the capacity for compassion, the heart to take revenge. When the woman, Pakunoda was faced with the option of saving herself and the Troupe or saving Chrollo, it didn’t take her long to hand herself over to Kurapika’s demand and help Gon and Killua. But Paku was _bad_ too, wasn’t she?

 _No_ , Killua realized. _No, life could never ever be so simple._

The Troupe were the flip side of a coin for the group of boys currently together. The only difference being the room of men would never kill unless they had genuine reason, unless there was no other option because they understood that death was wrong. They held the conviction that people could be saved, could be redeemed. The Phantom Troupe did not hold this capacity for anyone but themselves.

People weren’t all bad, but sometimes they weren’t all good, either.

Where did Killua fit into this? He desperately wanted to know, his soul craved this answer the way a flower craved sunlight to thrive.

_I want to do good, he thought. I want everyone to be safe, I want to protect the ones I love.._

Killua felt Gon stroke the back of his head, gently the way the boy did with his own sister. Gon let his hand slip lower and scratch at Killua’s back the way he knew the teenager liked and Killua responded by shivering in pleasure and letting out a deep breath. His nose was stuffed, head began to ache and eyes sore but he was done. Done crying. Done feeling. He was numb.

A handful of tissue was suddenly in his line of sight and he raised his head to see a soft smiling Leorio offering up the relief. Killua took it readily, blowing his nose rather loudly and being slightly grossed out when he felt how gooey the contents were. He wiped at his nose with it and held it in his palm for a moment without a place to throw it before Gon swiped it from his hand and got up to throw it for him.

Killua felt the move was incredibly sweet.

“Are you--” Leorio was interrupted.

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay. I think I just need--” Killua sighed, feeling suddenly exhausted. “I need a shower.”

Both Leorio and Kurapika nodded, relieved that their friend appeared to look at least a little lighter than he was before. Gon reached a hand out and Killua intertwined their fingers, feeling comfort in the never changing warm temperature of Gon’s skin.

“Nee, Killua.” Leorio called after the couple, “We’re your friends so next time you try something stupid, consult us first. So we can do the stupid thing with you.”

Kurapika looked wide eyed at Leorio while Gon and Killua laughed, Killua outstretched his hand and gave Leorio a thumbs up, the doctor smirked in response.

As Killua and Gon rounded the entry way out of the living room, they heard a whine and an “Owww, Kurapika!” followed by a

“Do you think before you speak or is idiocy something that comes naturally to you?!”

The boys snorted quietly, making their way up the stairs and parting at the last step, Killua going to the shower and Gon to their shared room.

After allowing the hot water and steam to clear Killua’s mind and sinuses some, he wiped his towel over his fluffy hair, noticing how his muscles were more relaxed, he was ready for a damn nap, travel and the day’s events creeping over him. It was hard for him to believe night had still yet to fall when he opened the door to his room and found the window still streaming in orange light.

Gon had been lying in their bed, playing a video game on his phone with a look intense concentration on his face, tip of his tongue sticking out until he caught sight of Killua in the corner of his eye. He smiled, throwing his phone to the side and scooting over on their bed, making room for Killua and silently asking him to come in. Killua couldn’t help but do as Gon asked. Killua crawled over their bed, falling into Gon’s open arms, the dark skinned boy hugged him close, inhaling his fresh scent and humming in content. Killua slipped a hand beneath Gon’s shirt, feeling the smooth skin and muscle of his back and sighing in pleasure. He missed this. He missed it so so goddamn much. He was lulled so that he was closing his eyes and falling asleep before he even knew it.

He had slept through dinner, Killua slept so long that when he opened his eyes next moonlight was filtering in through the open window and the dark night sky brought along its symphony of crickets and rolling waves.

 _What time is it?_ He briefly thought, listening to a soft snoring Gon beside him. Killua had moved slightly, removing his hand from underneath Gon’s shirt and raising himself to look for his phone and find a clock when Gon called out his name in panic.

“Killua!”

“What? What’s wrong?” The hair on Killua’s arm raised at the tone of Gon’s voice, he turned swiftly to Gon beside him and looked over him in the darkness. Worried that perhaps he was somehow injured or something else terrible happened.

“Where’s Killua going?” Gon asked, his hand trailing the open bed between them and coasting up Killua’s wrist before settling with a loose hold.

“N-nowhere, I just wanted to check the time.”

“Oh...”

Killua decided it didn’t matter what time it was anyway when he heard the worry and sadness in Gon’s voice. He lowered himself back down, pulling Gon to him with both arms, one wrapped around his neck and the other under his shirt and around his waist. He began to rub shapes into Gon’s skin in a circuit, leading from his back to his sides and then around again.

“Killua..” Gon nuzzled his nose against the others.

“I’m here.”

“I know. And I’m angry with Killua but I’m so so so happy you’re here!”

“Don’t be angry with me.” Killua kissed a trail from Gon’s cheek to the corner of his mouth and down his jaw leading to his neck. “I know I deserve it but the last thing I want is for you to be upset.”

“Killua should have told me.”

Killua sighed, “I know.”

“Killua should have called me and Alluka-chan back.”

“I know that, too.”

“Then why didn’t Killua do it?”

Killua breathed out through his nose, laying several small closed lipped kisses on Gon’s mouth before replying.

“Because I didn’t think I was worthy, I still don’t, not completely, anyway. I-I did terrible things, I don’t know how you can forgive me for them.” He was saying it with a less serious tone than he felt but he was in mood to cry, again. It was also late and everyone was likely asleep.

“Killua’s not bad. And you wouldn’t kill other people if you had another choice.” Gon insisted, always having his own sense of right and wrong even years later.

“How can you be okay with that? Knowing the guy you’re sleeping next to has killed hundreds of people.” Killua challenged.

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“W-what?”

“Killua killed those people because he didn’t have another choice, it was us or them. In a way, me and Alluka-chan have their blood on our hands, too.”

Killua blinked, absolutely goddamn appalled.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Gon!?” He worked to keep his voice at an appropriate level.

“I said--”

“I know what you said I just don’t know _what_ you said!”

“Killua, that’s the same thing!” Gon’s brows furrowed and frustration found its way into his voice.

“How can you think, for a second, that any of their deaths are on your hands?!”

Was Gon fucking with him or was he being serious? Killua didn’t find it funny, at all!

“I had a chance to stop Killua. When me and Kurapika showed up at Kukuroo Mountain, I could have gone in there and taken Killua by force. I would have. I would have gone up against Illumi to save Killua, I’d done it before and I’d do it, again. But then.. Then Kurapika reminded me of Alluka and Nanika. If I made a move against the agreement Killua already made then I’d be putting our sister’s in danger. So I either leave Killua there or I save Alluka and Nanika. I knew that if I chose the first, you would have been very angry and it would open our sister’s to harm, I had to make a choice.” Gon sighed. “I’m sorry I left Killua there and you had to kill all those people, it’s as much my fault as yours.”

_It’s not your job to save me.._

“D-don’t say that. You don’t know all of what I’ve done.” And Killua was glad it was dark, he didn’t have to shield his face in shame.

“Tell me then, Killua.” Gon prompted, not cruelly but with patience and love care.

It killed Killua inside.

“I-I can’t tell you, if I tell you then I--” Gon grit his teeth, the story of the young girl he abducted on the tip of his tongue.

“Killua.” Gon rubbed his forehead against Killua’s bangs, wanting to know, wanting Killua to tell him because he couldn’t keep carrying the weight of the world on his shoulder’s.

“Th-there was a girl. Couldn’t have been much older than Alluka when I freed her from my family. She-she did nothing wrong, she was probably a perfect child who ate all of her vegetables and had high marks in school but was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe born into the wrong family, had the wrong father because he was a shitty guy involved with even shittier politics.” Killua shook his head, “It was the first task my father gave me because he wanted to see if I’d perform well enough, wanted to see that I was still a Zoldyck assassin—his son. I-I killed the girl’s m-mother and then abducted the girl herself, handing her off to whoever the hell paid me. Can you believe that!? I traded a human being for money! How fucking disgusting am I!?” Killua spat, feeling his revulsion with himself.

_I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy!_

“Why does Killua always think he has to take things on alone?” Gon’s voice raising to an indecent level at the end of his question. He felt so frustrated, he counted on Killua for so much, now, would consider him in any situation and turn to him if something were too difficult, why didn’t Killua feel the same!? Why did he think he had to take all of it on by himself!?

“Gon..?”

“Why didn’t Killua tell me about Hisoka? Why didn’t Killua call me back? Why didn’t Killua tell me at all about what was going on!? Why does Killua always think he has to do all of it on his own!?! Did the months we spent together before that mean nothing to you!?” He wanted to push the silver haired boy away yet keep him closer.

Why did Gon always go for the low blow?! “Stop saying that to me, this means everything and you know that! Besides I _have_ to do it all on my own!” Killua argued, no longer seeing a way around it and letting his anger speak for him.

“Why!?”

“Because I never want to carry your dead body again!” He yelled in Gon’s face and the brown eyed boy froze. “I was so afraid when Hisoka showed up that he would seek you out and it drove me nuts! I’m so afraid to lose you again, Gon. I’m so goddamn afraid that you’ll lose it again and try to kill yourself and I can’t watch it happen! I-I have to keep you safe, I have keep Alluka safe, I have to keep Nanika safe, I can’t fail! I can’t fail you like I did before, Gon! I have to save you because if I don’t then it means I lose you and I can’t-I can’t do that, I won’t! I couldn’t save you before but this time.. This time I had a chance and I took it. I saved you. I got to keep you alive, this time. Even if it meant crawling into the deepest and darkest depths, I’d do it again!” And he would, without question, he’d give up his soul for Gon and his sister’s.

“Killua...” Gon shook his head fiercely in denial. “Baka! You never have to do anything alone. You didn’t fail me before, you didn’t lose me, Killua has it all wrong! Killua saved me time and time again. If Killua hadn’t found me after I killed Pitou, who would have dragged me to safety? If Killua hadn’t rescued Alluka and Nanika, asking Nanika to revive me, how would I have survived? You were there the whole time. Killua never failed me, it was _me_ who failed _you.”_ Brown bore into blue and they found home. “I know Killua’s afraid but that’s what happens when you care for people. It doesn’t mean you have to put the world on your shoulder’s, that’s what friends are for. That’s what I’m for! To share the load and carry it together. Killua’s never alone!”

_Not alone?_

_I’m not.._

_Alone?_

_How can he still say that to me after what I’ve told him?_

_Gon.._

“I-I want to save her, too.” Killua stuttered, his heart overflowing with Gon’s words.

_I don’t want to be alone._

“Who?” Gon asked, a gentler voice than he had before.

“Before I left, one of the last things I asked one of our butlers to do was find the girl, the one I had abducted. I needed to know if she was safe or even alive, at that point.” It had been months, to assume she was safe at home was hopeful but improbable and the likelihood she was hurt or worse… Dead, could have been more likely.

“And? Killua found her?” Gon asked with genuine interest, nudging him with his nose.

“Yes. But, she’s not home, she’s not safe.” Killua shook his head in frustration, recalling the message Tsubone had sent him earlier. “She’s still being held by terrible people and I want to save her. Even if she hates me, I want to-even if she never forgives me, I--”

“I’ll help Killua.” Gon interrupted, not wanting for a second for Killua to think that he had to do anything on his own from that point forward.

“Gon..”

“I’ll help you and so will Leorio and Kurapika. We can all do it, together! Like before.” The dark haired boy was sure their friends would help without needing to be asked twice. They were here because of Killua and they wouldn’t turn their back on him.

“H-how do you know that they’ll--”

_How can Gon be so sure? What if--_

“They’re our friends and friends will never let you do things alone if they can help.” And Gon was smiling, reassuring and confident. It made Killua uneasy, _how can he be so confident!? How can he still look at me like that after what I’ve told him!?_

“Y-you’re angry with me, stop being so kind! H-hit me again!” It would be easier to deal with than _this,_ something he’d be able to understand.

“Unh!” Gon shook his head, a small smile playing on his face. “I’d rather kiss Killua instead, can I do that?”

Killua made a sound in his throat, blushing and wondering how the hell Gon could jump from such a serious conversation to _that!_

“Wh-what--”

Gon didn’t care much for the rest of Killua’s reply, instead choosing to take lips with his own. He wanted Killua to know that everything would be okay, that they would work together no matter what, that he didn’t have to work to be worthy of love.

Killua already was loved.

**X-X-X**

**A week and a half later.**

“G-Gon! S-s-s-tooop!” Killua half growled, half laughed.

The boys were spending a lazy day in bed together, even with the scent of food drifting into their bedroom from downstairs, they were too enraptured with each other to move. Currently, Gon was kissing Killua in sensitive spots, making him squirm as if he were being tickled. His skin puckered into goosbumps when Gon began to suckle at the skin of his neck, Killua tensed.

  
“Wh-what are you doing!? D-don’t do that!” Killua yelled though he couldn’t deny how wonderful it felt.

Gon laughed, releasing the skin and noticing how red it already looked, unnatural against Killua’s usual pallor.

“If I get a hickey there and Mito-san see’s, I swear god I’m going to--”

A shrill ring interrupted the boys—well not the both of them, just Killua, Gon was still running his hands up and down Killua’s sides. He reached for Gon’s phone since he was clearly too preoccupied to care and the noise was driving Killua up the wall. Upon him answering it Gon worsened his ministrations, beginning to tickle him.

“AH! S-stop! G-Gooon!” Killua laughed loudly, trying to twist his body away from Gon’s greedy fingers. “I-I’m tr-trying to--” He burst into a fit of giggles, “Stop!”

“Eh? But I like the sounds Killua makes!” Gon replied, a sweet and innocent look on his face. He knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

“Can I speak to my son!?” A loud and deep voice boomed from the receiver end of the phone and Killua froze with the phone to his ear.

_Oh shit._

_No way! No way, no way, no way!_

_Damnit!_

Gon immediately took note of the change in his boyfriend, eyebrows knitting together at Killua’s wide eyes and even paler than usual skin.

“K-Killua?”

“Uh.. Y-your… Dad.” Killua handed the phone to him with a shaky hand.

“Ging!?” Gon smiled, taking the phone from Killua and chirping an excited hello into the phone. “Sorry, that was just Killua!” He beamed, lying his hand on Killua’s thigh out of sheer reflex. “Eh!?” Gon said after a moment, expression changing to surprise. “Now!? Okay!”

Killua had recovered himself enough to ask Gon what was going on after he ended the phone call with a smile that seemed to have doubled in size.

“Ging’s here! Come on, come on! He doesn’t want Mito-san to know, he said he’s afraid she’ll punch him. Which I’m sure she would but we’re going to meet him at the Port in secret anyway!” Gon laughed.

At first Killua was excited to go anywhere and do anything with Gon but realization set in after throwing on jeans and a shirt that.. He was going to meet Ging Freecss.

He was finally, after all these years, going to meet the father of the teenage boy he was in love with.

_Oh._

_Fffuuuuuuck!_

“G-Gon!” Killua yelled as Gon half dragged him down the stairs, his nerves making him feel incredibly queasy.

“Good morning Mito-san and Kurapika and Leorio and Alluka-chaaaaan!” Gon yelled quickly to the people sitting at the kitchen table who stared after the two teenage boys with amusement. Gon raced out the door with Killua in tow and turned to find he wasn’t as excited as the boy himself. “Nee, Killua, it’s okay! Ging’s gonna like you!”

“Th-that’s not what I’m--” He tried to lie.

“I haven’t seen him in months either! We’ll be meeting him together!” Gon shifted their hands that were palm to palm, intertwining their fingers and holding on tight. Killua smiled, then. A genuine smile.

_No, I’m not alone._

Killua reluctantly pulled away from Gon as they dashed off their front porch steps together.

“I’ll race you there! The first one to make it to the outer port has to buy the other dinner!” Killua offered a game, something that would quell his fear and anxiety while still keeping the light energy the two had together.

“I’d buy Killua dinner, anyway!” Gon laughed.

The silver haired boy sputtered, “Sh-shut up!”

The boys laughed but raced on together, Gon going high by way of trees and Killua using just a _little_ of his Godspeed. He at one point took to the trees himself to pull Gon’s foot and make him trip.

“Ah! Killua, that’s cheating!”

“Is not!” He returned to the ground, a moment later feeling weight atop his head as Gon leap frogged over him, Gon turned and smirked.

It went on this way until they made it to the port, the boys trying to trip and push each other, jumping this way and that for an upper hand. It was the freest and calmest that Killua had felt in a long time, he hadn’t worried for a single moment about Kukuroo Mountain.

In the end when they’d rushed to the port, Killua declared himself the winner while Gon called a tie. The boys argued back and forth before calling in onlookers that were passing by to decide the fate of the race for them, several agreed it was Killua who made it first.

He smiled, cheekily with hands on his hips. “I guess that means you owe me dinner!” He stuck his tongue out in mock.

“Whatever you say, Killua.” Gon laughed, shaking his head and reaching his hand out for Killua who readily obliged. “Now, where’s Ging..” He spoke this more to himself than the boy standing next to him.

Killua couldn’t help but think about the game _Where’s Waldo_ for a moment before shaking his head to dismiss the thought. His mind was trying to distract from thinking about how nervous he truly was about meeting _**The**_ _Ging Freecss._

 _Will he like me? Does that even matter? Do_ I _even like_ him? _He abandoned Gon for fucksake!_

_But then he did help him regain his Nen.._

_I wonder what he looks like._

Killua chanced a glance to his left, studying Gon who was thankfully too engrossed in searching for Ging to be aware of the eyes watching him.

Killua figured Ging had to have Gon’s dark skin, _maybe his hair style too?_ Killua wondered about his build, while Gon wasn’t incredibly large he certainly appeared to have more muscle mass than Killua, wide set shoulders, _a wonderful toned body… Incredible physique…_

_Fuck!_

The silver haired teenage boy smacked himself in the face. Of all the times to let his hormones come into play, this was _definitely not_ one of them!

“Killua! There!” Gon yelled with a smile in his voice and Killua peeked between his fingers, following Gon’s raised and pointed hand to a crowd a yard or so away from them.

_How am I supposed to know--_

“Come on!” And Gon was tugging Killua along, again through the hustle and bustle of port life. He felt his nerves return, licking dry lips, he readied himself to meet the man he spent years with Gon trying to find.

He idly wondered if the man would prove to be worth it.

_No, of course he was. Even if he isn’t great, he’s the reason I met Gon. He’s the reason I’m here today._

Killua took notice of a single man, shorter than Gon, he knew before they were close enough to notice, he couldn’t see his hairstyle but the hairs sticking out of the rag wrapped around his head was certainly Gon’s color. The man was lean but well muscled and had a layer of scruff for a beard. His clothes were dirty and seemed to have been haphazardly thrown on but there was something about his aura, something in the eyes that resembled Gon’s so much that made him look as if he were up to no good, and you wanted to be apart of that no good with him.

 _Ging looks like a fucking charismatic hobo_ , Killua decided.

“Ging!” Gon called, waving his free hand and laughing. Ging smiled nervously in return, allowing his own small wave. As they came closer, Killua noticed Ging’s eyes trail down to the boys’ interlocked hands and follow Killua’s hand to his face. He almost had the urge to rip his hand out from Gon’s and hide away when Ging’s eyebrow quirked. But he knew that would only serve to upset Gon and he certainly didn’t want to do that.

“Yo.” He greeted them both with a cool smile.

_Yo? Fucking “yo”?_

Killua had to bite down on his lip to stop himself from laughing.

“What are you doing here, Ging?” Gon was all smiles, surprised but pleased his father showed up on Whale Island to see him.

“Kite called me, said you were going to do something reckless and I should either hit you over the head or help you.” Ging shrugged, and both teenager’s blinked at him.

“EH?!”

_What’s Kite got to do with this..?_

“You were trying to go against the Zoldyck’s?” Ging questioned his young son with slight amusement.

“Mm! For Killua!” Gon turned to the boy with a big smile, “Nee, Killua! This is Ging! Ging, this is Killua, the one I told you so much about! He’s my best friend and my boyfriend!”

“Ah, shit!” Ging muttered. “I knew it!” He sighed.

“Wh-what?” Gon asked, taking even the stutter from Killua’s mouth.

_If Ging says even one word about--_

“Tch! Now I owe Kite money! He’s going to laugh when he hears about this, the smug bastard.” Ging shook his head and sighed, Killua noticed he wasn’t perturbed that his son just introduced him to his _boyfriend._ Ging straightened himself, then, focusing on the silver haired boy in front of him and smiled. _Not the way Gon smiles,_ he noted, _must be from his mom’s side then._ “It’s nice to finally put a face to a name, I heard you traveled the world over with Gon to find me.” He reached his hand out to shake Killua’s.

The teenage boy slightly blushed, shrugging his shoulders. "Was no big deal." He downplayed.

_It wasn’t really just to find you.. I had my own motives._

Killua met his pale with Ging’s dark, noticing first the callousness of his palm and then the strength he was putting behind the handshake. Killua met him head on.

Why was he nervous to meet this guy, again?

The two men separated their connection. “Well, seems I was late in any case. I was excavating a long lost tomb, one of the more interesting finds in some time.” Ging’s eyes glazed over for a moment, thinking about the last wondrous item he had found.

And Killua saw it then, the shine in Ging’s eyes was the same as Gon’s.

“Nee, Gon, Killua. Do you want to come with me?” The older man smirked and tilted his head out towards the open ocean.

Killua blinked, never imagining that Ging Freeccs, one of the world’s greatest hunters would ask two teenage kids to go on incredible adventures with him.

He was also saddened to realize he couldn’t go, there was something else more important than adventure in front of him.

But he wondered if Gon would accept, this being the second time from what he’s heard that Ging’s offered.

“Actually..” Gon’s free hand went to the back of his neck and Killua turned to him swiftly, wondering why the hell Gon was about to turn him down. “Killua and I have something important to do! Really important! But..” Gon paused, his father crossed his arms and Gon dug into his pocket searching for something. “Here!” He handed Ging his hunter license, Ging looked confused for a moment before realization settled on his face and he smiled. “Since we have something important to do together, we can’t go with you, now. But after we’re done, we’ll find you! When we meet again, you can give that back to me.” Gon smirked, the shine he saw in Ging’s eyes now held within Gon’s.

_Gon…_

“Just because you found me once doesn’t mean it’ll be easy this time.” Ging stared at the Hunter License his son acquired just to be able to find him, years ago.

“Mm! I’m counting on it!”

Ging smiled at Gon, staring for a moment before turning away from the two young men and walking away. “Then, I’ll see you!”

“See you!” Gon yelled back, waving his arm back and forth like a madman with a smile on his face. Killua interrupted him.

“Gon, what are you doing!? You can go with him!” He insisted, all that time spent looking for Ging and he was going to let him walk away again!?

“Unh! I belong here, with Killua. Besides, there’s a girl who needs our help, I’m not letting her down.”

_You’re incredible._

“Ging will always be around. We’re hunters, Killua. We’ll find him, again.” Gon reassured him, determination shining through once again and Killua stared at him for a few moments, always shocked, always in awe.

 _I’m not alone because_ _I have Gon with me._

_And together, we can do anything._

The boys didn’t stay at the port long, choosing instead to make their way back home and hatch a plan to save the girl as soon as possible.

"Nee, Gon! What was Ging talking about, involving Kite earlier?" Killua prompted, still wondering what Ging or Kite had to do with any of this.

"Hmm? Oh uhh." Gon laughed, hand going to the back of his neck. "Kurapika and I may have called Kite after Kukuroo Mountain proved to be a bust."

"Y-you did what?!" He called Kite to help save Killua!?

"Mm! But Kite was busy, he said sorry and that he would come as soon as he could, I didn't think he'd send Ging in his place!" Gon insisted, shaking his head as if that simple explanation could excuse him.

"Y-you're nuts.." Killua laughed, shaking his head at the audacity of the boy beside him. And Gon closed his eyes, sticking out his tongue to mock Killua.

_Gon was willing to call in a Chimera Ant to go up against the Zoldyck family._

Killua loved this boy. He was in high but utterly disbelieving spirits the entire walk back home.

“We need your help.” Gon said when they walked inside to find Kurapika and Leorio doing dishes in the kitchen. The two blinked, washing and drying in tandem before sitting at the kitchen table, listening to Killua regale them with the dirty details of the story he had not told.

“It seems your father used your weaknesses against you in an effort to see where your loyalty would lie.” Kurapika had mused, hand rubbing back and forth across his cheek.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that and we didn’t know, Killua..” Leorio said, a frown on his face and Killua knew he cared deeply for the missing girl’s wellbeing.

“Are you guys in?” Gon asked, brows pulling together as he examined their two friends, hoping they wouldn’t judge Killua harshly.

They were both quiet for a moment, Leorio sitting with his arms crossed while Kurapika moved, sitting with arms at the table, hands under his chin.

“Of course I’m in, you baka! Didn’t we discuss this earlier before? Besides, I’m a doctor. Someone or everyone may need medical help.” Leorio said with a pointed look to the teenage couple, who seemed to have had a knack for attracting trouble and mayhem.

Killua rolled his eyes.

“I’ll help you. We all deserve a chance to correct our mistakes.” Kurapika nodded, decision made.

The teenage couple nodded and Killua informed them all of the information Tsubone had sent to him including location, number of people and their Nen abilities. The girl was hidden on the lowest floor of a building, from the intel Tsubone gathered, she wasn’t being hurt or abused and the man who was her supposed father had done nothing to help her, this thought infuriated Killua though he also felt it was his fault entirely anyway. But he would save her. Even if the girl hated him for the rest of his life, he would save her and do everything he could to make her life easier, he had enough money for several lifetimes anyway.

Killua also felt incredible relief, his friends hadn’t judged him harshly or said cruel and nasty things to him. They hadn’t thought he was a monster, they thought he was worth redemption and they were willing to risk their lives to help him get it.

He understood then, felt it in his bones. He would never be alone.

“Are you going off to do something stupid, again?” A voice called from behind him, a girl with blue eyes and short brown hair standing at the entryway of the kitchen and staring at the table of men.

Killua smiled at his baby sister, though he felt saddened to leave her so soon, again. “Probably but Gon will be there to stop me.”

Alluka blinked, looking as if the reassurance her brother offered wasn’t reassuring, at all. Fear was written all over her face.

“Don’t worry, I’m going with them, Alluka.” Kurapika amended and Alluka sighed in relief, putting a hand to her heart and nodding in acceptance at that.

“O-Oi! You trust Kurapika over me?!” Appalled, offended, flabbergasted Killua.

His baby sister laughed so hard, she was bent over and clutching her stomach.

“I’ve never been more betrayed..” Killua muttered, looking down at the table in front of him and the men around him laughed. His sister ran up behind him, wrapping arms around his chair and chest, snuggling into his back.

“I wish you wouldn’t go, you just came back. If you disappear on me, again--”

“Don’t worry, Alluka-chan, I won’t let him! Besides, we’ll be back before you know it! This one isn’t dangerous at all, I promise!” Gon swore, hoping to quell her fears. In all reality, it was just as Gon said. The mission wasn’t dangerous but it was important not just to Killua but to everyone at the table with him.

“Then why can’t I go with you?” Alluka asked, slight hope in her eyes that maybe her brother would allow her to go with him.

“Because--”

“Because Retz should be here any day now and she would be very sad to come to Whale Island and not find Alluka-chan!” Gon smiled. Killua kicked him underneath the table, miffed that Gon was too overexcited to let him tell his own sister.

Still, Alluka’s reaction was priceless and incredibly heartwarming to watch.

“Wh-what!?” Her eyes widened, a full toothed smile in place.

Killua and Gon smiled at each other. They both knew Alluka would be very sad and alone with just Mito-san on the island, so Gon made a call, purchased a ticket. The rest was history, as they say.

“Retz is coming!? R-really, onii-chan!” Alluka’s head swinging back and forth between both boys, rapidly. Were they being honest? Did they really do that for her?

“Really.” Her brother nodded, full fledged smile and a blush across his cheeks at watching his sister look so happy. It had been so long since he saw her that way, he wished to take a picture of it and keep it with him forever.

“Oh my god, it’s going to be so much fun! I’m going to show her all around the island--” She gasped turning to leave the kitchen and listing off things with her fingers excitedly, “I need to clean my room! Where else is she going to sleep!? There’s so much I need to do!” The girl laughed to herself, running back to her brother and hugging him, laying a sloppy kiss on his cheek. “I’m going to miss you, onii-chan, but I’m really excited to see Retz!” She let go and gave the same hug and kiss to Gon, “I’m going to miss you too, Gon-kun! You two better call me everyday, if you don’t, I’ll kick both of your butts!”

Kurapika and Leorio laughed at the two boys being chastised but Killua loved every single moment of it.

“Yes, baby sister.”

“Yes, Alluka-chan.

The excited young girl rushed out, thinking of all the fun things she could do with her friend who she had missed dearly since leaving Heaven’s Arena. Alluka was grateful to and for her two favorite people in the world.

“Nee!” Gon nudged Killua with his foot, he set his gaze back to Gon.

“Hmm?”

“Are you ready?”

Killua looked up and around him, catching the determined gaze of everyone around him before settling back on Gon’s warm and shining eyes, knowing not a single person would back out, knowing that everyone was there to back him up, knowing he was never going to be alone again.

 _Was_ he ready?

Killua smiled.

“Yeah.”

* * *

 

**A/N: WOWWWW! This is so crazy, I can't believe it's over! Can you? There's a feeling of relief but also sadness, I didn't realize how much I loved these boys in this story until the very end. I know I'm not really saying goodbye to them but in a way I am? Do you guys feel the same way? ANYWAY! THANK YOU! Thank you so much, every single one of you who read this story, who commented, who sent kudos and bookmarked and subscribed, everyone who supported this story I LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for sticking with me and the boys and Alluka/Nanika. I hope I did this chapter justice for you guys! My next project is actually going to be for the HunterxHunter Big Bang on Tumblr so I'll be working on that until May of this year. For those who don't know what the Big Bang is, essentially its a collaboration between Artists and Authors, Authors will write fics and Aritists will create something of their choice based on that fic. It will all be presented and released together sometime in May and soon after, I'll definitely post it on here! I was thinking of perhaps posting outtakes of this story until then though, little snippets that simply didn't make it in or didn't quite fit BUT the hxh BB is priority for me right now! UGH I'm really sad to end this, I'm going to miss you guys! Thank you. Thank you so much for reading this story, I didn't think it would catch the way that it did, you guys have been incredible. For now.. We have to say goodbye..**

**Are you ready?**


	16. ONE SHOT, FUTURE TAKE

Hey, everyone. THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER, I AM SORRY!

However, I DID write another chapter. Epilogue? Future take?

It's a one shot and has WEDDING FLUFF INVOLVING OUR TWO FAVORITE BOYS!

It's called "Can't Walk Away", posted it this morning. For those who want to see what happens 5 years down the line, you'll have your answers. Check the newest story I posted. Have a great day you guys! <3


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